A Love called Myra: Raj and Meera

Chapter 15

Meera

I couldn't believe what I had found out. Raj and I had sex. SEX! I cannot believe it! I don't even know how it happened. I was under the influence of alcohol. It was all too fast. Who knows what I said or what I did. The next few weeks Raj became even more engrossed at work. My heart was heavy. I think I'm over Ram now. He was too scared to be with me and tell me about everything. He ran away from circumstances and got married to Sita. I do not have feelings for him anymore.

Raj was acting like a stranger and was being way too polite. It was awkward feeling close to him even when he slept right beside me. He used to give me a hug every day before work but even that has stopped. I had to ask him what was going on. Shylaji and I were cleaning out the house for one of the upcoming festivals. Diwali was in another week. It's been a whole month since our big fiasco. I am still shocked. Two months into our wedding and we're still acting like more than strangers than when we had first met.

I asked Shylaji to do the kitchen cleaning today as I started cleaning our bedroom closet. I went through all our clothing to see what needed to be shelved or given away. I left the new stuff untouched. He had bought me a million sarees that I never wear! He tells me to go out shopping but I'd rather stay home and read a good book or volunteer which I do of course in a bit of disguise – I use my maiden name and no one but Shylaji, Raj, the director of each centre and I know about this arrangement which is perfectly fine with me. Actually, it was a foundation that Raj was partnered to. He had joined it because he loved the cause so much. The foundation brings food and clothing to the homeless who are on the streets. I worked mostly in the kitchens cooking or sorting through clothing. At the youth center, I teach classes from time to time and the children are absolutely wonderful.

Anyways, while I was cleaning I had found bags of stuff that were just sitting in the closet doing nothing but looking like a sack of things that don't belong in there. I saw the bag he had brought in about a month ago, the one filled with envelopes. I peek at the top and saw my name on a few envelopes. Turns out that they're all addressed to me! I couldn't believe it. Was Raj hiding my mail all this time? Why had he done that? How come I had so much? 

I began opening the 100s of envelopes that afternoon. Shylaji was leaving early today. I said goodbye to her before heading back to our bedroom to sort through my mail. There was some congratulations from people I didn't know. Then, the fourth envelope was opened. The words on that thing were so hurtful. It broke my heart. I could not believe how much hate was poured into it but I knew better than to cry over such a thing. I was called ugly and a man-stealer. A billion million disgusting words. There was more in other envelopes. I began to throw those away. I came up with a pretty big pile in another two hours. My mind was exhausted and I had only gone through half of the pile. I was going to lay back and relax but I noticed just one envelope tucked beneath my knee. It was addressed to me ... from Ram.

I bit my lips. I wasn't sure what to expect. How long had this letter been waiting to be opened? Maybe this can give me some answers. I slowly teared it open. I could hear his voice in this letter. "Dear Meera, I don't know how to say this so let me just cut to the chase. The other day when you talked about marriage, I had no clue that that's how you thought of me. I only think of you as a great friend. A best friend. I know we've had conversations about relationships and all. I thought that was what you expected from the guy who will make you happy. I didn't think I was that guy. I was going to help you find a guy that could give you everything you ever wanted. I didn't think you wanted to marry me and I don't want this to ruin our friendship. I'm sorry if I ever lead you on. Whenever you gave me a hug, I would feel like you were my greatest support as a friend.  Every time we went to places together, I thought that I was catching up on all the time I missed with you before I met you and bonding with you as my best friend. Please try to forgive me. I am sorry about this. It took me a while to write down my feelings. I didn't know how to say this to you so I'm putting it in a letter. I will be getting married to Sita in another few months. I was going to tell you about her that very same day. I know I had been extra happy that day and wanted to tell you but I did not know how to after you asked me about shaadi (marriage). Sita and I grew up together. When we were younger, we used to play with one another. I began to date her after we met up again about two years ago and I wanted to take it further. I was going to give you the first invitation but I haven't printed any yet. Please don't be angry at me. Also, I got the transfer I applied to and I will be moving soon. I will definitely miss you. Please tell me we're friends once you read this. I don't want to leave you like this. Will truly and always be your dost (friend), Ram."

The tears were running down my face. It was all a misunderstanding. Why hadn't I talked to him about the idea of me and him together? I scared him away but honestly he was so dumb to not come and say all this to my face. I wanted to punch him for that. I realized that it all happened for a reason. I'm finally with somebody I like and I know what everything means now. My relationship with Raj should be able to grow but I had so much fear to let it grow because of all my problems with Ram.I need to talk to Ram. I wasn't sure what to say yet. I think I should wait for a bit to calm down and talk to Raj about this.

 All the sorrows inside of me were leaving. My shoulders felt lighter. All those hating words I felt in the hate mail was coming down on me and I cried the most I've ever cried in my life. Silently and then screaming and then I was whimpering. I laid in bed, surrounded by the rest of the horrible mail and opened envelopes. I prayed to God thanking him for a friend in Ram and a husband in Raj. I'm happy that Ram found his love. I need to tell Raj about this. It's not right hiding it from him.

I went down to make some dinner before Raj got home. He'll be here in about half an hour. I had begun to fry something when my stomach turned inside out. I felt sick again. I don't think yesterday's food was too great. I should've just thrown it out. My stomach has been weak ever since my alcohol outburst. It didn't get as bad as it did today though. I vomited my lunch and as soon as I finish cleaning up, Raj walks in. I greeted him at the door and before he could walk past me, I asked him about the mailing system in the area. He asked "Why is there something wrong?" "I don't know, I haven't received my mail for the past two months and I think I already changed my address to your house, can you check it for me?" "Yeah, sure. Um, I got you something."

He pulls out a box of sweets. I can never resist the taste of Indian sweets. It's too good! I asked him what was up with the sweets. His serial was going to wrap up soon so the upcoming episodes are going to be big and they were going to start doing shooting at another setting soon which he said he'll explain to me later I guess before we watch our show tonight. I followed him upto our room and stood behind him as he froze at the entrance. I had purposefully left the mail on our bed. He turned and said – "So you know? Are you okay? I'm sorry, it's my fault. I should've warned you about all the hate mail." I stopped him before he could go on. I led him in by the hand. "Raj, I'm not worried about all that hate mail. I know I should get used to it. That's how people are. I just want to show you one thing."