1.1 The Chronicles of Us - Vice & Virtue

Chapter forty-six

I storm down the street. My angry stride slowly turns into a slumped stroll. I don't even understand what just happened. Why did we blow up like that? He was so wrong, but at the same time, also a little right. I did like the parties and I should've tried to find a job. These changes I've made, I don't like them one bit and neither does Tex. I don't want to be mean like Vicky or a wild-child like Charlotte.

I'm such a cliché! The naïve small-town girl who fell in love with the rowdy city boy and lost herself in the blinding city lights. What was I thinking? Doing drugs like it was just harmless fun. I don't regret the experience, per se, but this is not why I came to Los Angeles. I came here to be with Tex. To build a relationship—a life—with him.

I catch my reflection in a tinted car window. Dear God. I'm a mess. My hair is a big rat's nest and my makeup is smudged all over my pale face. No wonder Tex was so shaken up.

I sigh deeply and take my phone out of my purse, then turn it on. I need some advice from my levelheaded friend. Thankfully, Maggie answers on the first ring. "Hey, Ellie. What's up?"

A sob bursts from my lips. "Oh, Maggs, I messed up. Big time."

"What happened?"

"I got arrested last night at a rave. Tex was so angry when he saw me this morning. We got into a pretty ugly fight."

"Jesus, Ellie, are you all right?"

"Yes, they gave me a warning and told me it won't be on my permanent record." I sniffle some more. "I just don't get why Tex got so mad. I didn't even take drugs. It wasn't that different from the parties we usually go to. Except, this time, he didn't come with."

She stays silent for a moment. "I don't know if it helps, but Frank told me something you should know about Tex. Apparently, he wasn't much of a partygoer. His relation to drugs was a lot more ... problematic."

An ominous feeling shadows my heart. "What do you mean? Like an addiction?"

"Maybe. I'm not sure. All I know is that he wasn't popping a pill every now and then to enhance the party mood. He was on a self-destructive mission. Frank had to call him an ambulance multiple times. Sometimes Tex would buy a stash of downers and disappear for days."

My mind provides terrible imagery. Tex harming himself in a self-loathing state of mind. Did he try to ... kill himself? The thought nearly cripples me, but ... "He hasn't behaved that way with me. We had fun all the time." 

Her voice remains calm. "Frank also told me that Tex had been AWOL for almost a year before he showed up with you. He's been trying to quit the drugs and clean up his act. You know, get his priorities in order."

I take a deep breath to prevent anxiety from taking over. "I don't understand. Then why are we going to all these parties if that's not what he wants?"

"Seriously, Ellie." She sucks her teeth. "Can't you see that he's so in love with you he wouldn't dare to deny you anything? He's scared shitless you'll leave him if he holds you back."

My head is spinning. I can barely believe it's true but it does make sense of his apprehension. I meddled with his self-protection and put myself on the line as well. It was me who harmed us—all in the name of love.

My lip trembles when I speak. "All I ever wanted was for him to see me as an equal. Someone who could keep up with his lifestyle. Someone who speaks the same lingo as his friends. It all seems so moot now."

"I get it, Ellie. You wanted to fit in with the cool kids. With the way you were raised, I understand that, but it's time to end your flirt with drugs and start making the right choices again."