Anything For You, Beks [Heartbreak Series #1]

Chapter 43: Jyll (Loved)

JYLL

Do I believe that first love never dies?

The answer is yes in a different context. I admit, Chrysa was one of the best things that happened in my life. She was that someone who dragged me into the cavern of love unexpectedly. She made me feel the extremest feelings I could ever imagine.

She was my first love. She was my first kiss. She was the first thing I could think of every morning. She was the first one to make me shiver whenever I looked into her eyes. She was every first.

I loved her. I loved every bit of her soul. I loved how she smiled genuinely because that's so rare. I loved how she raises her brow every time she's pissed. I loved how she spoke of my name and the things she is fond of. I loved how she gracefully walked. I loved how she easily won every debate. I loved how she held my hands with her soft palm.

I loved her but things really happened unexpectedly. Just as how she made me feel the love, she had broken me into pieces.

No'ng narinig ko ang sinabi niya noon kina Jhya, I was hurt. I was stabbed by the sharpest sword. We lost our battle because we never fought for it. We. Never. Fought. For. It.

None of us dared to take the sword stabbed in our hearts and use it as a weapon to fight for what we wanted. I admit, I was a coward for removing my grip just like that.

Pero, paano ako lalaban 'di ba, kung sa simula pa lang ay hindi rin naman pala ako kayang ipaglaban ng ipinaglalaban ko? Where will I hold on kung kakapit palang ako ay unti-unti na akong binibitawan?

Chrysa was my first love, she will always be.

Na-delay ng kaunti ang landing ng eroplano sa airport for some reasons. No'ng matanaw ko si Chrysa at magtagpo ang tingin namin, hinahanap ko 'yong tibok ng puso ko na tulad noon. Sadly, hindi bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. Hindi ko na mahanap 'yong pakiramdam na dati ay kinasanayan ko.

Pero parang iba 'yong nararamdaman ni Chrysa. Kahit papano ay hindi naman ako manhid para hindi 'yon maintindihan. The way she shivers slightly kapag nagtatama ang balat namin. I want to blame myself for not feeling the same way anymore.

The feelings that I used to feel when Chrysa was around were gone but will immediately come back whenever I see Marmyx.

Matagal kong tinantiya ang pakiramdam na ito. Sa paningin ng iba, siguro hindi normal. Sa paningin ng iba, kasalanan. I know. The society create their own preferences of people. Kapag ganito ka, salot ka. Kapag ganiyan ka, wala kang kwenta.

Sinubukan kong pigilan. Akala ko noon ay simpleng paghanga lang. Akala ko noon ina-admire ko lang siya bilang tropa pero habang tumatagal, parang bulkan na may namumuong mainit na pakiramdam hanggang sa sumabog.

Unang araw ko pa lang bilang transferee, pansin ko na ang pagkakagusto ni Marmyx kay Chrysa. I didn't know that my conversations with Chrysa were giving her false hopes. I admit, nagseselos ako. Why are they too close? May something ba sa kanila? I've been gone for years, what happened during those times? Niligawan ba ni Myx si Chrysa? Sila na ba? Most people will think that I'm jealous because Chrysa is my ex-girlfriend but hell, I'm fucking jealous because I like the guy!

I was planning to tell everything to Chrysa. I mean, she needs to know. Isa pa, she has been a huge part of my life. Hindi kami makakausad pareho kung may mga bagay pang nagho-hold back sa amin. I invited her for lunch to ask her kaya lang ay kinabahan ako. Nagkasakit naman ako noong sumunod. She even went to my house to cook for me and remind me to drink my meds and again, I let the opportunity slip away.

I invited her for a date or should I call it a date? Nagkunwari akong bibili ng regalo sa kapatid ko kahit ang totoo ay nabilhan ko na ito sa Italy pa lang. Natapos ang araw na bigo pa rin akong umamin tungkol sa katauhan ko.