i ̶d̶o̶n̶t̶ want forgiveness {POST GAME} <saiouma>

Chapter 6

(this chapter is Kokichi centric it's mainly so you can understand him more)

•* KOKICHIS POV *•

It's been maybe, two hours since I left Shuichi on my door step. After leaving him there, I frantically wheeled myself back to my bed and thrashed around in anger, screaming into my pillow , crying and letting out all the emotions I could not show around my peers. For me my life is a circus, a continuous act, I was given a personality and I had to conceal and construct my own persona to keep myself safe.
To survive.
So I wouldn't get hurt.
And so I wouldn't hurt other people.

Right now, I was laying sprawled on my bed, twisting a piece of purple white hair in my hand, pulling out a strand when my thoughts got to stressful. Dealing with pain has never been my strong suit, but I was never told what was wrong with me so I never knew the technical terms.
Looking back on my life in the hospital, it's been pretty shit.

To start me off on this wonderful trip to a new start, I woke up first and I was in critical condition,two things that weren't supposed to happen. Being as I have a weak body from, previous problems, and the stress of having to endure the worst death to date COMBINED with waking up first, there was no way I could survive.
I was supposed to die.

I rolled over in my bed, hugging my sheets close to me to keep warm but knowing it was ultimately useless.

Once I was stabilised, I was introduced to Hajime, he was a down to earth, stubborn and speaks his mind type of guy. Not necessarily mean, but just very brutally honest. He told it to me straight, that I was fucked, which I respect him for but it didn't do any favours for me.

I was diagnosed with a few mental disorders, I can't remember the names for them since they decided to tell me when I was in my weakest state therefore my mind wasn't exactly working well. My body took the blow too, the one thing I do know is that i have eating dissorders and I've come to know that even in my pregame self I had these problems so it's no surprise that when I was crushed my legs, arms, ribs, and all that jazz were all crushed and broken.

I lazily glanced over to the bowl of soup on my bed side table. With a long breathy sigh I reached one of my bony arms out and took the spoon, dipping it into the dark rich tomato soup. I shakily held the soup to my lips, the hot steam blowing against my face.
It seemed to welcoming.
And yet the more I stared at it the more I despised what my mind had told me it would do to my body.

M-mommy said food hurts me.

I'm s-scared I don't wanna b-be fat.

With a quick breath a shoved the spoon of hot soup into my mouth and shut my eyes tight.

After a few moments of letting the soup sit in my mouth.
I finally let it slide down my throat and swallowed it.

Mixed feelings were surging threw my brain but I needed to face my fears.

I know I deserve it but
I don't wanna die.

"I-I'm so scared"

Every day I discover something new about my pregame self. From the memories I recall right now, I grew up in an abusive household, but not in the kind you might think.

My mother was a black rose in my eyes, she was a master at manipulation.
Tch now I see where I get that talent from.
She gave me nice things,
Told my sweet words,
She said she loved me with everything she had.

I trusted her, I really did, I was so innocent.

However she slowly started to use it against me, telling me to do things for her and that I wouldn't mess up because i loved her. Or threaten that she wouldn't love me anymore if I didn't do something she wanted.

Only threw laying on a hospital bed for weeks on end in constant fear of my life have I remembered and understood that she was manipulating me.

But it didn't hurt any less.
Her impact didn't lose its damage.
I understand if but I'm still broken beyond repair from what she's done.
I don't know what's love and what isn't, Hajime has tried to tell me that what she did wasn't love but she was my own mother so she had to have loved me. Right?

I rolled over to look outside at the street below from the huge window on my wall. My eyes scanned the streets where ant like figures in suits walked in rows towards there destination.

It reminds me of how my perfect business man dad was the worst thing to happen to me.

Dad treated me differently from Mom.

He hated me, well that's what my gut told me.
Mom said he loved me, that he hurt me for my own good.

But when your being thrown against a wall, having glass thrown into your face and beaten until you can't see or feel , it's hard to tell if it's love or not.

"God why did they have to fuck me up so bad" I said into my hands with an exasperated sigh.

Over the last, how many weeks, of me being awake that's all I can remember from my pregame self.
Just a shitty household and an eating disorder, although scared and vunerable words will sometimes slip my mouth that I did not mean to say or weird thoughts would float in and out of my toxic brain which I assume is from that part of my life.
I always end up wondering if other people's lives were as bad as mine, not that anybody would care to talk to me about it since they all hate my guts except maybe Shuichi but I hate his guts so that dosnt work. However something has always nagged me in the back of my head, Why did I join danganronpa? It's such an awful, gross, despicable thing, so why would I do that too myself?

Oh well...

I hope I can figure out more about myself.

A low chuckle escaped my lips,

If I'm still alive to figure it out.

word count : 1086

n o t e s
Hope you enjoyed the chapter !! It isn't amazing but I wanted to explain just a little bit more on Kokichis condition as of right now. I promise there will be more character interactions, saiouma and fluff soon just give me some time to figure stuff out. BUT THANKS FOR NEARLT 800 READ WHAT THE FUCK YALL ARE TOO GOOD TO ME anyway until next time
- Sleepy