Hermitcraft Oneshots

Dangerous Road Designs

From the Monty Python's flying circus sketch, "The architects sketch".

Original script is not mine. 

(Inside the town hall. Mayor Scar and Bdubs are sitting at a hastily put together desk while Joe reads off a sheet of paper)

Joe: Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions for the design of this--

Cleo: Joe!

Joe: Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions for the design of this--

Cleo: JOE!

Joe: I'm in a meeting Cleo! Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions--

Cleo: BOOOOORRRINGGGG

Joe: (Ignoring her) Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions for the design of this street and I thought it best that the architects themselves came in to explain the advantages of both designs.

(knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock)

That must be the first architect now. Ah, yes. It's Etho. I don't think he's payed his road pass yet, has he? Not that anyone really has.

Etho: Good morning, gentlemen. Uh, this is a 120-block passage down main street, the edges are made with polished diorite and have drains made out of iron trapdoors and polished andesite stairs. The street itself contains quartz and sea lanterns and I've make the end drop you into a pit of zoglins where we can collect the items off your dead body when they drop into a hopper elevator. The street lamps will be made out of sto-

Scar: Excuse me?

Etho: Yeah?

Scar: Uh, did you say 'zoglins'?

Etho: Uh, those zombie hoglin things. Yes.

Bdubs: Are you, uh, proposing to use the road to kill hermits??

Etho: (Looking at his notes) Does that not fit in with your plans?

Scar: No, it does not. Uh, we wanted a... simple...non-lethal....... street.

Etho: Ahh, I see. I hadn't, uh, correctly divined your attitude...

Bdubs: Uh, huh.

Etho: ...towards other hermits

Bdubs: (trying not to laugh) Uh huh.

Etho: You see, I enjoy building traps.

Scar: Yes. Pity.

Etho: Mind you, this is a real beauty. I mean, there's not much of a mess. All the items will be picked up, no zombies stealing your helmet. You'll be able to get the items back. For a fee. I've been working on this for ages!

Bdubs: Yes, and well done, but we did just want a simple street.

Etho: Well, may I ask you to reconsider? I mean, you wouldn't regret it. Think of the tax revenue!

Scar: It's just that we wanted a well-designed street and not a trapped one.

Etho: Yes, well that's because you're getting used to sitting up on that throne. So high and mighty! I still haven't payed your road pass and I do not intend to! And I know other Hermits share the same sentiment! You don't even have an enforcer yet! So you can go shove it up your-

Bdubs: Well, we're sorry you feel like that, but we did just ask for a street. Nice, though, the trap is. It seems familiar somehow.

Etho: Oh, I got it from you and Grian when you pranked Sca-

Bdubs(hurriedly): Yes, I remember! But I don't think we want to murder hermits.

Scar: Thank you for sharing your idea Etho. And please stop sending me free glass.

Etho: (shrugs) Sorry, It's in the name. Sneaky -E's. Money over morals!

(He leaves)

Joe: I'm sorry about that, gentlemen. The second architect is Grian.

Bdubs and Scar: Oh.

(Grian enters, carrying his model with great care. He places it on the table.)

Grian: Good morning Mr. Mayor. And uh- Bdubs.

Scar and Bdubs: Morning.

Grian: Uhh, this is a scale model of the street. Uh, there are ten gold pressure plates spread out

(The model's soul lantern street lights fall over. Grian quickly sticks them upright again.)

Uhh, the structure is built on a redstone lamp walkway and I worked with Etho to make them play a song that you can chose later on

(The street lights fall over again. Grian tries to make them stand up, but they won't, so he has to hold them upright.)

Dark prismarine stairs are used along the edges and item frames with custom maps make the gutter appear to be real.

(A sinkhole opens up on the model and part of the street collapses)

(Grian winces) Uh, by avoiding wood and timber derivatives and all other inflammables, we have almost totally removed the risk of-

(The model is smoking. Flames can be seen as they begin to consume the entire model and TNT is visibly blinking below the broken street

Quite frankly, I think I added too many TNT minecarts. I'll try to use full blocks instead.

Bdubs: Isn't that going to put the cost up?

Grian: Uh, it might.

Bdubs: Well, I don't know whether I'd bother then. Scar?

Scar: No, I quite agree. I mean, because there's no mobs spawning here to set off the pressure plates, I think we're on to a winner here.

Bdubs: Yes.

Grian: Uh, thank you. (Genuinely confused)

(The model explodes in his hands. They all ignore it,)

Bdubs: I quite agree. I quite agree.

Grian: Thank you very much. Thank you.

(They all shake hands. Grian cheerfully walks out of the town hall.)

(He high fives Etho and the two of them start snickering.) 

(Here is your reminder that this is a joke, don't take it seriously, and if you get offended I am happy to have a civil discussion about it. Thanks!)

I don't really know why I made this but I like it. (: