addiction - draco malfoy

twelve

i continued to go to draco's every saturday for weeks after that. it had been over a month since i'd first gone to draco's room to do coke, and it had became a routine. we completely ignored each other in school, and we didn't even confirm that saturday's were going to happen. i'd just turn up at his door and he'd let me in. we'd make small talk for a couple of hours, maybe play a few board games, but every night i'd climb into bed with him and we'd curl up together. draco didn't mention the fact that i'd only climbed into his bed that saturday to keep warm, and it wasn't strictly necessary anymore, so i didn't mention it either. every morning i'd wake up as the first morning light glared through the window, and creep out of the dorm and back to my own bed before anyone else was awake.

emma and lily had kept on at me to tell them who the 'mystery man' was, but i'd rather die then tell them i'd been spending every saturday with draco malfoy. they both thought i was falling in love, and i was, but not with a stupid boy. i was falling back in love with cocaine, i was remembering exactly why i'd got addicted to drugs in the first place. i was falling in love with that feeling of being undefeatable, the feeling that nobody could ever touch me. the feeling of complete and utter elation, a mood so good that nothing could crash it. well, until the drugs wear off.

'it's halloween next week' i said cheerfully, nudging draco. he'd been in a foul mood all evening, i'd been here an hour and he hadn't even got the drugs out yet. he'd just sat and sulked. i don't know what was bothering me more, the absence of his laughter or the absence of the drugs.

truth be told i'd grown quite fond of draco malfoy, he wasn't the knobhead we'd all been led to believe, although watching him in lessons it was easy to see why you thought that. i'd seen a different side to him, the side that slipped you extra money in monopoly when he saw you were loosing, and leant you clothes to wear after you'd been skinny dipping at midnight.

we didn't acknowledge each other outside of lessons, and crabbe, goyle and blaise had been sworn to secrecy about my sleepovers in their dorm. that was fine by me, emma and lily could not find out that draco was the mystery boy. i knew blaise wouldn't snitch, we could mutually destroy each other, but i still held my breath everytime crabbe or goyle opened their mouths.

'yeah' draco replied mournfully. he'd taken so long to reply that i'd honestly forgotten i'd asked a question in the first place. 'next saturday' i persisted.
'mhm'
'so we'll be together won't we?'
'yeah i guess, you'll be coming here won't you' he sighed. 'yes' i said happily 'that's fine then'.
'why?' draco asked suspiciously, eyeing me.
'no reason'.

he huffed, turning back into sulk mode and resting his head on his hands. 'what's up' i tried lightly. he said nothing, so i scooted across, resting my head on his shoulder in silence. it was a good few minutes before he spoke. 'do you ever just wish you were someone else?' he asked 'like you didn't have the expectations and the reputation to live up to? you didn't have people to disappoint?'. i blinked in surprise. i'd always thought that draco had quite enjoyed his life. who wouldn't? they say money can't buy happiness, but if i was as rich as draco i know my life would be a lot easier. he had the funding to buy what appeared to be unlimited amounts of coke, that can't be a bad thing really.

'all the time' i answered truthfully, surprising myself.
'really?' he looked down at me.
'yeah' i shrugged. it was weird, i'd spent this entire school year looking for someone to understand me, it never occurred to me that that person could be draco malfoy. he was still looking at me, so i continued. 'i'm bipolar' i said slowly 'i got diagnosed when i was only eight years old. and, i get these thoughts sometimes'.
'thoughts?' he prompted.
'i think they're called intrusive thoughts? i'm not sure. there's a voice in my head that tells me things, that tells me people want to hurt me. like that night in the astronomy tower, i thought you were gonna kill me'. i couldn't believe i was telling him this, and sober too. i'd have to convince him to get the coke out after. maybe if we did enough lines he would forget this entire conversation.

'you know i'd never hurt you right?' he said seriously.

but he's giving you drugs. drugs that hurt you. he clearly wants you to die of an overdose. he wouldn't give a recovering addict drugs if he wanted to keep them safe.

'elizabeth? is it speaking to you right now?' he whispered, he reached up to move a hair out of my face and i leant back, getting to my feet and out of his way. 'god. i thought you'd get it' i spat, fighting the urge to cry. he wouldn't see me cry. 'i do get it i-'
'the voice isn't an it. it's not a separate person, it's part of me. that's what makes it so fucking scary'.
'but el i was just trying to-'
'forget it' i shook my head, slamming the door to his dorm room and causing the floorboards to give a satisfying shake.

hey guys,
i'm really sorry i'm taking a mental health break. my mental health is awful atm and you can really tell my writing is going downhill. i want to give you guys the best content i don't want to fob you off with shitty chapters. i have about 6 chapters after this pre-written so i'm going to ration them to about one a week, so i can still post SOMETHING for yous.

a girl that went to my high school recently killed herself, because she was ruthlessly bullied by a group of girls. she was only twelve at the time. a reminder to be kind always, you never know the effect your words could have.

love you all.
please message me if you ever need to talk. don't suffer in silence.