butterflies [ yungblud ]

34. confessions

trigger warning: talk of suicide, depression and alcohol addiction

"what are you doing here?" Ellijah sighed, leaving the door open as he walked back into his flat. Louis rolled his eyes and walked in, locking the door behind him.

"i'm worried about you," Louis said, entering the kitchen as Ellijah finished pouring himself a glass of whatever alcoholic beverage he'd decided to take a liking to that day.

"well, stop... worrying," Ellijah turned around with a glass of wild turkey in hand.

"i'm worried you're gonna relapse again," Louis snatched the alcohol from Ellijah's hand and tipped it down the sink.

"hey, i just poured that-"

"no. Ellijah, no. its nine in the bloody morning. you're not drinking. you're not startling up old habits again."

"too late for that," Ellijah poured himself another glass of wild turkey and turned to face Louis.

Louis filled the glass he'd taken from Ellijah with water to clean it out, "you should call Dom."

"no. he doesn't want to talk to me," Ellijah downed his glass before beginning to pour himself a new one. Louis rolled his eyes and took the cup before he could get the coke into it. "Lou-"

"talk to him, or i will," Louis then pulled his phone out and pressed on Doms number before putting it on speaker and placing it on the counter beside Ellijah.

Ellijah looked down, his eyes widened at the contact name and his hand shot out to quickly hang up before Dom answered but Louis slapped his hand out of the way just as Dom answered.

"hello?"

"before you get mad just know this was Louis' idea," Ellijah snatched his now empty glass back from Louis with a glare and poured a nip or two of wild turkey into it before adding the coke.

"i'm hanging up-"

"Dom, wait! wait, wait, wait," Ellijah downed the rest of his alcohol and placed the glass down. his hands pressed against the counter and his eyes closed shut. he heard his front door close and knew Louis left. he thought over everything he was about to tell Dom. if it was worth it or not.

"Ellijah-"

yeah. it was worth it.

"ever since i was thirteen i've struggled with depression," Ellijah cut him off, dropping the bomb he'd really only dropped on Louis. he grabbed Louis' phone from the counter and sat himself down on the kitchen floor with the bottle of wild turkey.

"i tried to kill myself when i was sixteen. three weeks before the X-Factor finals. Louis found me passed out on my bedroom floor, i was almost dead. he said it felt like my heart wasn't even beating. i tried to overdose. after that, Louis helped me. with my depression and getting clean from self harm. i was one year clean in august 2013, when the documentary was released, and have been ever since then."

Ellijah downed a mouthful or two of wild turkey straight from the bottle and waited to see if Dom was going to speak. he didn't. so Ellijah continued.

"i also managed to develop an alcohol addiction in 2012. i used alcohol as an escape from the urges and thoughts. i was rarely ever sober. i think the longest time i was sober for in the last three years of One Direction was ten days, and truth be told, i haven't been sober for more than a week since tour ended."

Dom didn't speak and neither did Ellijah. he just continued drinking his wild turkey straight from the bottle whilst waiting for Dom to say something. mouthful after mouthful and more silence. the silence turned painful rather quickly and Ellijah was nearing the end of his bottle.

Ellijah sighed, "i fell in love with Louis. during One Direction he helped me with my depression, my sexuality, my suicidal tendencies. he helped me get my confidence back and to express myself through painted nails and expensive suits a-and dancing like a crazy person on stage," Ellijah breathily laughed, "i don't know why i kissed Louis, or why i had sex with him. we were both pretty drunk, and that isn't an excuse because i know we can handle our alcohol, and i have no clue what im saying right now! it makes no sense! i've drinken a whole bottle of wild turkey so im super fucking drunk and its only nine thirty in the morning a-a-a-and i'm so fucking sorry for hurting you, D. i shouldn't have done anything with Lou when me and you have something happening a-and-"

"Ellijah! Ellijah, be quiet!"

"sorry," Ellijah mumbled, swallowing down the last bit of wild turkey in his bottle and listening to what Dom had to say.

"you didn't cheat on me, and i think thats the only reason why i haven't completely shut you out."

"i feel like i cheated."

"it feels like you cheated," Dom repeated, agreeing with Ellijah because seeing that photo caused something inside of him to break. something he didn't want to ever feel again. "i'm going to be in London next week. we can talk it out in person then, yeah?"

Ellijah nodded and leaned his head against the cupboard behind him, "yeah. okay. next week."

next week it is.

(unedited)
a/n ahahahhahhhhhhhh not my favourite chapter at alllllll. not many chapters left and its the end :(