Loving yourself is hard. Trying to find love in a family who objectified you? Seems like work. But try finding love in someone as a hopeless romantic too.
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Smart, nerdy, pretty, and kind are all the words she's gotten used to. Being a Junior in...
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The next day after my very (not) eventful night, I was back to my usual productive self. Not having the burden of my unfortunate philosophy class helped with me being able to focus on my biology syllabus.
Despite spending almost every second reverting back to the words Matteo said, I managed to make it through. I've just really been occupied by his rude interpretation of who I am. Things like that don't usually matter to me but something in the way he said it made it matter.
He was angry. He seemed so angry that I acted the way he perceived me and it never occurred to me why. But then again, I'm sure I wouldn't want to find out.
Danica, on the other hand, woke me up in the middle of the night smelling like puke and weed. She needed help getting to bed and of course, me being the sensible one, I had to help. She spoke nonstop about her disgust when she walked in on Matteo and Jocelyn doing...the dirty. Bearing it was hard enough but hearing it in detail was a bit too much for my half-asleep mind to think about that I ended up shutting her up.
Quite the night I suppose. Never would've worked for me either way.
Sometimes I do wonder why I got stuck with her. Most times she's actually decent compared to the less responsible girls around the campus. Despite being persuasive and insensitive sometimes, she actually cared. Then again, my long history of disloyal friends and desperation for real ones do lower my standards in friendship. I guess I really just took what I can access at the time and well, it's Danica. She never acted up before so that's why I stuck around and I hope it doesn't change.
If people meet me once then they wouldn't think that my social life is suffering. But if they know me, then they know what it's really like.
An example: right now.
Walking aimlessly with the laughing crowd after hours. It's routine. Danica is on the other side of the campus so I don't get to see her during breaks and after school. I've gotten used to this loneliness but sometimes it makes me wonder how nice it would be to have someone to talk to. To be part of something.
Being on top also means bearing the cold. That's where I am. People think I'm too much, too less or too extreme. They either stay because they want something or leave because they couldn't understand me. I take no offense to that now but when it started in third grade, I took every bit of offense. It hurts to know you don't fit in because you grew up way too fast or you have a different path you want to take.
I feel a lump in my throat as I hugged my thick binder closer to my chest like the walls I've built up.
Being lonely for so long you just start forgetting and you kind of just start walking around like a zombie. Build a routine and live off of that. Nothing changes, nothing bad happens. Mother did say having no friends is better than having friends who aren't on my level.
It's funny actually because in college I'm the one who isn't on anyone's level.
I mean it's a wonderful day, the beginning of fall and the leaves started changing colors. The breeze is nice and cool while the sun painted over the concrete walls, but I'm still alone.
