Lost child

5. Falling / Decalcomania

The main theme in this chapter is Jungkook's introspection about growing up, feeling lost about who he is becoming, not knowing how to move on, making mistakes, and getting confused about his own actions and feelings.

2015 - 2019

At first, Jieun and Jungkook didn't speak to each other for a year in 2015. A cumulation of factors (busy schedule, the painful memories triggered by the presence of the other, awkward silence) made them deal with their loss separately.

They were just senior and junior in the industry, politely acknowleding the other one when they crossed paths at award shows and events.

Then in December 2015, Jieun suggested they should meet up on the 9th january in Jinhae to hold a private memorial ceremony for their daughter. She bought the house where she stayed during the last months of her pregnancy and they build the memorial for their daughter in the garden. It became their annual tradition.

He usually came with several bouquet of flowers and new drawings that he placed in a metal box. It wasn't much but it was all he could think of to show his love. Despite the fact that he didn't know about her existence until it was too late nor never had the chance to see her, she was still his child and he will always cherish her.

It used to be the only day in the year where he could allow himself to mourn over everything he lost, everything he and Jieun could have been. It used to be the only occasion where he could apologize to their little angel and to Jieun for his absence when they needed him the most.

He often wondered what would have happen if he was there. Would things have been different if he learned sooner? He was aware he couldn't change the past but the guilt was permanently present in his mind.

The two of them would usually eat together in the house and talk about random things in their lives or eat silently. Their feelings were a taboo subject, none of them felt ready to address the elephant in the room. They were understandably afraid of opening a Pandora's box if they started talking about their former relationship and how they were dealing with their loss.

Things started to change in 2017 after Jieun broke up with the singer Jang Kiha and Jungkook dumped Laboum's singer Ahn Solbin. BTS and IU were both in Hong Kong for an award show. The organizing committee booked four floors in the same hotel for all the nominated artists. One night, Jieun rang his doorbell, much to his surprise she kissed him passionately as soon as he let her in his room and they both stumbled on his bed, taking off each other's clothes without saying a word.

It was the beginning of their secret rendez vous and friends with benefits arrangement (if you could call them friends). He never told a soul about all the times he and Jieun would meet in secret in Seoul, Jinhae or other places to physically comfort each other over the years.

He tried to convince himself for two years that it was just casual sex with no feelings. Jieun and he barely talked, too much pain separated them emotionally so they just gave each other what their body craved.

She was like an addiction to him, though he knew this whole affait was not good for them but he kept seeking her out and kept tabs on her from afar. Depending on their moods, it was either a passionate and steamy fuck or slow making love session. When they were done, they went back pretending they didn't know each other in public. Nonetheless, they were both aware they left too many things unsaid.

Then it all stopped in september 2019 when the first rumor of a relationship between Yeo Jingoo (their mutual friend) and Jieun came out during their drama. She stopped contacting Jungkook, silently ending their love affair.

Time passed but Jieun nor Jingoo never confirmed nor denied the dating and engagement rumor. Jungkook's mind slowly eased when he failed to hear more news about their couple.