Irreplaceable [h.s]

Chapter 33

I'm still in love with Harry.

I've spent all of this time denying it and pushing it away, convincing myself that it wasn't true. I thought maybe I had gotten past that. That I was no longer so vulnerable to him. I thought we could be friends and I could control all of those urges until they would go away. I thought I could of put all of that behind us for the better.

I'm such an idiot. I should of known that it wouldn't be that easy. I should of known that what I was feeling wasn't something that would just disappear. I should of known that it would be near impossible falling out of love with him. I should of known with how it was when we were together, that if I were to ever fall out of love with him, it would be a very long time.

I should of known these things. I should of known these things because I knew what being in love with him felt like. Once it hit me last night as I laid my head on his shoulder, my legs over his thighs, everything before made sense. All of it. I thought I was only nervous around him before because things were awkward between us, but now I see that's not the only reason.

I was nervous because I knew there was a possibly of me letting him in and me finally confronting my feelings for him, the ones I've denied for two months. I wanted him to be near. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to feel his skin on mine all because I was still in love with him. I don't know how I didn't see it sooner. I don't know how I denied it for so long when it's so clear.

But now, this makes things complicated, which is exactly what I didn't want. It's why I wouldn't kiss him, even when every fiber in my body screamed at me to do so. That's why I just went along with what we were. Friends. All because I didn't want to make it complicated. Now with acknowledging my feelings for him, I don't know how to get past it. I don't know how to push it down like I would do with my urges.

Even when we first met and I was first falling in love with him, it was near impossible to ignore it once I had realized it. Once I had finally let myself believe it, it completely consumed over me. Now looking back, it was very clear and it actually amazes me that he was so shocked when I first said it.

I'm surprised he hasn't caught on now.

Unless he has, and he just hasn't brought it up. The first time I saw him here though, he asked me if my love for him was gone. He was clearly hurt, which makes me think he genuinely believes I no longer love him. Then again, I didn't really give him an answer. I just let him believe it.

I don't think I could of answered him even if I knew the answer. But at the time, I had no idea. All I knew is his question hurt. I didn't know if it was because I didn't love him or if it was because I did. I just felt that pain and immediately wanted to close myself off. I wanted to protect myself in the only way I knew how.

And now even with all of that, I still ended up here. It's actually almost funny that I'm going through this again. Everything hitting me all at once after denying it for so long. It kind of brings me back to the beginning and how all of this started.

Deja vu really came to bite me in my ass.

I saw Harry once today. I was just waking up and he came into the apartment, bags of groceries all up his forearms. I quickly jumped up off of the couch, nearly tripping over my own feet as I rushed over to help him. He only giggled at my stumble before he turned away and walked quicker to the counter, not allowing me to help him, insisting that he had it.

When I asked him why he wouldn't let me help him he told me that I was barely even able to walk properly. He really can be a dickhead and I forget it sometimes. An adorable dickhead, but still a dickhead. I then helped him put up all of the groceries he had gotten before he had went back to his room to get changed and take a shower.