butterflies [ yungblud ]

34. confessions (rewrite)

trigger warning: talk of suicide, depression and alcohol addiction

"what are you doing here?" Ellijah sighed out as he saw Louis standing on the other side of his door. leaving the door open, he walked back into his flat and Louis rolled his eyes and walked in, locking the door behind him.

"i'm worried about you," Louis said, entering the kitchen as Ellijah finished pouring himself a glass of whatever alcoholic beverage he'd decided to take a liking to that day.

"well, stop... worrying," Ellijah turned around with a glass tumbler full to the brim with whatever bourbon he decided he liked that morning.

"i'm worried you're gonna relapse again," Louis snatched the alcohol from Ellijah's hand and tipped it down the sink. Ellijah opened his mouth, arms moving out to his sides as he protested.

"hey, i just poured that-"

"no. Ellijah, no. its nine in the bloody morning. you're not drinking. you're not startling up old habits again."

"too late for that," Ellijah mumbled as he poured himself another glass of wild turkey and turned to face Louis.

Louis filled the glass he'd taken from Ellijah with water to clean it out, "you should call Dom."

"no. he doesn't want to talk to me," Ellijah downed his glass before beginning to pour himself a new one. Louis rolled his eyes and took the cup before his friend could get the coke into it. "Lou-"

"talk to him, or i will," Louis then pulled his phone out and pressed on Dom's number before putting it on speaker and chucking it carelessly onto the counter beside Ellijah.

Ellijah looked down, his eyes widened at the contact name and his hand shot out to quickly hang up before Dom answered, but Louis grabbed both his hands and pinned them behind his back right as Dom answered.

"hello?"

"hi, it's Louis. Ellijah wants to talk to you," Louis let go of Ellijahs hands and childishly stuck his tongue out as Ellijah glared and snatched his now empty glass back from Louis with a glare. he poured a nip or two of wild turkey into it before adding the coke.

"i'm hanging up-"

"Dom, wait! wait, wait, wait," Ellijah quickly downed the rest of his alcohol and placed the glass down. his hands pressed against the counter and his eyes closed shut. he heard his front door close and knew Louis left. he thought over everything he was about to tell Dom. if it was worth it or not.

"Ellijah-"

yeah. it was worth it.

"ever since i was thirteen i've struggled with depression," Ellijah blurted out, inevitably cutting the lad off. he grabbed Louis' phone from the counter and not-so-gracefully sat himself down on the kitchen floor with the bottle of wild turkey.

"i tried to kill myself when i was sixteen. three weeks before the X-Factor finals. Louis found me passed out on my bedroom floor, almost dead. he said it felt like my heart wasn't even beating. i tried to overdose. after that, Louis helped me. with my depression and getting clean from self harm. i was one year clean in august 2013, when the documentary was released, and have been ever since then."

Ellijah downed a mouthful or two of wild turkey straight from the bottle - face scrunching up at the burn - and waited to see if Dom would speak. he didn't. Ellijah continued.

"i developed an alcohol addiction in 2012. i used getting drunk as an escape from the urges and thoughts. i was rarely ever sober. i think the longest time i was sober for in the last three years of One Direction was ten days, and truth be told, i haven't been sober for more than a fortnight since the band went on the break."

Dom didn't speak. neither did Ellijah. he just continued drinking his wild turkey straight from the bottle whilst waiting for Dom to say something. mouthful after mouthful and more silence. only Dom's breathing and the occasional swallow from Ellijah. the silence turned painful rather quickly and Ellijah was nearing the end of his bottle.

Ellijah sighed, "i fell in love with Louis. during One Direction he helped me with my depression, my sexuality, my suicidal tendencies. he helped me get my confidence back and to express myself through painted nails and expensive suits a-and dancing like a crazy person on stage," Ellijah breathily laughed and gulped down the last of the Wild Turkey.

"i don't know why i kissed Louis in Australia, or why i had sex with him. we were both pretty drunk, and that isn't an excuse because i know we can handle our alcohol, and what i'm saying right now isn't helping me get you back! it makes no sense! i have drunken a whole bottle of Wild Turkey, and its not even ten yet, so i'm super fucking drunk a-a-a-and i'm so fucking sorry for hurting you, D. i shouldn't have done anything with Lou when me and you have- have something happening and-"

"Ellijah! Ellijah, be quiet!"

"no! no. let me finish," Ellijah's words started slurring together and he pointed at nothing in particular as his voice raised just the slightest, "i think i am always going to love Louis, but not in the way i used to love him. not in the way that i love you, Dom. Christ, i get fucking butterflies every time i see or hear your name or-or your stage name like a teenager with a crush. i love you. more than you'll ever know."

he heard a sniffle from Dom before a quiet laugh left his lips and "i love you, too," was whispered through the speakers, "just... give me a week, or two, please? i'll be back in London in twelve days, i'll come and stay at your flat, and we can talk about everything and work it all out. okay?"

Ellijah nodded, "yeah. okay."

"okay," Dom repeated and there was a pause where they just listened to each others breathing, and the occasional sniffle from Dom as he attempted to unblock his nose.

"go and get cleaned up for me, please. take a warm bath, get Louis to put some new sheets on your bed and have a decent sleep. drink some water, too, please."

Ellijah nodded even though he was well aware Dom couldn't see him before quietly saying, "okay, um, i'll call you when i wake up?"

"i'll be looking forward to it. goodnight, E."

"goodnight, D," Ellijah tugged his bottom lip between his teeth for a short moment before whispering as quiet as ever, "i love you."

"i love you, too."

(unedited)
a/n and exactly one month later i am back from the dead, and whether i owe it, or not heres my short ass explanation. i've spent the past month figuring out how i am going to end this book -- as well as work on my other books and plan a new book or two -- i finally figured out how to end it. dundundunnnnn. i also absolutely despise the original chapter 34 and decided to rewrite the whole (kinda whole) thing (i'm leaving it up so i can always go back to it and realise how bad of a writer i am when i haven't slept for over 48 hours lmao).
anygays, i hope everyone is safe and remembering to drink a shit ton of water. toodles!
- keels <3