I Know And I Don't Care (Cedric Diggory x Reader)

Chapter 37

Never before had the transition back into school been so hard. Yes, it was always difficult to leave Dad, after two weeks of games and laughs and the best butterbeer. But this had been the first break still roaming the halls of Hogwarts. Besides remembering I couldn't run down the corridors in my Christmas sweater, it was going to be hard to think so studiously when my mind had taken a...floaty approach for the holidays.

It's not that I wasn't sober in my decision making. There was no way I was going to be anything but clear headed with all that had happened. I wanted to remember everything. Not have to piece the puzzle back together from Cedric, who would don the most knowing smile filling me in on all my actions.

That being said, my mind was jam packed with the holiday times, leaving little room for the new school material that seemed to be flying in every which way. McGonagall's words still rung true: an international competition drawing all of the wizarding news attention was not going to hinder time spent in the library.

A yawn escaped me, just thinking of all the reading I had to catch up on. It wasn't noticed though, in the filled Great Hall. While nearly every student had stayed on the school grounds, there was still things to be discussed. More accurately, gossip to be gossiped.

I'd only been at breakfast for a mere ten minutes, and I already knew way more than I needed to know. A Hufflepuff 1st year had gotten caught on the wrong side of one of the Weasley Twins' creations. A group of Ravenclaw boys who were dared to steal some fire-whiskey from the kitchens, had been caught by Snape and hadn't been seen in days. And more than one Slytherin couple had been found in compromising positions in the darkest corners of the dungeons.

I nearly wished to be an innocent 1st year again by the time I was joined by Hermione. When Ron and Harry finally arrived, I was thinking about what life was like before Hogwarts, as a pure child with no knowledge of teenager's actions.

The more I focused on not hearing others gossip, the less I focused on my own. My ears had never been so keenly aware of my name floating around the room. It seemed the only mistake I'd made was kissing one of the most popular boys in school. Cedric, Golden Boy, Future Hogwarts Champion, and The Most Gorgeous Man to Walk the Earth, whispered and whistled past me. It was as if I was in the library and the books could talk.

"You alright?"

I looked up at Hermione, pointing my spoon at her. "You've been asking that a lot this year, you know."

"Well, you've been caused for concern a lot, too." She noted with a tip of her head toward the table.

I couldn't argue, only swallow the particular chunky bite of cereal I had just taken. Hermione wasn't wrong. I hadn't been the most...balanced friend this school year. It was sweet, the worry, but it just packed the guilt on more, only succeeding in tipping me over more.

It was a never ending cycle - shutting everyone out, wanting to be with them, realizing I'm holding them so far away, and resultantly shutting down once more. Would it ever end?

It could. Right here.

I met Hermione's eyes, briefly breaking to see if Harry and Ron were still discussing their latest game of wizard's chess (it hadn't ended in Ron's favor and he was blaming his knight's cowardliness). Seeing Harry still certain he won fair and square, I looked back at my friend. My best girl friend. Yes, girls were caddy and mean and talked behind backs, but not Hermione. I could trust her, right?

Her brown eyes bore into mine, not even flickering away as she set down her book. Wow. She was taking this seriously if the Encyclopedia of Toadstools could wait.

And I couldn't. I couldn't wait to tell her. I couldn't wait to hold everything out till I was on my death bed and I summoned her. If I did wait, she might not even come to see my take my last breath. The table space between us was small but we were only distancing.