A Plus In Love

*Some Time Later*

*SOME TIME LATER*

The window outside my new therapist office overlooked a garden. I could see large koi fish in the pond. It had been unusually hot the past few months. Watching the fish made me want to go swimming soon. 

“Hello Lily. It’s good to see you again.” Dr. Sparrow came in from her private office, her leather notebook in hand. “You are looking very well, have you settled into your apartment?”  I smiled up at her as she sat across from me. 

“I actually took the last of the boxes out this morning. I never imagined moving would be so tiresome.” Exhausting was the word, you consider just living out of cardboard more times than you care to admit. 

“And how are you adjusting to living alone?” She was good at keeping her face neutral. Her eyes shifted only slightly when I said something that stirred her.  I took a deep breath, not really ready. 

“It’s still difficult. I leave the t.v. on all the time. I’m still sleeping on the couch. I have started napping in the bedroom though.  When my parents came to visit last weekend, they brought me a cat. Ruby wanted a cat from the  shelter and it had siblings. Ruby didn’t want me to be alone.” Sweet little Ruby, a mix of full happiness and sadness swirled in my chest. 

“How did you do with Ruby? Did you have any feelings of inadequacy after seeing her this time?” I shook my head. No. That is gone now. “No, I’m happy to see Ruby. I enjoy spending time with her as my little sister now.” I took a moment before continuing. “ It’s just the lingering…feelings about Johnny. I wish I knew where he was, if he was ok.” Dr. Sparrow tapped her pen on her knee. 

“What were you going to say there, when you paused.” She raised her eyebrow at me. I scrunched my nose up at her, she was too good at her job.  “I can only help you through this, you have to do the hard work.” Her large red framed glasses caught the sunlight light, glowing. 

“Guilt.” She nodded and wrote something in her journal.  

“It’s ok to feel whatever you are feeling, you just have to be honest.” She took a few more moments to write. “Have you spoken to Giles?” Just his name still makes my chest tighten a little bit. 

“Sort of. He wrote me back. He wants me to come to his Graduation. He wants to live somewhere in New England, says he thinks I’ll love it there.” 

“Your face changed.” How could it not. “Tell me about how you felt reading Gile’s letter.” Her eyes were sharply focused on me. 

“I feel all kinds of things.  He wants us to get back together, he wants me to come live with him. Then in the next sentence he says he thinks we are doing the right thing, we both need the time. He’s just as confused and lost as I am when it comes to our relationship.” I laced my fingers together and squeezed as tight as I could. “It’s been so long and  I’ve moved forward in every part of my life expect, him.” 

Dr. Sparrow poured a glass of water from the pitcher beside her chair and offered it to me. The cold water spread through my chest with a calming effect. Talking about Giles always worked me up, even if I didn’t notice. 

“Is he still dating Helena?” I shook my head. 

“It’s Birdie or Goldie or something like that now.  It hasn't been serious since me.” I had been awakened on more than one occasion to an emotion filled message from the flavor of the month. I knew that he wasn’t leading them on.  Girls just can’t resist trying to fix a broken boy. “I wish he would though, I feel  like the only thing holding him to me is the tragedy.”  Before she could respond the red light started to blink. The red light meant an emergency.