Irreplaceable [h.s]

Chapter 24

We're not who we used to be.
We're not who we used to be.
We're just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me.
Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat.

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Harry POV

It's been a few days since I went over to Leah's.

I felt really good about it. It definitely could of gone worse and I'm really glad it went the way that it did. I felt helpless and desperate. This entire time I've been so arrogant and so stubborn when I could of tried to fix it from the beginning. I could of pulled my head out of my ass for two seconds but instead, I hid and ran away from all the problems.

I'm such an idiot.

I need to stop being so prideful and so selfish because in doing that, is how I'm going to lose her, and that's the last thing I want right now. I can't lose her entirely. I don't know what I'd do if I did. I thought after I stepped off of the plane that I did and it nearly killed me. I won't be able to watch her leave all because I keep making the same mistakes. For once, I need to get my shit together. Not only for me, but for her.

I don't like the way I am. I don't like the person I am. I used to though. When I was with her, I felt complete. I felt like I had a purpose in this fucked up and messy world. She was somebody that I wanted to live for. I wanted to wake up each morning to see her face beside me. I wanted to go on all kinds of adventures with her, things that I had never done before.

I wanted to lay in bed with her, not having to say anything, just enjoying each others company and the feeling of her skin on mine. I wanted to tease her for being stubborn and getting jealous even though she never admitted to it. I wanted many more mornings in the kitchen, swaying with her to music as we made breakfast. I wanted to feel that happy for the rest of my life. I didn't want to lose it.

I wanted to go to sleep next to her, knowing that  when I wake up, she'll be there. All of that, who she was, made me want to carry on. It gave me something worth fighting for when at times, nothing was quite enough. Times where fighting for myself wasn't enough. And for that, I'm eternally grateful.

I want all of that again. I want to truly fix things as much as I can. And even if we can never get back to how we are, I want to know that I tried. If I was going to lose her, I wanted to at least try. It's what she deserves. And god how she deserves so much better. I know that I might not ever be quite enough for her or what she deserves but she's enough for me.

She's everything to me. She's all I want.

I hate feeling this and knowing how bad I hurt her. I feel selfish. I feel selfish and arrogant for wanting things to be back how they were when I'm the one that fucked it all up. More than anything, I want to try and make it up to her. I want her to be happy and I want to do anything in my power to make that happen. No matter what it is.

I don't want to get in between her happiness. It's never been something I've wanted to do. Which is why, even with how hard it is to say, if she wants to be around Aiden and in some weird way he makes her happy, I won't get in between it. She is her own person and I won't control who she sees or who she hangs out with. Not anymore.

Even if it is Aiden, the person I hate most. Yes, it does bother me but it doesn't matter how I feel about it. And even though I might not trust Aiden, I trust Leah and that's all that matters. I know how strong she is so I know she won't put up with his bullshit. I actually hope she teaches him a lesson. Maybe she'll be able to teach him something Nick and I have never been able to do.