Dark Paradise

Chapter 30

~Prayer does so many things. It heals, comforts,strengthens, and brings you faith.

The weekend before I'd leave back to Paris life decided that it couldn't let me be happy for even two weeks. Even though my grandfather was suppose to have a few months left, his tumor ended up killing him Saturday morning. And here I am locked up in his room, it's now Sunday night. I've done nothing but cry and sleep. Harry and my grandmother have tried to coax me out but I stayed in.
And this is why I'm scared to be happy. Because every time I'm happy, something goes wrong. And it all just pisses me off how easy it is to get sad and then how long it takes to get happy again. Like what the fuck man that's not fair.
And here I am drinking away my pain, my grandfather loved to drink so he had a secret stash in his room of tequila, that only me and him knew about, well at least now just me. It seemed like every time something went wrong drinking was my get away. That's one thing my whole family had in common. Drinking was just our get away, our addiction. We all get addicted to something that takes the pain away.
I just don't understand why he had to leave me so fast. It wasn't fair. A new fresh set of tears fell down my face. I still couldn't face the fact that he was actually gone. He was here two days ago alive and smiling. And now he's gone. His funeral was on Tuesday, and I have no idea what I will be saying there. If I could even manage to actually go up there and not break down in tears.
The alcohol was having its affects on me, but it was only numbing my body, it wasn't doing much affect to my state of mind. This was like what? My fifth bottle. But I kept on drinking on hopes Id pass out and finally rest for a while. My head was pounding from crying, and not eating in half a day.
But I don't know why it hurt so much. I've always known death was something you couldn't ignore. It was always going to creep on, on me. And now I envied the kids at school who had someone pass away from them. Because now they were prepared for this type of pain and loss. This was my first and clearly I was not dealing with it so great.
At some point I was going to realize that some people could stay in my heart but they wouldn't stay in my life. It was the cycle of life. You're born, you live and then you die. We were all born to die. Death was something none of us could escape because it would creep on us one way or another.
But the living suffer more on this end of the deal. Because we feel the loss and we're the ones that break when they leave us. And it was true. It does take ten times as long to put yourself together then it does to break.
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"Bel it's time." My grandmother said through the other side of the door. It's been 4 days, and I was finally about to leave the room. Today was the funeral date. I fixed my black dress and looked one more time in the mirror. I barely wore make up, my eye makeup was all water proof.
I took one deep breath and opened the door. Walking down the stairs I could feel the emptiness in the house. It doesn't feel like the same home that I used to have fond memories in. I doubt it will ever feel the same.
"Hey." Harry said once I reached the bottom step. He didn't ask if I was okay, because he knew the answer. I hated when people asked me that, and it was clear that I wasn't.
"Hey." I whispered back. He wrapped his arms around me and just held me and to be honest that was the best thing he could do at the moment. I wrapped my arms around him, and just took him in. I was lucky to have harry at a time like this.
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My grandfathers funeral was held at the church in the middle of the pueblo, that's where him and my grandmother got married as well.
When it was time to give my speech I was a wreck. I didn't plan on doing one so soon. I looked around the church and saw familiar family members, close family friends, my family next to harry. I wished they didn't have to meet like this, but it happened.
It was clear he was liked a lot by the mass of people at the church. He had a lot of friends.
"My grandfather was my best friend. He was also like a second father to me. I have everything to thank to him. Because without him I wouldn't be what I am today. He was my biggest inspiration, he looked at life differently. He always looked at the positive side, if there wasn't one, he'd make one. He strived for happiness, and I like to believe he had it. Anyone who knows him always saw him joking around and smiling. Even when he was diagnosed with cancer, that didn't stop my grandfather from going on with life..." I paused for a moment feeling tears at the ends of my eyes.
"I like to think that heaven couldn't wait for someone like him. And that's why he's not here today. I'm lucky I got to spend the time I did with him. But now it's heavens turn to have him. Hopefully one day we'll reunite...as for now I'll go on with life too, cos that's what he would for me. That's what he would want for all of us.
I just hope he's happy and for him to know how much I love and miss him." I said ending my speech, I could feel a few tears escape my eyes as I went back to sit next to harry.
Immediately he wrapped his arm around me and kissed my forehead. I know eventually I'll move on, and I'll learn not to feel the pain, but for now it was okay to feel empty and feel like something is missing. Cos he is missing from my life.