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warnings: mentions of drugs, drinking, addiction
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he lit a cigarette. they were outside of the party that was still raging on inside the mansion, sitting at the balcony. the booming music was muffled and the lights were still visible from the screen. it was cold—winter was here, and a light now fell from the sky. his black jacket was around her shoulders. kang taehyun was known for these parties, throwing them in rebellion to his parents—and was also a friend of theirs, the two alone on the balcony.
hwang yeji was a good student that, before she met the boy leaning on the railing next to her, didn't know how to let loose.
uptight. that was what everyone called her. she knew it was true, but it was the kind of thing she thought she couldn't change. of course, until she met him.
midnight drives that were over the speed limit. jokes they both found hilarious. more friends that made everything seem better than they really were. conversations filled with the unspoken things they never said out loud. a soulmate. a puzzle piece. those were the things she associated with him. that was what he looked like to her: something special, beautiful. literally and figuratively.
breathing out, a puff of smoke went into the air. yeji wrinkled her nose.
the thing was, he probably smoked other things besides cigarettes.
but even so...
"i love you," she confessed, looking out at the view of the garden that surrounded the house.
it's blunt and to the point. but that was who she was—no choked words and reluctance.
choi yeonjun's heart skipped a beat—but she was never going to know that. he wasn't going to let her.
"but?" he replied with a half hearted chuckle, coming off as unfazed.
his eyes were shadowed with the lack of sleep and his blonde hair was disheveled like he had just woken up—still, that didn't make him anymore the less stunning as always.
he's sinking. there's no end to this—the things he loves are the things that will end up killing him sooner than he should. but he can't stop now. not ever. it's too much of a part of him now.
she knew this. and she also knew that this isn't the kind of life she dreamed of. he's not the kind of guy her future needs.
he knew that. and yes, it hurts more than everything else. it hurts to know he isn't the one she needs. it hurts to know that he can't leave this all behind. the races, the drinking, the parties, the adrenaline that became a drug. they've become a part of him; but she has too, even though he never intended her to be.
"but you don't like me back," she said, turning to meet his gaze, searching for anything. for anything that would prove her wrong. "if you did, then i could change what i want. it won't be that hard."
yeji's future: a stable job, a nice apartment, a family maybe. that was the plan to the road of happy she was so intent on achieving. someone just had to go and outweigh everything she had wished for, tipping the scale with everything that made him who he was. it's him. it always will be.
there's no one out there that will click as well as he does.
he's was taken by surprise. she's willing to choose him.
over everything else.
no. absolutely not. and as much as his heart breaks to hold back from confessing otherwise, to be unable to tell her the truth, he doesn't. he won't let her throw everything away—not for him.
"you're right," he started, tone indifferent and face void of any expression, "i don't. i'm sorry."
the tears pricked at her eyes as soon as the words left his mouth. she wasn't surprised—she expected it even. it was that sliver of hope that crashed her into disappointment. looking down, she hoped he didn't notice.
"then i guess i'll try to forget you then."
it's final. harsh. it seemed unnecessary, but it wasn't.
because she already knew that he could make her fall in love over and over again, and she wouldn't be able to do anything about it.
he stayed quiet, accepting the decision she had made—although he didn't understand why, he knew she was smart. she knew what was best, even though she doubted it for a moment. he was confident in her.
taking a deep breath, he took one last drag from the cigarette before putting it out with his foot. a smile made its way onto his face, not holding its usual carefree joy.
ruffling her hair, he said the last thing she would ever hear from him again:
