Irreplaceable [h.s]

Chapter 21

I can barley fathom everything that happened last night.

When I woke up this morning, my eyes red and swollen from crying so much the night before, I thought over all of it. From me getting to Aiden's car to the way Harry's voice sounded when he said goodnight to me. It all almost felt like a dream. A very bad dream.

I wish Harry hadn't come. I wish the fight between him and Aiden never happened. And most of all, I wish we didn't get into the fight we did. I hate fighting with him. It makes my heart ache more than I could ever explain. I hate seeing him like that. Hurt so clear in his eyes and knowing that I'm the one that's caused it.

If he would of cried, I don't know what I would of done. I could barley handle seeing him like that. My first instinct when I see him like that, hurt and upset, is to comfort him. I can't do that with him though. Not anymore. I want to but my pride and the way things are right now gets in the way.

I can't hold him like I used to. I can't say the things I used to. I can't kiss him and help him forget about everything else in the world. And no matter how much I want to deep down, I'm way too prideful to ever let that show or admit it out loud.

In a way, I don't want to give him the satisfaction of thinking I'm still wrapped around his finger. I don't want what he did to get pushed under the rug like it never happened. He hurt me, more than he'll ever know and so I can't forget about it. At least not yet. Anytime I look at him, the first thing I remember is the sleepless nights alone in my apartment after he left.

I remember all of the tears I shed over him. I remember the anger and the physical pain in my heart for two months. Two entire months after he left. How is that something I can get over? I'm sure one day I'll heal from it but how long that will take scares me. I want to though. I want to heal and I want the awkward tension between us to be gone.

It doesn't feel right.

It doesn't feel right when I get so nervous when he's around, and not the kind of nervous I would get with him before. The feeling of my heart dropping into my stomach, knowing I'll have to look into those green eyes of his again. Knowing I'll have to hear his voice again, the voice of a man that would sing to me and tell me he loved me any chance he got.

I hate remembering those things. I hate when I look into his eyes, it's like I'm at the cafe, looking into them for the first time again. When I see his lips, I remember all of the times I kissed them and how it would always make butterflies erupt in my stomach. When I hear his voice, I remember how much it soothed me as we had our late night talks on my balcony.

When I see his hands, I remember just how perfectly his would fit in mine. When I see the rings on his fingers, I remember putting them on mine, just to see them slip off. When I see him smile and see his dimples appear, I remember how much I adored them and how occasionally I would poke them, just to see hear laugh.

I remember everything. Every laugh, every conversation, every argument, every date. I remember all of the mornings and nights with him by my side. I remember all of our drunk nights in, dancing in the kitchen to Fleetwood Mac. All of those memories are stained in my head. I could never get rid of them, no matter how much I want to.

So when I see him, after all of the pain passes, a feeling of yearning sets in. A feeling I wish I didn't feel. I long to touch him, to comfort him, to hold him, to kiss him. I think it would be more odd if I didn't feel that way after everything we've been through together.

After how much I loved him.

How could a small part of me not miss him after all this time? Even sitting in the car with him last night felt in a way, comforting. At first, it was awkward as we sat in silence, but after awhile, I enjoyed it. I hated the circumstances it was under but for a split moment, there was no pain. There was no arguing, there was no crying.