...that you've witnessed?
By: Frances Meredith
This wasn't even a particularly hostile situation but damn, the audacity! It still cracks me up.
First I have to talk about this guy. His name is Dom. He started working at the timber mill about a couple of months after I started. Really lovely dude for the most part but sheesh, he knew how to get on peoples nerves.
He's an English guy not sure whereabouts from but his accent was super proper like the royal family and he has this nasally voice which does him no favours. His accent and appearance did not go well together. He's what we Maori would call paru. When referring to people it means unkempt or unwashed and smelly. He always wore torn pants that were loose. We were all accustomed to his hairy buttcrack. I don't want to turn anyones worldview upon its head but it just didn't hold the same appeal as a cleavage. Sorry bout it.
He has this unfortunate habit of alienating potential friends by constantly repeating shit like,
"I actually have a really high IQ."
"I could destroy a man with just my words"
And your breath, but OK, darling.
A frustratingly contrarion guy, always has to swim upstream no matter the topic.
So to the "fight."
After work, our crew will sometimes hit the pub for a few wind down drinks and a chatter. Dom didn't usually appear for drinks because,
"Well, I actually don't drink because I don't like to dull my wits."
He seriously says this stuff.
Both my brothers Steve and Sid were there as they also work at the mill.
So were listening to one of our mates telling an awful joke about a Scottish dude and he's doing the most horrendous Scottish accent.
Once he drops the punchline, I jokingly say, "That was a fantastic accent. If only we could turn back time so you could give Mel Gibson some lessons. Braveheart might have been a bit more palatable."
Dom pipes up, "Braveheart was shit. Don't talk to me about Braveheart."
My brother Steve replies, "Nah, Braveheart was mean, bro. That was a choice movie."
Dom reckons, "It was historically inaccurate, therefore, shit. Fight me."
Steve says, "Yeah go on."
Dom gets up out his chair and steps up to Steve - who by the way, dwarfs him comically. Nevertheless, Dom squares up and gets in Steve's face. The tension at the table increases.
"Braveheart is shit."
So with that said, Steve shoves him -playfully, mind you- with one hand.
It was with one hand and Dom stumbles back like a drunk ballerina, flailing and flapping his arms, feet tripping all over the place in such a funny little dance that everyone starts laughing. He tries to get his footing back, but slams into a pillar behind him, bounces forward then back again slamming into the pillar once more, finally crumpling and landing flat on his half bare arse.
Audible gasps from everyone until Dom unsteadily rises and sheepishly slinks back to his seat. Once we see he's fine, the table erupts with laughter.
Whats the opposite of Braveheart? Drop-nuts? I think it might be drop-nuts.
It wasn't an actual fight by anyones measure but fuck, it was funny. To Dom's credit, he didn't get butthurt other than quite literally. He rejoined the conversation like nothing happened and I'm not sure if it was because he's just a chill guy or because he didn't want to start anymore shit with a dude who could knock him on his bum with a light shove.
My other brother Sid spent the next week reenacting the dopey dance for everyone who didn't get to see it . I'm sure the embarrassment means both Dom and his hairy buttcrack won't ever square up to anyone again.
Should've used his words.

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