Loving yourself is hard. Trying to find love in a family who objectified you? Seems like work. But try finding love in someone as a hopeless romantic too.
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Smart, nerdy, pretty, and kind are all the words she's gotten used to. Being a Junior in...
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It's been three days since that impeccably disastrous meeting Matteo and I had. I still think about it. When I wake up in the morning, reading, playing the guitar, or even now when I'm walking to band practice.
The only time I've seen him was in philosophy classes and even then he made the effort to avoid me or send deathly glares to me.
Sometimes though I find him starting my way in a less hostile way— I ignore it though.
All the things that were said before were either painful or painfully true. With a clear balance on who said the right things, it's still all fairly bothering. Every time my mind wanders to that parking lot the last thing I would see is him with his head hanging low like some type of guilt rook over him.
I don't believe it and neither will I after a hundred years.
He made it very clear that the only reason he doesn't want me to be friends with Jocelyn is that he can't stand me. He just wants all the benefits of that for himself. A selfish guy who knows nothing but living in a pool of his own self-loathing.
However, a part of me wished he was better.
Reading his word for our philosophy work gave me a glimpse inside his mind. It must be a wonderful place if he can elaborate on it like that on paper. I saw its beauty for a little, the passion in those words. I'd like to believe he only got lost in the depths of his mentality; lost enough to depict a dark and brooding man on the outside.
People like him really makes you want to believe they aren't like that. It begs to question the reason why they're so dark and negative. With all the literary classics I've read, most of their reasons we're their upbringing.
The little scolding from their fathers when they couldn't act like a man. Scarring torture to prove masculinity in an ethically undiverse society where they think a man should not cry or a man should be able to kill with his bare hands. Some other reasonings were living in a big family or being so rich that the pressure is immense.
Whatever it may be for him then I'm obliged to pity him. A man with a heart that cold is a man who's seen the battlefield— or just an utter joke.
Now beside him, another problem I have is with another guy (most of my problems are). Cade and I exchanged a few messages last night with his rather dramatic implication of 'Jocelyn is a monster, run away from her' and I was just baffled. I thought he would be much calmer and cooler than I was considering he's probably dealt with more stuff like this than I have, but I was proven wrong; very quickly.
He ranted on and on about how I should stay away from this girl and blah, blah, blah.
Some points he made were fairly reasonable but nothing too original. I've considered taking his advice but my guilt of saying no took over me again as I glanced over to the paper where her number was.
