A Plus In Love

*GOOBYE*FAREWELL*AMEN*

Walking down the aisle of the funeral home with Lily to see her Brother’s body in the rented casket was a surreal experience. I didn’t even know you could rent a casket, and I sure as hell didn’t expect it to cost a thousand dollars. I sat with Lily and her death grip on my knee just a few days earlier in the office of the funeral director planning this all out.  I never would have imagined death being so expensive, and in my opinion, a complete and total rip off.  Highway robbery. Taking advantage of people in a most vulnerable state. 

We stood side by side as she down at him. The first day she couldn’t even go into the viewing room. Just like at the hospital the sight of her only sibling like that was too much to bear and she needed some time. I stood with her in the hall as she eased herself into it. I met his fiance. He had been clean and sober for four years and got his life together.  They were planning a beautiful life together. But unfortunately, things do always go according to plan.  Lily’s sniffles brought me back.  I rubbed her back as she reached out and lightly touched his hand. 

Then she turned into me, and I felt her tears seep through my shirt. I held her tight and kissed the top of her head. I guided her back to the small room to the side of the chapel where the rest of her family was waiting for the service to start.  Ruby climbed up in Lily’s lap as soon as she sat down in one of the large arm chairs.  She was at the pre teen stage where she was all arms and legs, but Lilly tucked her right in. They didn’t speak to each other, just rocked and played with the ends of each other’s hair. 

“Giles’s '' Lily's fathers voice startled me. He held his hand out for a shake. “I know it’s been kinda hectic for the past few days, but I just wanted to thank you for bringing Lily.  You were a Godsend.” He looked hollow and pale, but I’m sure losing a child, at any age, will do that to you. 

“Of course, Lily will always be important to me. I’m just glad I could help out when you guys really needed it.” Lily’s mom came in then. I expected her to be worse, but she was okay. She gave me a hug, with an extra tight squeeze. 

“Thank you, Giles, for being there for Lily when I couldn't.” Her eyes were welling up and she pressed her lips together. 

“Of course.” Someone said her name and she smiled softly before moving away. I sat down in the chair next to Ruby and Lily until time came for the service. I walked in with Lily and sat beside her. She cried as pictures of her brother flashed across a screen, and I pulled her tight to me.  The longer the service went, the more she melted into me.  When it was over, and people came by to offer condolences, I felt cold without her. 

“I’m ready to go.” There were still people milling around, but her eyes were swollen. I guided her through the funeral home and out to the parking lot. “I really just want to lay down, but everyone is going back to my parents for lunch. Some paid for catering I guess.” In the car she laid her head on my shoulder. 

“We can always eat real quick and go back to my house for a nap.” I felt her nodding her head. 

“Am I supposed to be feeling something right now? I keep thinking, I should be overwhelmed with sadness or anger. I mean, He wasn’t even forty years old. He just got his life together. “ She paused for a moment. “We were supposed to have our Golden years together.” Another long pause. “But I’m just ... .there’s  nothing. Numb. Should I be feeling something?” She wasn’t talking to me. 

“Babe, whatever you are, is exactly what you’re supposed to be.” We parked and walked into her parents house. It made me feel like a teenager again. I took off my suit jacket and tie, popping a couple of buttons open to breathe. Lily took the jacket and tie to hang in the hall closet. The doorbell rang and she yelled for me to get it. When I opened the door the last person I expected to see stood almost toe to toe with me. 

“Jackson”  Lily rounded the corner. 

“Who is it, Giles?” I opened the door all the way. Lily started. She whispered his name. ‘Johnny’ Before either of us knew what was happening she run through the door and decked him right in the nose. 

“Who the fuck do you think you are coming back here after all this time?” As if on cue for a movie, Lily’s parents pulled in. Johnny got himself up, blood was leaking from his nose. Ruby bounced up to Johnny, happy as a lark. 

“Oh No!” Lily reached for Ruby to pull her inside, but Ruby moved away. Lily’s eyes bugged out. 

“Ruby inside” Lily's voice changed, to an almost scary tone. 

“What is going on? Giles, did you hit Johnny?” Lily’s father looked sternly at me. Lily cut me off. 

“NO, I did.” She turned her attention to Johnny. “Why are you here?” Lily’s mom finally decided to join the conversation, or any conversation since we arrived. 

“He’s been coming to see Ruby regularly for five years. Now, lets all go inside inside instead of having this dramatic scene on the front porch.” Once we were all inside, silence fell and Lily stomped up the stairs.  I started, but Johnny put his hand out. 

“Let me….I need to explain things.” Everything inside of me screamed no, but I nodded and watched him go after her.  The caters arrived and I helped unload the containers along with Lily’s father and we were alone in the kitchen. 

“He’s no threat to you.” I must have looked confused. “Johnny, I mean. I see the way she looks at you. They way she looked at you in high school.” He laughs “I remember how she used to go on and on about you when she was a freshman. She’d have sleepover’s with her friends and they’d talk about boys. Her friends always had different names to giggle about. But not Lily, it was always, Giles’ St. Clair.” He said with an airy voice. “There’s only ever been you.” 

He left me alone with my thoughts as other guests started to arrive. He was right, there was only ever Lily and I. Nothing else was ever serious, ever real. I had been such a dumb ass kid. If only I could have seen it back then where would we be now? Would we  be married already? I watch the kids play in the backyard.  They are all ages, and none of them seem affected by today's events. What I wouldn’t give for just  a tiny bit of that carefree security right now.  

“Hey” Lily’s voice startles me. He holds me from behind. her hands resting on my stomach. “Let’s get some food and go. I don’t really have it in me to stay and chat.” With containers of food in hand we drove the minute and half to my house. Sitting on the couch watching Bob’s burgers eating chicken alfredo out of a tupperware container, I can’t help myself. 

“So what did Jackson have to say?” She didn’t look away from Tina, Gene and Louise trying to cook a lobster with a toaster, waffle iron and hair dryer. 

“He wanted to explain himself. Said he was scared they were going to put him in jail.  He got a job working as a mechanic at a mom and pop garage,  who he lived with, then came back to my parents to see Ruby. He didn’t want them to tell me, because he wanted to. However,I never came home.  I told him they invent cell phones for a reason.  Doesn’t matter really, as long as Ruby is happy.”  I nodded. 

“You wanna take a nap” She looked exhausted. I got up and led her to the bedroom, pulling the blankets back. We’d been sleeping in the same bed for four nights. The first night we tried sleeping apart, but she scared the shit  of me, standing beside the bed in the middle of the night, crying. She curled into my chest, her scent soft and relaxing. It was quite except for the sound of our breathing for long enough for me to be on the verge of sleep.  “Giles”

“Hmm” 

“I love you.” 

“I love you, too”