beautifully broken

Chapter 13

I woke up my face stiff from the dried tears I made last night

I go take a shower and get ready into a white long sleeved shirt and black leggings. I never wore short sleeves unless I had a jacket or a hoodie. I didn't want to show my scars that littered my arms from elbow to wrist. They weren't something I was proud of, it was a sign of weakness.

I know I hurt luke yesterday. I know I did but I couldn't ruin things with mike even more than I already have

I took out the braid luke did yesterday leaving my hair with light curls, I did my eyeliner and mascara not bothering to cover the bruise

I randomly felt my chest tighten and a sick feeling came over my stomach but I tried to push it off. It progressively got worse and I knew what it was. Another panic attack.

Another uncomfortable wave hit me I felt like I was ready to throw up but I had nothing in my system to throw up

My hands began to shake making me panic even more trying so hard to get them to stop.

I ran downstairs falling onto my knees at the end of them

"Raya did you fall again?"

Tears ran down my face as I looked at ash, his eyes widen and he kneels beside me pulling me into his chest immediately comforting me.

"listen to my heartbeat alright. Count the beats one at a time. Breathe in and out slowly try and catch your breath"

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six...

"I know it seems impossible but it will pass soon"

"ash! The pancake is burning! I don't know how to cook!"

"Mike take it off I'm busy! Come here!"

"what?" he appears seeing my state.

"watch her. Pull her into your chest and put her ear to you chest so she can hear your heartbeat. Talk to her calmly." He explains quickly.

Ash runs off leaving me sobbing and shaking trying to desperately find my breath.

Mike does as instructed kneeling down and pulling me into his chest running his hands through my hair. Ash knew exactly what he was doing, slick bastard.

"it's okay Ray.. I got you.. I'm right here I promise"

I couldnt even focus on what he was saying

"count the beats just like Ash said. It will pass soon"

I felt it slowly passing and he didn't leave my side once whispering sweet nothings in my ear

"ill always protect you Ray"

Thats what did it for me. A small bit of hole shot through me. He stood up helping me up with him. I smiled at him as a thank you

He walked into the kitchen to 'help' ash again. I walked back to my room sitting infront of the mirror again

I stared at myself and felt the need to get my mind of things so I went to the roof above my window

I grabbed my cigarettes and my journal along with pencils and pens

I doodle for a bit while smoking before pulling out the picture I was drawing. The one I had been trying to finish for months. The one of Michael clifford..

It was so close to being done and I think I could get it finished by tonight

I put in my headphones and grabbed another cigarette waiting for it to alight before sucking it in feeling a wave of relief wash over me

Atelophobia
The fear of not being good enough.

I think there's always the fear of not being good enough for some you want to impress or be on the good side of. But for some, they try too hard and end up crashing and burning watching as it falls apart at their feet left completely hopeless and defeated. That's how I feel. We get so far and then it breaks again and I'm left at square one again.

I finally finished... It was done.

I smiled before someone knocked on my door I quickly jumped in my window to be met with Michael.

"why did you just climb in your window? And why do you smell like cigarettes?"

He walks closer to me and sniffs the air

"where have you been go smell like cigarettes?"

I shrugged my shoulders but he carried on

"calum hasn't smoked since last night- have you been smoking?!"

I immediately shake my head and he sighs before pointing at the cigarette pack poking out of my pocket

"give it to me" he demands while holding his hand out. I sigh beofre slapping them in his hand

"from now on you aren't smoking. Your 17 and your gonna ruin your lungs before you hit 18"

I'm 18 in not even a day...

Not like he would remember anyways.

"ok.. I really wanted to apologise for what I've done. Everything ive done. It's wrong but I was just mad at you. I know I shouldnt have been.."

"s-sorry isn't gonna fix everything Michael"

His eyes widen just like luke's did and he stares at me in shock

"I know.. But it will do for now"

"you didn't call. You didn't text. Nothing Michael. I wanted my bestfriend back! I wanted my brother but instead everytime I thought we were close to fixing it you trip me up... Why are you so selfish? Is this over sad still?" I scold him.

"you hurt me raya"

"did it ever occur to you you're hurting me much more?"

"N-no.. It didn't" he looks down, his feet becoming the most interesting thing to him.

"no because all you wanted was fame. You didn't care about me Michael"

"of course I care!!"

"then SHOW IT!!"

He stayed silent looking at me with a face I knew all too well. Hurt. He was hurting.

"show me it Michael.. Please just show me some kind of affection again.. That's all I want. After that you can go and leave for tour again but I just want to end on good terms with my brother. Is that too much to ask?" I was practically begging. I was on my knees begging for something from him.

"no.. Its not... And you shouldnt have to ask. I'm such an idiot.. I love you so much"

Thats all I wanted to hear from him..

He rushed to me and wraps me in his arms

"I've missed you so much my little ra ra.. I've missed hearing your voice... I really have" fuck..