2 (jaylor) ethereal daylight and golden epiphanies

chapter twenty one.

"You're not the only one." The words brought tears to her eyes immediately. What did this woman mean? Taylor didn't even know what to say... what was there to say? "I'm really sorry to bother you, but I didn't think anyone else would understand it."
The words just all brought Taylor back, brought her back to those feelings, that fear that no one was going to believe her if she told them. Because she knew what that feeling was like, knew how scary it was when you felt like people wouldn't believe you.
"Of course," Taylor whispered softly. She moved to sit down on the floor beside Thea, desperately needing that support. "Of course."
"He told me, when we met, that none of it was true... that you'd just concocted the whole thing because he'd not given you credit for one of the songs you wrote. And he'd seemed so sure of it, so sure of the fact that he was a good man... and I believed it for a while." The woman's voice was shaking.
"What's your name?" Taylor asked, her heart breaking for this woman. She reached out and adjusted Thea's top so that it wasn't all bunched up, taking her little hand. Thea had started to hold onto her hand now, and it was the sweetest thing. Taylor needed that kind of thing to keep her grounded, to remind her that she wasn't living that life anymore.
"Violet." The woman murmured, and Taylor could hear the heartbreak in her voice. "I don't know what to do... he says that if I were to leave, that no one would believe me... that I'd be alone... that he'd take me to court. He says that it's because he loves me." The words made Taylor feel sick. She still remember him saying those words to her, too. "He says it's because I make him mad sometimes, and he... he promises that it won't happen again."
"But it always does," Taylor sighed, her chin wobbling. She just remembered all of these things too well. Some things just never leave you, no matter how much you move on.
"How did you leave?" Violet asked quietly, but Taylor heard a door slam in the background. "I'll call you back." She hung up quickly, and Taylor's eyes widened with the shock of what just happened. Her heart felt as if it were beating as fast as the speed of light. Adam was now with someone else? Doing to exact same thing to that he'd done to her, with his new 'lover'. What was he doing to her in this very moment? Was he slamming her against the wall and forcing her to have sex with him? Was he hurting her for being on the phone, because he was scared that she'd leave just like Taylor had done? Was he - she couldn't bring herself to think about all the things he was doing to her. Taylor had thought, all this time that it was her who had the problem, her who made him angry and that it was her fault they didn't work out. It hadn't occurred to her that perhaps he would just go and do the same thing to someone else, and that made her so fucking angry. It was bad enough that he'd done it to her in the first place, but the fact that he was now doing it to another person... that wasn't okay. Of course she realised that it wasn't okay that he'd done it to her in first place, but she also had less respect for herself than she did for others. Something that she'd been working on, but still struggled with. She couldn't believe that she hadn't thought of the fact that he might go and do this to other people, that he might hurt others the same way that she'd been hurt. It made her so angry. How could he do that?
She couldn't believe what she'd just heard. That this woman, that Violet was going through the exact same thing that she was... that Adam hadn't stopped. He was still the same, still as he had been with her.
She didn't let herself look away from Thea for a single moment, because she was worried that if she did, she'd explode. What was she supposed to do? She couldn't just wait for her to call back... what if Adam was doing something bad? What if he was - she didn't even want to finish that thought. Because there were too many things that he could be doing.
She sat on the floor, staring down at her daughter, feeling so much guilt. She should have done more to stop him, should have known that he couldn't just... fix himself. The thought made her feel sick. What if she was to blame for all of this? What if she could have done more, what if -
She just couldn't concentrate on anything other than the fact that she didn't do more.
She felt that darkness return, felt her arm begin to tingle as she resisted those thoughts that told her this was what she needed to do. She couldn't let herself do that. But it was her fault - it was all her fault. She'd let this happen, she'd let this woman get hurt... she'd let Adam get away with it all. If she had just... been better... she could have prevented this. She should have done more.
She felt a tear slip down her cheek, felt herself begin to crack again. She couldn't let herself slip like this, couldn't let that panic attack get her. She put her head in her hands. She couldn't fall apart. Taylor remembered that promise she'd made to Joe... promising to call if she needed him. She didn't want to call him. She didn't want to always call him whenever she got overwhelmed. She didn't want to ruin his time spent with his family. She didn't want to be so clingy, so needy. She had to deal with this on her own. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, with Thea starting to fuss. Taylor picked her up as she started to cry, and for some reason, this made her cry even more. She hated to see Thea upset.
"Shhh," she said soothingly, picking Thea up. "It's alright, my little petal." She kissed her head, eyes closed. "Sometimes it all gets a bit scary, doesn't it?" Taylor was sure that if she didn't have Thea with her right now, she would have hurt herself. She was sure that she would have tried to make the pain go away. But Thea was a reminder of the light that she shouldn't give up, the darkness she shouldn't give into. She just loved her so much. "But we'll be okay." Taylor smiled. She took Thea into the nursery to change her, softly humming to her. Her song Never Grow Up, playing in her head. Thea seemed to calm down slightly when she heard Taylor's soft humming. Taylor changed her, then sat in the rocking chair, Thea in her arms, still crying. She'd calmed down a bit now, and was against Taylor's chest. Taylor rocked smoothly backwards and forwards, and her gentle voice started to sing the words to the song. She realised how much more special it was because she was now looking down at her daughter, knowing that time was going to fly past. Knowing that she'd blink, and she wouldn't be a baby anymore. It scared her, how quickly she knew the time would fly past.
"Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter 'cause your dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favourite night light..." Singing this song to her daughter was something... out of this world. It was so beautiful. Thea had calmed down completely, and Taylor kept sitting in the chair, staring out the window, rocking backwards and forwards.
Thea was one of the lights of her life, and she felt so proud that she'd worked her way back from the brink of a panic attack, worked her way down from feeling like she was out of control.