Irreplaceable [h.s]

Chapter 39

One week later.

Three days ago my Christmas presents for Harry finally got here.

You would think with all the decorations and lights around that I wouldn't be able to forget about Christmas but somehow I did.  I didn't remember until I saw the message come in saying that the gifts have been delivered. I had been so focused on everything that happened with Harry and I and trying to fix things with him.

This past week I have tried insistently to make things better with us. To help ease the tension between us that I felt like I was suffocating in every time we were around one another. To help bring back that smile that I had seen disappear from his face. He didn't have that same light in his eyes as he used to. I wanted to bring that back. I want to see him happy.

Yesterday though I felt like we had gotten somewhere. It was a very small step but it felt like a lot. It felt like something big and important. I was trying to create conversation with him as we sat on the couch together. It didn't feel as awkward as it had felt before but that slight tension lingered in the air between us and there is nothing I hate more than that. Especially tension with him.

And Harry being him, he caught on to what I was doing. He read straight through me and saw how I was just desperately trying to fix things between us. 'You know, conversation comes more naturally when you aren't forcing it.' I remember him telling me. All I remember is the feeling of my heart stopping in my chest at his blunt yet soft words, making my face fall flat in embarrassment.

To which, he saw and quickly added on and told me that as always with us, something would come up and we would be able to fill the awkward silence naturally and effortlessly. There would be no stress because then it wouldn't be forced. Even then, after everything I had done to hurt him, he made sure that I didn't take any offense whatsoever to his words.

In a way, he's so different yet the same. He feels so...distant. Even when I'm looking at him, only a few feet away from me, he feels like he's a thousand miles away. Like physically his body is here but his heart is locked away somewhere else far away. It feels like I'll never even get a  glimpse of it and without that, I can never be close to him. As a friend or more.

But I understand why he's keeping himself closed off and guarded. I understand it after what I did. I would do the same thing so It feels wrong to sit here and be upset about it when it's a normal way of coping with something like that. The way he looks at me is different, The way he talks and acts around me is different. It's very similar to how he was when we first met but I think it's actually worse now.

It's like he walks on eggshells around me, so cautious over anything he says or does, in fear that it'll upset me. I see him restrain himself from saying certain things even though I think he thinks I don't notice it. When I make a joke, I see him instinctively go to nudge me but he quickly stops himself, his face falling when he realizes he can't do that anymore.

I hate feeling how careful he is around me, like I'm something fragile that could just break any second. He knows I hate when people do that but I just think he struggles with figuring out what he can and can't do or what he even feels comfortable with. I get after what happened, he might not be comfortable being vulnerable with me and as much as that pains me, I can understand why he would feel that way if he does.

I still feel a heavy weight on my shoulders from that. The immense amount of guilt just lingering on me and no matter how much I try and rub it off, it never goes away. I haven't spoken to Aiden since it happened and I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that he hasn't reached out at all, which I don't know why he would but I thought maybe I would get one taunting message just to remind me of what happened between the two of us. To remind me of the tension between us.