Trust Me?

Part 17

My house was cold and unwelcoming. I threw my bag down in the hallway and went straight upstairs. I wasn't even hungry so decided I would skip dinner, just wanting to curl up under my duvet. As soon as I swung the door open to my bedroom, I felt tears start to well in my eyes. Had I just ruined the best thing to ever happen to me? Without even undressing, I crawled under my duvet and closed my eyes, praying for sleep to come so I could avoid the feeling of my heart breaking in two.
My tears slowed as I calmed myself down, remembering how I still enjoyed life before having a boyfriend, and I would enjoy it after. I remembered Olivia would only be around once a week and that made me feel better too. Nonetheless, I would dread the days she was in.
I felt like a bitch. Olivia wasn't a horrible person, in fact she had been lovely. I was the one who had to take it the wrong way. She didn't even know Ben and I were together, how was she to know? She'd done nothing wrong.
I closed my eyes and exhaled sharply as I hiccuped the tears away. I half expected Ben to show up at my door, or Mat. But there was no one. As the night got darker, I emerged from my duvet to finally change into my pyjamas. I blinked away tears when I realised my go-to pyjamas had been Ben's t shirt. I found something else and crawled back into bed, sleep finally allowing me some respite.

***

Still hurting, and still vaguely upset that Ben hadn't tried to explain himself by turning up last night, I drove silently to work. Determined to keep up my indifferent expression, I took a deep breath and made my way to my trailer, which stood empty and dark on that cold February morning.
I checked the schedule and saw that I was working on Ben today, in fact, I was working on everyone. Would I have to explain what happened? That I think Ben and I are over?
I would have to act as nonchalant and calm as possible with Ben, not, quite frankly, wanting to talk to him.
Martha knocked lightly on the trailer door and walked in, announcing herself with a 'Hey'.
Her smile looked ingenuine and sombre.
"Please don't start," I rolled my eyes, expecting her to tell me to forgive Ben.
"I won't." She said quietly and sat down on the bench.
"I'm pretty sure this is it, Martha." My voice didn't even sound sad anymore, I'd cried over him so many times, I felt heartbroken and empty.
Martha didn't reply, just looked up at me with a miserable expression. "I heard what happened. The guys were not impressed at all. Nor am I to be honest."
I swallowed hard, but was slightly glad that I hadn't overreacted. At least I was justified in my annoyance. I sat down on the bench next to her, staring at the floor, void of any emotion at all. Martha reached up and began to rub my back, comforting me. We sat in silence for a long time.
"I'm sure Lizzy won't mind if you want to go home." Martha said in a slight whisper, not wanting to disturb the quiet too much.
"I can't," I replied, "there's nobody else to do the make-up." I kind of wished Olivia was here.
"I'm sure Lou could give it a go."
"I'll be okay," I muttered after a while.
I took a deep breath in through my mouth as the trailer door opened. It was Mat.
"Here you are," he said. I wasn't sure if he meant Martha or me.
I let out a small laugh to try and break the tension, "This is going to be awkward, isn't it?"
The two of them looked at me, unsure of what to say.
"At least we're all here. We'll make sure there are no awkward silences." Martha replied.
"Thanks," I said, grateful, but dubious.
We all looked towards the door as it swung open again. Simon, Larry and Jim walked in, heads down and awkward before spouting a gaggle of "heys". Ben followed them, trying his best to wear an unphased expression of indifference, clearing his throat as he entered.
I immediately stood up and began to busy myself with getting the make up ready and asking who was first, avoiding eye contact with Ben.
"I'll go," Martha offered, which I was grateful for, though I knew I'd have to do Ben at some point.
I worked my way through the guys until I got to Simon, then I realised the error of my ways. I'd left Ben until last and, usually, the rest of the cast would leave. I was sure they would hang around to make it less awkward, but it would be obvious why they were. I'd clearly asked them to.
The guys did a great job of keeping the conversation going and filling in the silences when they occurred, I was so grateful for that, shooting small smiles at them as they would catch my eye one by one. Ben remained silent the entire time and I felt like rolling my eyes at him. He wasn't the one who had been hurt here. I like to think I did a pretty good job of acting completely normal, even making the odd joke and laughing at the others slightly.
When I reluctantly announced that Simon was done, I looked over to Ben. He slowly made his way to the chair before sitting down and looking at me, stood next to him, in the mirror. I darted my eyes away and pretended I wasn't looking.
He cleared his throat and turned to everyone in the trailer. "Guys, can you give us a minute?"
They all went quiet and Martha and Mat looked at me in sync. I sighed silently and nodded softly, closing my eyes. They all made their way out of the trailer, shooting me reassuring but concern-filled looks on the way out.
It was quiet for a long time as I leant back against the make-up table, resting my bum on the counter and folding my arms, determined to uphold my hard exterior.
"Honestly, don't bother, Ben," I started. "I'm bored to death with it."
He appeared to be surprised at my short and emotionless statement. He looked down.
"I don't know what to say, Jules," he said.
"There is nothing to say."
"You have no idea, do you?" Ben said, emotion creeping into his voice now.
I looked at him, confused.
"You have no idea how long I've been head-over-heels in love with you." He said. "Because if you knew, you'd know that I'd never look at another girl. There is literally nobody in this world I'd rather be with, or kiss goodnight or share my home with."
I didn't know how to respond. I took a deep breath and looked to the floor, begging the tears not to make an appearance.
"I keep fucking it up, and I do it because I don't know how to make you as happy as you deserve to be."
I felt the tears now.
"You deserve the world, Jules. And I know I can't give it to you. You deserve to be treated better than I treat you." He looked down. I looked at him, in shock of what he was saying. He wasn't trying to apologise. "I hope you find someone who treats you the way you deserve."
My mouth was open with surprise now. When he'd asked everyone to leave, I'd expected a string of apologies, I had expected everything but this.
"Ben," I started to say, unsure of where I was going with it. "I don't want anyone else." I blurted out.
He looked up at me and I flashed a tiny smile, glad we were finally making eye contact. "You treat me perfectly, most of the time. You're just a fucking idiot sometimes." I tried to laugh but he didn't find it funny. He bit at his lower lip.
Slowly, I took his hand which was resting in his lap.
"I know," he said. "I wish I knew how to make it better."
"I know how you can," I said softly.
He looked at me deeply, squeezing my hand as he did so.
"Don't give up on me." I said as tears began to fall down my cheeks.
Ben stood up, unsure of what to do with himself: whether I wanted comforting or whether it was still too soon. I pulled him forward by the hand I had hold of and wrapped my arms around his waist, resting my head on his chest. My action caught him by surprise as it took him a second to return the embrace, one hand rubbing up and down my back and one pushing the hair from my face as his fingers ran through my hair.
I felt his chest slowly rise and fall as he let out a sigh, possibly a sigh of relief when he realised I wasn't ready to let him go. I felt him exhale through his nose as his lips rested on the top of my head planting soft, reassuring kisses.
"I do love you," I said quietly into his chest as my sobbing began to subside.
"I know, I know," he cooed.
I pulled my head up to look at him. His gaze met mine and I felt safe and at home again. I wasn't sure who initiated it, but it felt natural. We slowly met each other's lips and kissed gently, sealing our reconciliation and displaying my forgiveness. My hands moved up to his neck as I pulled him down to me, never intensifying the kiss, just keeping it gentle and slow and pulling away now and again to relish the feeling of it starting all over again. His arms were on my waist and around my back, gently pulling my body into his as my hands ran into his hair.
"I don't deserve you," he quietly said when we separated once again.
"Shh," I reassured, smiling slightly, happy that I had him back. "You're going to be late to the set," I said, resting my forehead on his, one hand at the back of his neck.
"I don't care," he finally smiled softly as he dove in for another kiss. I let out a shrill of surprise when he pulled my waist sharply into his body causing us both to exhale a small smile into the most loving kiss.