marriage trial \ j. jaehyun

xxviii.

| 09:21 am

+ aera.

days went by faster than expected until i realized its just a month away from jaehyun's wedding. within the past months, we didnt really had the chance to see each other again after my birthday. he has things to do and a wedding to prepare while i had work to focus on. it started to feel like im living the life i had before meeting him.

“aera!!” eyes shifting between the people around the place, i finally spotted the person who called me. i smiled the moment i saw her, approaching her table in quick strides, “sorry to keep you waiting..” muttering, i took a seat across her as she laughs lightly, “its fine. i didnt wait that long.” jess waves her hand in a dismissing manner before initiating a talk.

its actually heartwhelming and kinda funny, how jaehyun's family still invites me over to their houses and hangs out with me despite what happened. they're labeling me as a 'family's close friend' and not 'jaehyun's girlfriend' anymore since it'd be awkward. last week, i visited grandma at her house and baked pie together and today, jaehyun's cousin, jess, wants to hang out with me since its my day off.

“hey anyway, i want to tell you a secret..” jess suddenly blurted, the excited smile on her face says it is something important. she then pulled out an envelope out of her purse and slides it towards me. my eyes widens upon realizing what's inside it, “oh my god. is this for real?” she nodded excitedly as i mirror the smile on her face, “congratulations!!” i beamed, practically standing up to walk over her side to give her a tight hug. “i knew this since last week but i dont know how to tell my husband so technically, you're the first person to know.” parting from the hug, i pat her on the head, “aww really? i feel honored.”

we then decided to walk around at the nearest mall, jess immediately pulling me towards the section where they sell everything for babies. she's excited about her pregnancy. we both spent hours just gushing and planning what to buy for her nurturing baby. good thing we almost had the same taste on things so we just had fun on checking things. its too soon but its very exciting.

“jess?” we both turned our heads to the person who called her. “aera.. uh hey.” i smiled at her as jess was hesitant on what to act. “hey its nice seeing you again.” i greeted back and mira hesitantly nodded, probably confused over my actions, “yeah, its been a while.” 

“what are you doing..here?” mira asks, eyes shifting between jess and me. and then i realized that its kind of weird that we bumped into each other in this section of the mall, infants' section. “oh we just decided to look at babies' things out of the blue since i find them very cute.” jess interrupted, she probably wants to tell jaehyun about the pregnancy herself rather than letting him know through mira.

mira laughs at that, nodding as she agrees. “what are you doing here?” jess returns the question to mira and my eyes immediately dropped to her tummy, is she expecting a baby too?  “oh same reason as yours..” she dimisses the question quickly, looking awkward.

just then jess' phone rings and she excuses herself from us to take the call and the both of us was left there in an awkward air, “uh.. um.” mira was hesitant to talk to me which i found cute. letting out a light laugh, she looks at me curiously, “hey its okay. no need to be awkward.” i smiled warmly at her. its not fake because im letting him go this time. “its fine now..” mira nodded, realizing what i meant with that. “i didnt mean to.. im sorry.” she looks down and i had the urge to console her, reaching for her hand, i took it and squeeze it lightly, “no need. its all good now.” she slowly smiles at me, “we can be friends, right?” nodding at her question, i beamed at her, “of course.” finally, i can breathe without feeling sour because of her. “can i get an invitation to your wedding?” she gasps in shock but tries to nod nonetheless, “yeah. i'll.. i'll make sure to send one for you.”

never in my wildest daydreams did i imagined jaehyun to stand outside of my apartment after all that happened yet here he is, sober and in the right mind. his wedding is only in a week now so im utterly surprised by his sudden visit “can i help you?” jaehyun doesnt answer right away, still looking at me as i shift on my feet awkwardly. “oh uh.. are you here to get your things?” i inquire again upon realization that he left a couple of his things here and it must be the reason why he came over.

running inside, i quickly look for a paper bag to stuff his things inside. opening my cabinet, i start to look for any of his belongings. i successfully found four hoodies, two shirts and a cap that belongs to him, even a sweatpants that he intentionally left behind to have spare clothes whenever he sleeps over here, a pair of socks too. all the while, jaehyun is still quiet while looking at me as he stands in the doorway, just looking and following my movements. thrusting the paper bag to him, i muttered lowly, “here. you should've told me so that i could prepare it beforehand and you wouldnt have to wait.” he clutches the side of the paper bag and we walk towards the door again, leading him outside.

i was contemplating whether to slam the door shut on his face or wait for him to say something when he finally opens his mouth, “aera..um.” then he's stuck again, like he's having second thoughts. “its okay, jaehyun..” and that what it takes him to look at me in the eye intently, “its all good now. no need to be sorry and awkward.” he sighed and bites on his bottom lip.

“you're going to get married for real this time so our marriage trial is done now.” he blinked and nods in agreement, “like what we've agreed on before, im happy to have experienced a married life with you.” jaehyun remains standing there as if he's processing what i have said, “have a happy life, jaehyun.” he takes a step back before blurting out, “i hope i lived up to your expectation as a husband..” 

you're the highest standard to beat if ever there's someone after you..

quickly shaking that thought, i nodded at him, “yeah. you'd make a good husband..”

“was the time spent worth it?”

“its good while it lasted so yeah, i can say that it was worth the while..”

and with that, he smiles a dimpled smile at me before walking away.. never looking back. but unlike what i expected to happen, i didnt shed a tear this time. yes, it feels heavy but at the same time, i felt light.

i fell for him deeply so i cant say im completely over him, its just that i've accepted it now. there's a small part of me that would be dedicated for him, no matter how we ended up, even if we'd already have different lives and time would pass by, it would still remain because jaehyun's important to me. i've learn how to let him go to make a room for myself and realize that whatever i do, we wouldnt still end up together because he doesnt want me as much as i want him.

maybe we were destined to meet but not to be together and its okay. in such a short amount of time, it felt like we were meant to be, even if its all just a false hopeㅡ its still enough for me, more than enough.

i almost had him but he deserves the best, and that 'best' isnt me.

but, i can say that jaehyun will always be my favorite almost..

even if our story didnt end well, its still the best one i know.