𝔽𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝔽𝕠𝕣 𝔻𝕒𝕣𝕜𝕟𝕖𝕤𝕤 (𝕒 𝕔𝕠𝕞𝕡𝕒𝕟𝕚𝕠𝕟 𝕟𝕠𝕧𝕖𝕝)

14. Options

A/N:
This chapter has triggering subject matter in it. Please read with caution and please keep an open mind as you do so.

I tap my foot nervously as I sit in the waiting room. It's my birth control. It has to be. I just need to switch up my birth control and my periods will come back. That's all it is. This has happened before. There's no need to panic.

I've repeated the former like a mantra in my head over and over again. I'm trying to ease myself out of the impending anxiety attack that will inevitably happen.

I'd had sex with Sean twice unprotected. Why I didn't insist he put a condom on a few nights ago is beyond me. I was too caught up in the moment, too caught up in him. The man was all-consuming, just like he'd said.

When he was in the room he had my complete and utter attention. My brain seemed to malfunction anytime I was in close proximity to him. As do most females brains, I'm sure.

Thinking about him makes me sigh because I'm sure he's spending time with another female at this exact moment. Getting him to open up, confess everything he had to me, had been a sure fire way to push him right out of my arms and into another's. That dark, dark past of his is why he wants nothing to do with me now.

He's probably out there right now smothering himself in sex, alcohol and whatever else he's into. Because that's who Sean is, Sean is an addict. I'd managed to get myself involved with an addict and not just involved; infatuated. Head over fucking heels for him.

I'm so pathetic.

"Monica?" A woman's voice calls out, making me stand up. "Right this way." She nods her head to go down the hall on our left. "I'm going to need you leave a urine sample and then you'll be in room 4. Dr. Gabriel will be with you in a moment."

"Okay." I say as the nurse takes off into the opposite direction.

After I fill the cup I go into the room, feeling thankful I'd drank that bottle of water on the way here. I sit on the gynecological table, fully clothed, and look around nervously. The room is warm, almost too warm or maybe it's just my anxiety. I can't tell the difference anymore.

I feel my palms start to get sweaty as I continue to wait for my doctor. Any other time I've come into this office I've never had this amount of anxiety flowing through my system. Once the door opens I nearly jump off the table.

"Sorry, I should have knocked." She gives me a warm smile. "I didn't mean to startle you."

"No, you're fine. I'm alright." I fiddle with my thumbs as she takes a seat on the stool in front of me, going over some paperwork.

"So, how've you been, Monica?" She asks.

"I've been alright." Quite shit actually but I'm not going to go there.

"It says the reason for your appointment is because you think you're having an adverse reaction to your birth control." She continues reading and says, "You've also missed a period and have been experiencing nausea."

"Yes." I fiddle with the hem of my shirt as I continue. "I think something is wrong with my birth control again. I think I just need to switch it up like last time."

"Have you missed taking some of your pills?" She looks up from the paperwork, putting it in her lap.

"I don't think so?" It comes out like more of a question. "I may have missed a few? Is that why my period is irregular?"

"No, that's not the reason, Monica. Have you had unprotected sex in the last month?" I feel my heart begin to beat irregularly at her question.

"Yes. Why?" I say, nervously, feeling the sweat on the back of my neck.

"Because you're pregnant, Monica." My world stops momentarily and a loud ringing starts in my ears. The doctor is still talking and I know this only because her mouth is moving but her words aren't registering one bit. After a good minute the ringing starts to subside and I begin to hear my name being said repetitively.

"Huh?"

"I asked you if you're in a relationship?" I shake my head no to her and she gives me a sad smile. "Do you know who the father is?" Tears sting my eyes and all I can do is nod.

Yes, I know who the father is but I have no idea where he is. Most likely getting fucked up beyond all comprehension with drugs and alcohol. The thought makes me sob automatically, not even caring that my doctor is right in front of me. How could I have had unprotected sex with a man like that? How could I be so stupid?

"The pregnancy was obviously unplanned."

"Yeah, obviously." Im able to say through my tears. "I can't have a baby. I can't. I'm not ready to be a mother and the father..." I wipe the tears away from my cheeks. "There's no way he'd want this." He doesn't even want me. I can't imagine what he'd do if I told him I was pregnant with his child. I let out another sob just at the thought of what he'd do.

"Well, there are options." She gives me a sad smile. "We can discuss them if you'd like." I nod my head at her, not being able to find words.

Options. There are options. I have options.

✩✩✩

A few hours later, after waiting to be probed by an invasive ultrasound wand, I'd found out that I am five weeks pregnant. Just five weeks pregnant. I replay my doctors words in my head, the instructions of what I need to do to. It'll be like a regular period, just think of it like that. That's what she'd said.

I look at the pill bottles feeling an uneasy, guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach. Wetness falls atop my arm causing me to look down. The act causes even more wetness to land on it. I wipe the liquid away from my face, not even realizing I'd begun crying again. This is about the millionth time I've cried since finding out what I'd found out.

I'm pregnant with Sean's baby.

The doctor had said I shouldn't be alone but there's no one I can trust with this. Not a single person. I can't tell my sister because I'm supposed to be a good influence. This is not being a good influence. No, this is being a fuck up. If Samuel found out about this I'm sure I'd never hear the end of it. And if he'd found out who I'd gotten pregnant by I'm sure I'd be ostracized even more. The family fuck up.

This is what I get for dropping out of school and thinking I can make it on my own. I get a shitty apartment, lose my job, and get knocked-up by my neighbor. The neighbor who has a boatload of problems and wants nothing to do with me.

There's no way I'd ever be good enough for you. I'm no good for anyone. His words play through my head as I stare down at the pill bottles. I'm slowly fucking killing myself every single day. I won't do the same to you.

I unscrew the cap to one of the bottles, place the small pill in my hand, put it in my mouth, and with my tears still flowing down my cheeks, I swallow.

 

A/N:
I know this chapter may have triggered a lot of people. Like I said in the first version of this book— we all handle things differently. This book has darkness in the title for a reason.