2 (jaylor) ethereal daylight and golden epiphanies

chapter fourteen.

"I guess that I fell in love with a girl with... champagne problems." Patrick muttered. Joe's eyebrows knitted together, and he made eye contact with Taylor. She'd never heard that phrase used before, and was about to ask him what exactly he meant by that, when he started speaking again. "So now I'm here, and I'm never fucking going back."
He took a big gulp of the alcohol, until Joe took it off of him. "That's not going to make you feel better, Pat." Taylor was still thinking about what champagne problems could possibly be. Obviously the first thing that came to her mind was that she might be an alcoholic, but that really didn't seem right. Patrick wouldn't be that upset about something like that. "Trust me, Joe. I fucking need it. I'm never going home. I can never show my face back there ever again." Patrick reached for the drink, and Joe moved it further away.
"Patrick," Taylor said, still trying to understand what had happened. "What are champagne problems?"
"I don't even know," He snorted. "I don't fucking know." He shook his head. "I fucking loved her, you know? I was ready to commit and lay it all down. I had everything sorted. Everything." His voice was shaking, and Taylor moved to wrap her arms around him. "It was supposed to be a perfect night. It was going so well, she seemed really happy... she was laughing and smiling and I thought she was happy. I thought she was in love with me."
"What did you do?" Joe asked, and Patrick whipped his head around to face him.
"I didn't fucking do anything! What makes you think that it was-" Taylor cut off Patrick mid sentence.
"Come on, let's go and sit outside for a bit." She took his hand and guided him outside. It was dark enough that she wasn't worried about people seeing her, and the trees really had grown enough that she probably didn't need to worry about it. Joe stayed inside, clearly aware that he was making Patrick more angry.
She walked with Patrick to the grass, where she sat down with him. Today was one of those nights, it was one of those conversations that you want to have looking up at the sky. "You're going to have to help me get back up," Taylor warned him as she lay down. Patrick lay beside her, and she could still hear his quiet tears. "Tell me what happened. No judgement, remember? And if it's a hypothetical story, then that's okay too." She turned her head to face him, and took his hand. "Whatever happened, you can tell me."
"I knew this would happen," Patrick gave a cold laugh. "Well, first of all, I knew that seeing you would only make me cry harder - I was doing quite well until I got here, actually." Patrick sighed. "Now I seem to have fallen apart."
"So? You're here, with me. You're allowed to fall apart. It's not like I've never shattered in front of you," she nudged him. "So if you need to have a big cry about it, if you need anything, just... know that it's all one hundred percent okay to feel like this."
"It happened, and the only thing I wanted was to see you." Patrick told her. "Because I know that we have our laughs, and that a lot of our friendship is based off of how hilarious we both are... but I just knew that if anyone was going to understand it at all, it would be you. You seem to have an unprecedented ability to put yourself in other people's shoes. So I'm sorry that I just showed up here... but I just really fucking needed to see you." Patrick wiped away a tears, looking up at the sky. "I've never felt this way before. I remember that a girl broke up with me at the school dance when I was thirteen, and it felt like it was the end of the world. Fuck, I didn't even know what pain felt like back then. That girl was the first girl that I'd ever liked, my first kiss... I remember that I thought that it couldn't get any worse than that. And I know that's so stupid because I was thirteen, and I had no clue what love was." Patrick let out a shaky sigh. Taylor squeezed his hand. "And when I met Lauren, everything was different. I mean, she had her broken pieces, but fuck, we all have them, you know?" Taylor could hear the anger in his voice. "I loved her more than anything else. And I'm sure it was love. She... she never talked a lot about how she was feeling, or what was going on in her head... until last night."
She hated seeing Patrick this upset. "And the worst part of it all is the fact that I think, deep down I knew that she was going to say no, when I asked her. I think that I knew she wasn't ready but I just thought... I mean... we were in love, you know? She loved me. She'd tell me she loved me a billion times a day, and I'd say it back to her. Fuck, I don't even really know what I was thinking, I mean, I guess that maybe it would somehow make her feel better? She'd been so down the last few weeks... and I just thought that she'd want to spend the rest of her life with me. I thought that it might... I don't fucking know... help her to heal?" He paused, wiping away another tear. "Which is fucking stupid, I know."
"No. That's not stupid at all," Taylor told him softly.
"I just thought that maybe... maybe I was wrong. That maybe... just maybe... she'd say yes." He paused again, and let out a choking cry. "Fuck, Taylor. It was awful, and I can never, ever face them all ever again. I was just... and everyone was there, ready to celebrate and then... then she said no."
"Oh, Pat." Taylor draped an arm across his chest, hugging him to the best of her ability.
"They we're all standing there watching. Watching as I got down on one knee. Watching as I realised that the look on her face was panic and not excitement. Watched as she said 'I'm sorry' and then fled down the stairs. Watching as I froze. Watching as I couldn't fucking bring myself to move. Watching as I saw the love of my life leave the party that was supposed to be celebrating the start of the rest of our lives together. Nothing could ever compare to that pain." Patrick paused. "Look at me now, I've got my own fucking champagne problems."
Taylor didn't have any words to say. Her heart was breaking for him. "Patrick... I..."
"Champagne problems," he said as he turned to face her, "are problems like this... things that don't even compare to real world problems. Like global warming and... I don't know, war? When you look at them side by side, clearly the champagne problem is irrelevant and unimportant." He paused, taking a deep breath. "But that doesn't mean that they don't fucking hurt and shatter the person going through it."
Champagne problems. Taylor was glad that she finally was able to connect all of the dots.
"So Lauren... she had her own champagne problems?" Taylor asked quietly.
"Yeah, I guess she did."
"You can't be so mean to yourself." Taylor told him after a while of silence. "You couldn't control what happened."
"Why did I even ask her? If deep down I knew that she was going to say no... why the fuck did I ask her?" Patrick was crying again, and Taylor looked up at the sky, trying to come up with all the right words to say.
"Because you were in love," She said simply. "You were in love."
"I ran after her. She couldn't even give me a reason why she couldn't say it. And I know that I shouldn't feel mad... I know that she is allowed to say no. But I just... it feels like I'm never going to be okay, ever again." Joe sat up. "And I shouldn't be this mad. I shouldn't be angry at her for saying no. But I am. She didn't even give me a fucking reason why she couldn't marry me."
"You're allowed to be mad, you're allowed to feel like this, Pat." Taylor sat up, Patrick helping her to sit up properly. "Thanks. There's no words that are going to make this okay, Patrick. The truth is, I don't have any words to say."
"I can't go back, Taylor. I can't face everyone again. Not after that." Patrick finally looked at her. "I really loved her."
"Maybe she was going through something that she... didn't tell you about... maybe she had a reason but she didn't tell you?"
"No... no. It's over. I should have kept my head out of the clouds for long enough to know that she was going to say no. I mean, she was just too perfect, you know? Like, of course I don't deserve to have someone like her." Patrick sighed.
"No. Pat, that's not true. I won't hear you say that. Of course you deserve someone that's just as amazing as you." She pulled him into her. "You don't have to go back. You're welcome to stay here. You could... you could stay at my New York apartment if you wanted to... for a while. Until you figure out what you want to do."
"You'd really let me stay there?"
"Of course - if you need a break away from everything, you're welcome to stay. That way you get your own space and you don't have to watch Joe fussing over me all day." She gave him a smile. "I don't think you're stupid, Pat. I don't think that you had your head in the clouds. You were in love. And there's nothing stupid about that. I know that it hurts so much right now... I know that you feel like you're drowning in your champagne problems, but it's going to get better." Taylor murmured as he turned to look at her. "My life seems to have been filled with champagne problems... and they go away. You think that you're going to be stuck in that room... with all those people watching you for the rest of your life, but you won't. And I know that you won't want to hear this right now, but... but someone is going to come into your life and they're going to love all of your champagne problems. They're going to know that they want to spend every second of the rest of their life with you. It won't be a hard thing for them to say yes, and they won't have a single drop of doubt. And it's going to hurt, getting to that point. Because memories have a tendency to haunt us," she sighed. "But I want you to know, and I want you to believe that it's not your fault."
"But I shouldn't have asked her." Patrick looked at her, tears in his eyes. "It was my fault because I should have listened to the voice in my fucking head that told me that it was going to be a bad idea. I just thought that I might have been able to fix her. I wanted to help her... I wanted to help her, Taylor."
"I know you did, Pat. Maybe she wasn't ready to be fixed yet." Taylor wrapped an arm around him. "Maybe she doesn't even realise that there's parts of her that are broken." She took his hands in hers. "But it's not your fault that she said no. And you can't beat yourself up for asking her. This is one of those times where you have to be kind to yourself, Pat. Even if you feel like you don't deserve it. It won't always feel like this. It's not always going to hurt this much."
"After she'd told me that she couldn't give me a reason why she said no, why she left me stranded, I booked the first tickets I could get to come here. I just wanted to get as far away from that night as possible."
"And you're here now. And Joe and I are happy that you're here." Taylor started to fan herself. She was so hot. It was a warm night, and she sighed. She'd started feeling hot a lot more often, and she looked over at the pool. "I've got an idea. You have to help me up, though."
Patrick helped her up, brushing the tears away from his eyes. Joe was walking over to them, Taylor's phone in his hand.
"Folklore has gone straight to number one," he told her with a smile. She'd completely forgotten all about the fact that Folklore was being released tonight.
She smiled. "Do you want to come for a swim with us?" She asked Joe. Joe grinned.
"I'll never say no to that," Joe answered. "I'll go and get towels."
"And the alcohol?" Patrick asked, and Joe laughed.
"Nice try."