i ̶d̶o̶n̶t̶ want forgiveness {POST GAME} <saiouma>

Chapter 10

•* KOKICHIS POV *•

My eyes snapped over sharply. I looked around, only too see that I wasn't in my room. Inspecting the room I was in closer, I recognised a black hat sitting on a desk and a black and grey striped coat on a chair. I could feel my face heat up as I glanced beside me only to see a head of dark blue hair beside me. As I panicked internally, I tried to remember how the hell I was in Shuichis room, in Shuichis bed, sleeping beside Shuichi. Casting my mind back as far as it could go I still couldn't remember. My legs were now shaking. My body couldn't be seen by Shuichi it was too hideous, what if he saw the scars or how fat I've become, or how awful my face is, I don't deserve to be here. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes and threatened dangerously to spill and blow my cover. I quickly grabbed my hair for comfort trying to calm myself down with pulling it out, it sounds odd but it works. Shuichi shuffled a bit.
"Kokichi are you awake?"

I froze, like a dear in headlights. Not daring to utter a word or shake anymore I lay there in silence.
Shuichi turned over and looked me dead in the eyes. For some reason, when it was him looking dead at me, with his soft hazel eyes and his pale skin, long eyelashes and calm expression, I just broke down. Crying into his chest, he gasped slightly in surpise but soon patted me on the back awkwardly unsure of what to do.
"Kokichi? Is anything wrong?" He asked in a sooting tone, obviously confused but still wanting to help.
"I-I please d-dont look at me," I choked out my throat blocking as I struggled to breath. Shuichi held me close, not speaking. He just held me, and for some reason, that was enough. His soft breath, his composed attitude, his calm atmosphere, i could soon feel myself calming down and sinking into a state of calm. He chuckled a little and looked at me.
"Are you Ok now?" He asked again, letting go of me and blushing awkwardly.
"I- yes, yes I am don't worry I'm ok! Just got a little surprised that's all!" I tried to mutter cheerfully, however the crack in my voice made me just sound pitiful.
"If you don't mind me asking my dearest Shuichi, how did I get here?" I asked sitting up slightly and rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.
"Oh um..." Shuichi started nervously, "you sort of passed out, we were talking and you just passed out." My stomach dropped and my head snapped around to look at Shuichi.
"I pressed the button on your wheel chair and I think... Nagitos boyfriend what's his name... oh Hajime! He came in and took you to the nearest room... which was my room." Shuichi continued still nervous and getting even more nervous when I turned to look at him.
"Mikan got you in stable condition.. and said you probably shouldn't be moved around because of your weak state so they kept you in here." Shuichi finished his dark blush could be seen from here, even in the shadows of the night.
"I-I see," I muttered weakly, looking down at my body. So I'm really that sick Huh. I know this should stop, I should stop this but I can't, food makes me sick, but Shuichi would be mad at me, but-
"Kokichi is everything ok?" Shuichi asked for the third time that night. We sat there in silence for a second, the only sound that could be heard was the fan purring away on Shuichis desk and the moonlight bouncing off the walls and onto our faces. It could almost look romantic, if Shuichi wasn't so concerned and I wasn't so scared.
"You weren't lying about all those things you said in the group therapy, were you." Something in Shuichis voice said that he didn't want to believe it but as a detective, I guess it's his job.
I looked down in shame, every bone in my body said to not tell him anything, it'll only hurt him,
you don't want to hurt Shuichi do you?

"I was lying."

Silence again.
Shuichi didn't look convinced, in fact he looked more concerned at the smile that I had just plastered onto my face.
"I just said that all for shock value, to scare everyone!!" I laughed the fakeness making me want to throw up then and there.
"Please Kokichi I'm worried about you, your extremely thin, you barely come out of your room, you passed out for god sake you are lying right now." Shuichi said in a more forced tone but still sounding concerned. It painfully reminded me of the class trials, him having to convict everyone to vote for Kaede, the concern and pain in his voice but still the confidence. Oh how I yearn to be like Shuichi.
"Your wrong." I said in a cold voice, laying back down and not facing him.
He seemed to give up for now, sensing that I had turned hostile and not wanting to make anything worse.

It took a few minutes of silence for Shuichi to lie down as well, he wrapped his slender arms around me.
"Please know you can talk to me about anything, I won't pressure you anymore but I know somethings off, I'm here Kokichi"

It took me all the strength I had to not break down.

word count: 931

n o t e s :

finally this chapter is done omg yall I'm so sorry I take so long 😳😳 anyway hope you enjoyed !!!
- Sleepy