You Get Me

18-Understand

*leahs pov*

Once they told me everything, I couldn't stand being in that room anymore. So I walked out and just waited in the car. About 20 minutes later, my mom came outside with a little baggie and a card. She got in the car and her eyes were a little puffy. She shouldn't even be the one crying right now.

She hands me the little paper bag and I just take it. I don't even care what's in it, then she hands me the little card, it's for rehab. I sigh and set it down.

I keep my head straight forward and pay no mind to anything except what I had just been told. I grip my wrist where the scar is. I feel like it's pounding right now. Like it's calling my name, telling me to take that chance again. 

I'm against it, but not completely. I feel trapped, like everything thing was a lie. Because it was.

I finally met someone for me. And they weren't even fucking real....

I feel so disappointed in myself. This is like my final sign that there's really no use in trying to get better, because I just can't.

I can't wait for my whole family to find out that I'm completely insane. I'm a 22 year old who had an imaginary friend. That's a great fucking way to look at me.

God, what kind of sister am I with Sarah looking up to someone like me. It's sad and disappointing. I wish I never found out honestly.

I wish we never got in that stupid fight. Then she would've never left and I could've just been happy in my own little world with my friend that nobody else can see.

Fuck, there I go again. I can't say she would've never left, because she was never even there. I keep talking about her like she's a real person. But she's not, and I can't seem to get that in my head.

Doesn't matter anyways, nothing goes right in my head. I'm so helpless and vulnerable. I know Sarah will do so much better in life than me. Or at least I hope she does. I would die if my baby sister ended up like me.

But I know she won't. I'm the way I am because of myself. It's no one else's fault. I fucked up on my own. And I can't change it. That's just that.

-

I feel paralyzed as I'm laying in my bed. I watch the ceiling fan slowly spin around and around. I blink and slowly open my eyes, letting the blurryness from my tears fade away until my eyes are fully open. I haven't done anything or talked to anyone in 2 days.

I'm still at my parents house, we came back here after my appointment, and I went in my room. I haven't come out since. And I don't plan on it.

I start to think about my house, and I remember how Jennifer made it feel like a home, instead of a building I just live in. I miss being there all alone, then she'd just show up. Like my fairy godmother or some shit.

But she never actually showed up in real life...just in my mind. Well I guess that explains why Andy never showed her attention. There was nothing to show attention to.

Oh shit, Andy. I haven't been there to feed him in 2 days. I sit up and rub my forehead. I get out of bed then I walk down the hall. I pass Sarah's room and see her sitting on her bed. Luckily she's not downstairs so I don't have to talk to her.

I walk downstairs and my mom is on the couch. "I'm leaving."  I say bluntly and grab my car keys off the counter. "You don't have to.." She says. "Well I want to." I shrug, being a bitch. "Did you look at what was in the bag I gave you?" She asks. "Nope." I shake my head. "It's medication. You need to take it, as well as your normal pills. All of this doesn't mean your off the hook to live however you want." She says and I roll my eyes.

"Yeah okay." I say and walk out the door. I drive home and get greeted by Andy at the door. I softly pet his head and walk over to the kitchen. Other than that, I pay him no mind. I feel like I can't focus on one thing for more than 10 seconds. The majority of my focus is on Jennifer.

I fill Andy's food bowl and he rushes to eat, he's probably really hungry. Once I get him settled, I go upstairs and do the exact same thing I was doing at my parents house.

Why does everything good in my life, eventually get ruined. I feel like I'm cursed sometimes. Like god looked at me and said 'Yeah, she should never be happy, only if she's hallucinating it.'.

I just wish I could start over, from the beginning. Right before I was born. So pure and innocent. Where did things go wrong?

All I've ever wanted was a normal life. But every single step and turn is the exact opposite of that. I think I need time, away from people, my family and social media. I just need to process, and get in touch with my own head.

I have to understand myself before I'll ever be able to understand someone else.

A/N

yeah i'm lowkey done with this book. i got to the point, and it made me saddd even though i already knew what was gonna happen because i'm really emotionall. basically i'm ready to finish this shit. sooo it's almost over👍🏼