i ̶d̶o̶n̶t̶ want forgiveness {POST GAME} <saiouma>

Chapter 15

•* SHUICHIS POV *•

In for four, out for six, repeat.
Everything was spinning, only a small part of my conscious could register that i was currently gripping the walls outside of Kokichis room, shaking pathetically and clinging to it for dear life.
In for four, out for six, repeat.
My thoughts were on loop, like a broken record, constantly repeating the same thing.
You did this too him.
You are the reason hes so ill.
You enjoyed it.
You enjoyed seeing him like that.
Your sick.

"SHUT UP!!"

I vaguely remembered a women shouting and being picked up and rushed to a room, it was all so blurry, fragments of light and fading colours coupled by a pounding head ache were all I could think about. It was all so stupid, everything was just stupid.

"-ichi"

"-uichi"

"Shuichi?!"

My eyes snapped open.
Long familiar lavender hair came into view and the worried face of Kyoko Kirigiri sat on the side of my bed.
"Shuichi, are you ok?" She asked cautiously and I just nodded back.
"What happened in there Shuichi, you were found outside Kokichis door."
"Is he ok?!" I quickly said, desperate to know Kokichis status.
"He was found on the floor of his room by Celeste,  he seemed to have passed out but is currently in a stable condition." Kyoko explained, calming herself.
Celeste... oh Taeko, the dark women who had sat with him in the cafeteria before he had known about his memories.
"Celeste was there? Is there anyway i can see her to ask about Kokichi?"
Kyoko looked uncomfortable, she gave a small, sympathetic smile.
"Celeste is.... is unavailable right now." Kyoko said with some uncertainty that i detected in her voice.
"I wouldnt worry to much about her how are you feeling, you still havnt told me what happened and as your guardian i have a right to know as this is effecting your safty." Kyoko suddenly turned stern.

It took a long time to be able to explain what had happened. To explain the pregame memories took even longer.
By the end of it Kyoko had a cold expression.
"Wow... I have to say i didnt expect that." She said slightly taken a back after i had finished my explanation.
"However the more I think about it, the less surprised I am."
Her words shocked me a little, like a blow to the head, the fact that I seem like the kind of person to do all those awful things scared me.
Kyoko seemed to notice it as she quickly carried on,
"I only say this because a lot of the calmest, most collective and reasonable people from danganronpa are usually the ones with the most twisted past."
My head flopped to the side a bit in confusion.
"Well when danganronpa personalities and characters are created, we strive to make them as opposite to they're original personality as we can. Exploring what different people do when completely different characteristics are forced upon them makes things, well, more interesting."

I felt sick to the stomach. Everything about this danganronpa game was sick, so utterly horrible, but renching and cruel.
"Why?"
Kyoko looked at me with slight confusion.
"Why?" She repeated, motioning for me to go on.
"Why does this exist?" My voice cracked.
"So much pain, why would they put kids threw it, ruining relationships and memories and morals. I dont know what to do anymore! I was abusive! Cruel and manipulative to the person I loved I killed his own dad to get his trust for god sake! And I hate that I understand my actions and I can justify them even though they are the most disgusting acts that I can think of."
Kyoko took my hand, although her hands were icy cold, there was something familiar about the strange comfort they had.
"It is cruel, it is awful, and I don't endorse it at all, I can imagine the pain your going threw because I too, went threw it." She paused, uncertain if she should go on.
"In the game, i acted very much as you see me now, calm, cold, and logical, I loved someone at the time and that someone had died early in the game I had thought I'd lost them forever. I finally woke up and saw them again and it was all different. They were, different."
Kyoko now looked away from me, letting go of my hand and pacing the room.
"I felt terrified, their personality was just as twisted as in the game but it was more, evil it was more genuine. You see, danganronpa can twist your personality however they want and with them, they're constant urge and drive was to lie. In the game they're personality was meant to be sweet and kind but we saw something very different. So when I saw them for the first time after the game and sensed that they were even more twisted then when I had known them. I cut ties with her."

My eyes opened a little wider at the mention of 'her' it was definelty something I wasn't expecting.
"But thats in the past now, my relationship with her is ruined and me, myself felt the need to cut ties with everyone and not trust anyone. For I didnt know them anymore."

The was a deathly silence after Kyoko had spoke. She stopped her passing and turned to look me with a fire in her eyes that I had never seen before.
"I get it Shuichi, I know how lost and frightened you are, finding new things about yourself and how they effect the people you love is the most painful thing but I will do anything and everything to help you. I will not let you lose your relationship with Kokichi as I lost mine."

"Thank you Kyoko."
She smiled and sighed,
"I'll let you rest now, think things over Shuichi, write things down, calm yourself and think about things logically. Your not a bad person Shuichi the fact that you recognise and feel ill about your past self proves that, if you need anything you can press the button on your left and call me to you."
Kyoko gave another quick smile before disappearing out the door.
word count: 1046

n o t e s :
It's been a while !! Before I begin thank you for 14K I came back to a huge jump in growth and I'm forever greatful for all your support in commenting, voting and over all just being amazing. A bad dip in my mental health and motivation caused me to quite forget about this story so I apologise for being gone for so long but I hope to getting back to writing this. I dont have an idea of how many chapters more it will be but I have a brief idea on where the story is going. Again thank you all so much !! And Jesus Christ my writing is cringy.
- Sleepy