addiction - draco malfoy

thirty five

'elizabeth'
'no, draco, let me talk'.
'okay' he paused 'actually no, let's not'. he leant down, putting his hand on the back of my head and kissing me again. i didn't even try to stop it this time, i just gave in. it was so different to the kiss with cedric. with cedric i felt completely lost, like my brain couldn't focus on anything but the kissing. but now, i could remember everything. i knew exactly what was going on, and i felt safe and warm and happy. i didn't need the blissful ignorance to keep me here, i wanted to be here. maybe that was the difference between a love charm and genuine love.

'draco' i broke away 'i'm sorry'.
'no, i'm sorry. i shouldn't have flipped like that. it was my fault'.
'i'll tell cedric, i'll end things with him. i promise'. he smiled. 'okay' he kissed me again, 'okay, thank you'. 

i grinned, breaking away from him properly and throwing myself down on his bed. 'so, what board game tonight? i fancy cluedo again but we've played it loads recently, you might be bored'.
'no cluedos fine' draco said, walking over to sit on the bed next to me 'but elizabeth i-'
'woah' i cut him off. i'd pulled the drawer open, and the entire stash of cocaine was gone. there had been several bags of it just last week, i know there had. 'draco, what happened? did someone steal it?'. i stood up, starting to walk across the room to check the bathroom. 'elizabeth wait' draco grabbed my hand 'just listen'.
'okay' i sat back on the bed next to him 'i'm listening'. he had a hair on his lip, and i reached across the move it away gently. he grabbed my hand as i did it, holding it against his cheek. 'i got rid of the drugs'.
'what?' i blinked 'why?'.
'because i,' he sighed 'i love you elizabeth. you're my best best friend. i love you as more than a friend too, but if you don't feel like that, that's fine. either way, i can't let you ruin your life anymore. not like this. i can't just provide you with the means to kill yourself'.

'draco' i said slowly 'you don't understand. it's the only thing that's keeping me in touch with the magic. i need it'.
'you think i don't know that?' draco snapped 'i read that file last week too. that's exactly what i'm worried about. i know what spirit is going to do to you if you keep using it. you need cut off from both, the spirit and the drugs'.
'that's not your choice to make'
'no, your right' draco raked a hand through his hair 'it's not. but it's my choice to stop supplying you with it now. i should never have gave you it in the first place'.
'but you have to' i felt like i was on the verge of tears now. i swallowed. 'draco please; you don't get it. i can keep it under control, i swear i can. i know i get a little bit obsessive at times but i can stop it. please. just trust me'.

'you're an addict elizabeth' draco looked up at me now, meeting my eyes for the first time since this conversation started, 'you need help'.
'i do not need fucking help, okay? i'm fine'. he looked at me apprehensively, clearly not believing me. 'i'm fine draco' i yelled, making him flinch.
'elizabeth you should go. i can't give you what you want'.
'fuck that draco. where are they? you must have hidden them somewhere' i screamed, tears streaming down my cheeks, standing up and starting to frantically pull open every draw in the room, rifling through them. 'elizabeth' draco shouted suddenly, making me stop in my tracks. 'stop it, they're not here. i flushed them down the toilet. they're gone, okay? i can't give you anything. i can't help you'.
'you did this' i snapped 'you started this draco. i was going to get clean. i was going to get clean for emma, you ruined it at that party. you got me addicted again. i'm off the rails because of you'. i jabbed my finger in his chest, gasping for air through my cries. draco looked like he was going to cry now, his eyes watery and his bottom lip wobbling.

'i know' he whispered 'i'm sorry'.
'give me them'
'elizabeth i can't. they're gone'.
'give me them draco'
'I CAN'T' he screamed and i jumped, taking a step back from him. i had never seen him this angry before, whether it was with me or himself i didn't know. 'fuck you then draco' i hissed, 'fuck you'. i turned, grabbing the packet of cigarettes and lighter off his bedside table.

i told you. he was out to get you from the start. he just admitted he wants to cut you off from your powers. the one thing that's keeping you safe. you should have listened to me.

i know.

my chin wobbled, and i fought the urge to cry as i climbed out of the second floor window, dropping down onto the roof below. i sank to the floor, lighting up one of the cigarettes and looking out across the school grounds below. it was deserted, everyone inside by now for curfew. i took a drag on the cigarette, watching the ash float away through the late autumn evening breeze and disappear in the darkness above.