𝗌𝗉𝗋𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖽𝖺𝗒. ⌇𝒚𝒐𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒊.

열 여섯 ¹⁶

[ʏᴏᴏɴɢɪ]

Low-spirited, grieved, powerless. How could someone be so selfless, so blind? I was willing to wait for her, for some strange reason. I knew what the exact reason was. I pity myself for overlaying what it really was.

The next day, we avoided each other. Well, she did most if the avoiding. I didn't fail to give her occasional glances, while smiling knowing I wasn't doing a good job of hiding it.

She made sure to spend as much time with everyone, laughing, using her sarcasm, and making me glance with such envy, I almost grew angry. She spent so much time enduring herself with the others, and no time with me. 

I was lucky enough to receive a smile from her, a genuine one at that. It felt better than her usual death starring. Besides being eternally bothered that she didn't even say anything to me, I'd stare at her. As alarming as it sounds, I couldn't control it. She'd picked up on it, and look down trying to hide her reddish face.

The others even asked her about it. She'd say it was nothing. Nothing at all. And she'd deny whatever their stupid assumptions were.

Part of me was maddened, wondering how someone could be so cold, and selfish. The other half was contemplating why she wanted nothing to do with me. It was like what happened that shaded night, full of feeling and truth, was all for her pleasure, a waste.

As much as I'll deny myself, just as she did, I love her. She doesn't need to say it back. Really, she wasn't cold, or selfish. She was just healing. I'd be a monster to force her to show me some kind of affection.

When she leaves us, she'll leave me. And when time comes, maybe she'll be ready. I didn't want to wait, I hated just thinking about it. But it was for her, so I'd be a fool not to.

I'd wonder if she's thinking about me, like the way I think of her. I'd think about running away from my problems, with her. Only a dream, a stupid dream. I'd replay that night in my head so many times, trying to find a meaning for every detail. When she finally kissed back, I had a small amount of faith. But then she led me outside, giving me hug like she wasn't going to so see me ever again. And it felt like I'd have to wait for no reason.

When we went out separate ways, she turned her back to me. Like nothing ever happened. Instead I spoke to her false younger brother, Jungkook, or just another person to vent with. He told me that she wasn't doing this to get over me, instead to help me. I didn't believe him. If she had really wanted to heal me, she'd want me. Instead she never spoke to me after that night.

She did this for him, not for me, or her, for her past lover. Whom never returned her feelings. All because she's to good to have. So, so delicate. I don't know what's inside that fragile mind of hers, if she's in grief, if she's completely over him, I had absolutely no clue. And that made me furious.

Tell me why you control me so delicately, making me fall. How do I keep forgiving you? Repeating only what I see as toxic, and pernicious. You spoke to me with a voice of misfortune, and I was so clueless not knowing if it was just a subtle lie. I hate strongly seeing you in grief, I really do. Why must you drift away? It might be never ending. You're leaving me to languish away into my own broken flesh. But I read you so easily. So please, don't break when I'm away even if you find me repulsive. Its a complicated game chasing after you.