The Truth He Never Told -I-

28. For the first time 1

Vijay's POV

"I wish I shouldn't have born in the first place. No one wanted me and you are never going to trust me. This is hell," Hearing those words from Aarthi is like piercing the nail slowly in my heart.

Sometimes people don't need to scold you, just their painful words are enough to make you think that you're a monster. She's saying those words because of me, she's crying because of me and she's suffering because of me.

I have never understood others' pain or suffering, that's how I have become and that's how I have lived because when I was suffering there's no one there to show their sympathy. Except for my emotions, I have never tried to understand others. As I grow up I never got a chance too and when she expects, it's difficult for me to do.

But for the first time in my life, I am feeling guilty that she's hurt. Even when she's crying at her dad's funeral I didn't understand that she's deeply hurt. I thought just like everyone she's hurt too.

Today it's different, her eyes were carrying the deepest resentment. She doesn't like me; she doesn't want to be with someone like me. No one does then how can I expect her to do such a thing. It's all my fault. Even knowing that I can't have a family, I can't make someone love all my psychosis, the small part of my selfish mind wanted to try it when I saw her the first time.

She looked beautiful, lively and strangely an emotion stuck me hard that maybe she will understand me. I have never felt this way with anyone before and that's the reason I decided to marry her however I was in an oscillation thinking about her family, there are more people around her and I was scared at first what if in the future they come to know about me. But my doubt all vanished when her father said that she's an adopted daughter. Then after marriage, her father met me and said about so many things that are going on in his family. He pressed that I am the only person for his daughter now on and never leave her in any situation. I thought she came into my life for a reason.

We don't know that certain things in our life happen out of our desire, that's how I see my marriage. My selfishness doesn't stop any of my way that leads to her. She's something I shouldn't keep yet I couldn't lose. Then after she came, I was not sure whether this relationship will survive? But each time she chose that she wants to be with me.

I always used to ask her whether she wants to be with me because I wonder how can someone live with me even after knowing that I am a murderer and she will say yes if she's happy and yes as no if she's angry. Though we have many arguments and misunderstandings she never hated me as she says. If someone was in her situation they must have left me already but she's there even after enduring all my madness. That's the reason I started to trust her. Trust, I lost that feeling in a silly way. Now it seems senseless but that time it wounded me deeply.

When I was fifteen, I had a friend who lived next door and we went to the same school. He's the only friend I had at that time. His parents know everything about my family and he knows it too. I still remember that one day when I was so happy that I got the first mark in all my subjects, that time, a guy sitting next to me asked whether my mother got a new husband. I don't know how did he know that. When I dig into who told everything to the whole class then it turns out to be the guy who I considered as my friend.

I felt so angry and I despised to keep anyone near me. If I was him, I would have never said those to everyone. There I realized either you're young or an adult people will have dirty happiness in talking about someone's life. There I thought I should never trust anyone except myself.

I wonder why in my life everything happened disastrously, why I have to go through so much. Even to the doctor I consultant, I can't say the actual things that happened in my life I am embarrassed and I can't even speak about my parents. If someone asks about them, I just don't want to talk at all but still with much difficulty I say they are dead.

I stopped having people close to me who might know my life a little more than the strangers. But I trust Aarthi because she's different from anyone I met in my life. I realized this when she always takes my side, talk for me, and showed her affection on me when the time I needed more. I am not a good person and I can never be good to anyone, my life has shaped in a bad way that made me like a callous but now I am trying to put everything back to normal and in this I needed her. I believe no one can save me expect her.

I started to have a strong emotion for her ever since I kissed her. I couldn't define what it is exactly, but I want to keep her as mine as only for me. Each time, she goes away I will let her go but then I can't stay without thinking about her. And my mind drives me to chase after her.

I didn't keep her not because she knew my secret; because I want to be with her. Unlike others, I don't want to lose her. I need her forever. After I told her my past, I thought she will leave me so I did that. Then it continued as I couldn't stop anything that I am doing. She becomes a part of me and I fear myself that I will harm her if she wants to leave me because I can't let that happen.

She agreed to stay, and I thought everything is going to be normal between us. But when she said she wanted freedom, I realized that she's not happy to live this way.

Though she smiles and acts good to me, she needs much more. She wants me to change but I don't know how. My head doesn't listen to anything I say. How can I erase all my past and live as nothing happened? Maybe I can pretend but I can never escape my own daunting voice.

However, she has put me to a point where I need to change in order to live with her. That night I couldn't sleep, I kept repeating her words in my head and wondered what should I do?

I sympathized with her situation and decided to leave the door open so that she can choose if she wants me even after seeing all sides of me.

I couldn't believe how I made that choice after coming to the hotel, now I am sitting in the room anxiously thinking whether she has left me or not. Why I did that? Why I changed my plans? Why?

I gritted thinking about my mistake but I don't want to stop the things that are meant to happen.

For all these days, I was keeping her caged and asking if she wants me or not. If you cage a bird and give everything it wants, it seems like it enjoys being in there but it's not, it wants to leave the cage badly which I need to understand. Now I let her free, she can go anywhere and chose anything.

I heaved a sigh and looked at the watch, it's half-past six. There's still time to go home, but I couldn't sit here anymore. So taking my car keys, I walked out. I didn't mind talking to anyone and left in the car.

I stopped at the lake on the way to my home. It looks like it's going to rain. I smiled recalling Aarthi's description of rain - a sky is a man and the earth is a woman and rain is the time when they make love. After the rain, creatures of the earth find life and able to survive.

She's good at everything she does, and I think the one mistake that happened in her life is marrying me. I don't know what I will do if she's not there at home. How could I live without searching for her? How can I able to live without that touch of her fingers.

She doesn't know how great she changed me, why can't I change completely for her? I asked myself. If I do, then I will get her love for all my life.

Maybe I don't have a good parent, I don't have a good family and I experienced all the worst things in my life but I am alive, I still have this damn life. And the one best thing that happened in my life is Aarthi. I think this is how I can redeem everything which I lost. I am not doomed to live without love. This time, at least this single time, I want to let go of my past to grab onto my future. I want my Aarthi.

With that thought, I started the car. The rain starts to drizzle.

In my life everyone has left me at some point, I never wanted them back even if they want me. But I need Aarthi. All I wish is Aarthi has to be there at home. At least, she shouldn't break me. Maybe it's too much to ask but I want her even if she doesn't entail me.

What do you think?

It's difficult to write his POV. I hope I didn't sound him as a normal hero? Did I? Please comment and tell me.

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