Irreplaceable [h.s]

Chapter 11

It's not your fault I ruin everything
And it's not your fault I can't be what you need
Baby, angels like you can't fly down here with me
I'm everything they said I would be

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Harry POV

Here I am, once again writing down everything in my journal. Except this time, it's not in the one I'm most familiar with. Something I thought I'd never say is that it's all the way back in Oregon. It's been weird having to get used to this one and not being able to go back and read what I wrote years ago. Then again, it's probably a good thing that I can't. It's probably good because then I'd be reading what I wrote when I was with her and I was happy.

Fuck how I miss her.

I don't even know what to do with myself without her. You would of thought maybe after almost two months I would have figured it out but I haven't. I've been so lost this entire time. I'm still struggling a bit with getting anything down in here. I have so much I want and need to say I just don't know how. And I know its as easy as just saying it but for some reason, for me it isn't. I can't seem to be able to express or put into words my thoughts or feelings. I think I have too many at the moment, making my brain kind of spiral.

Spiraling is probably the best words to describe how I've been. After Leah sent me that message that said 'you know what, fuck you' I lost it. It hit me that she finally hates me and the thought of that made me lose my mind. It's all I've been able to think about.

I've been overthinking everything I should of done that I never did. Number one, leaving her the way I did. Number two being that I should of called her when I had the chance because now if I do, I don't even know if she'd pick up. And if I was her, I wouldn't blame her.

I ruined us. I ruined her. I ruined everything.

I hate sitting here feeling sorry for myself when it was all my fault. All of it. And a normal rational human being would just call and fix it but for some reason, every time I try, I can't. I'm so scared. I'm scared of the reality now that she hates me.

I'm scared to hear the pain in her voice that I know I caused. I'm scared of what she'd say to me. I'm scared of us finally being over. I know we are now but I still hold onto her. I like to think she does with me too but I don't think she does. Not anymore at least.

A part of me wants her to miss me and to still crave me in the middle of the night. But another part of me knows that's not fair to her. None of this is fair to her. Everything I did wasn't fair to her. So she doesn't deserve even more pain by sitting there, missing and craving me like I do her. I want her to be happy. It's all I've ever wanted for her and I feel so guilty that I took that away from her. God how it looked to beautiful on her.