Irreplaceable [h.s]

Chapter 18

I slowly look over at myself in the mirror, almost scared to see the girl in the reflection. The dimmed hotel bathroom light shines directly on my face, accentuating the marks and pores on my face. To say the least, this lighting isn't the best for self confidence when you're already feeling like shit. And the problem is, not only do I feel physically insecure today, emotionally I'm not feeling the greatest either.

I feel drained and exhausted.

I gaze over every feature on my face, overanalyzing ever scar and every bump. I look tired. I look just as drained as I feel. I couldn't even hide it if I wanted to. Being in this hotel room last night was more miserable than I thought it would be. It was so quiet and added on top of that, it was a place I have never been before. It doesn't feel like home, nor is it cozy at all.

At least at Aiden's, it was a cozy little room. I felt really comfortable in it and it definitely wasn't quiet there. Here, it's the opposite of both and it's horrible. And I think after being in hotels so much as a kid when we would move from one place to another, being at one again brings that back. And I think it's the being alone in one is what's really killing me. I hate the silence in this hotel room.

You would think with me living alone for awhile, I would be used to the silence and prefer it but I don't. After living with Harry and having him with me almost all the time, it's been extremely hard to go without it. I went from having his voice and his laugh around the apartment to having it be dead silent. I got accustomed to having someone with me, someone to keep me company so now, it hurts to go without it.

And I hate that. I hate missing or feeling like I need or want someone here. I hate not enjoying being alone when I used to so much. I used to love it. I was alone most of the time. I liked having my space and having nobody bothering me or nobody I had to entertain. I didn't have anyone making a mess. It was just me and that was okay for awhile.

Thing is though, I loved being alone but I hated feeling alone.

I loved having my time to myself but I hated feeling like I had nobody. I loved just focusing on myself and kind of disappearing for a day when I needed to but I hated feeling like nobody would care or be there when I needed them. I did that quite a bit. I would fall off the face of the earth for a day or two then come back like nothing ever happened. I would run away to breathe and have my space when I needed it the most.

And all I ever wanted was someone who could understand that and respect that. I never do it to hurt anyone or make anyone worry, I do it for myself and my mental health. But I know with Harry, I should of never done that. I should of never run away because in the end, I always realized he was the one I needed and wanted anyway.

With him, I needed to learn to be selfless. I had no idea how to. I had been alone my entire life so all I focused on was myself. When things got rough, I did what I had to do, not even thinking about what anyone else would think because I didn't have anyone else. Except Sage of course. But she understood why I did what I did and she knew I would come back around. I never had to worry about her hating me or being upset at me for it.