A Plus In Love

*BREAK*

Thanksgiving morning Lily woke me up with a gentle shake. She was standing beside the bed. Once I focused from the sleep, I saw why she was awake. Her underwear were purple, but a black spot was clearly visible between her legs. She held out her hand to me, palm up. Her fingertips were tinted red. I got dressed quickly and helped her get changed. She seemed to be on some sort of autopilot. We quietly left and were silent on the way to the hospital.

We had to sit in the waiting room for a minute for them to prepare a room. She just looked down at the floor. Only reaching for my hand when they called her back. She let me undress her and tie the gown they wanted her to wear. She sat down on something that looked like a fucking dog piss pad. I sat by her head. I reached down to her belly and she tensed.

The Doctor and nurse came in, took her blood, hooked her up to machines, made her pee in a cup and then we waited. She never looked over at me, just held my hand. Half an hour later, she was bleeding, but everything was fine. Everything looked good. We had an appointment with an OB for Monday. We got her in the car and on our way home.

"What are you feeling right now?" She still didn't look at me, just straight ahead.

"Um I don't really know. A lot of things. scared, confused, chaotic. I'm mostly just worried about you." She kind of half laughed and smiled. She squeezed my hand.

"You, my dear Husband. This is the nature of a relationship after doubt. You honestly asked my forgiveness and I honestly gave it. But the doubt left behind from the actions has only spread into my mind like a poison, thick in the veins." She turned to look at me, eyes full of tears. "my mind is so full of doubt. I wondered if you'd even care." She laid her hand over her belly.

"Oh Lily, Of course I care. I thought you.... I made the worst mistake of my life. Nothing has changed about how I feel for you. I love you more. I want you always." She smiled at me and nodded but the rest of the day she was just a shadow of herself. I check on her often, and we went to bed early. I felt a warm gush of liquid on my thigh. It pulled me out of my sleep. Or maybe her nails in hip did.

"It hurts, Giles." She was balled up. "Somethings wrong." I scooped her up. She didn't say anything, just clung to me. That scared me, she was really worried. I ran us to my car and we were on the road two seconds later. She balled up in the seat and laid her head in my lap. I left my car at the entrance of the hospital and walked her in. She laid on her side on a crappy bed, the back of her fingers caressing the material of my shorts.

More blood, more measurements, more questions, more waiting. Then she had to have an old as hell lady look up her vag, I was not allowed. She was bawling when she came back. The old crow looked like she just wanted to get it over with. I took Lily in my arms and we sat on the bed. Leather face looked at the char in her hand.

"We've got the results back and after the examination, I'm certain. The body is expelling the embryo. Someone will be in shortly." Lily curled into me. I felt her fingers in my hair and pulling at my shirt. Her face was getting warmer on my chest

"I don't know why.." She pushed her face into me. " Is there something wrong with me? Why is my body doing this?" Her voice was steady and hollow, but I could feel my shirt getting wet. I held her closer.

"This is not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you. I don't know why this is happening to us." As short of a time it had been, and as fucked up as I was about it. I did have moments where I thought about a baby with Lily. A sweet little black haired girl. She would nap on my chest. She would be beautiful like her mother. I would be happy.

"I feel like I'm just a failure in the most basic ways possible." She sat up, separating from me. " I mean, I can't even stay pregnant. I don't have to do anything at all. My body is supposed to just do it automatically. But not for me. No little baby that smells like fresh powder and smiles every time they see you. No sweet noises or cuddles." She laid back down on my chest and did say anything else for three days.