A Plus In Love

*DOMESTIC PARTNERS*

I was in a private facility connected to a privately owned hospital. Several doctors owned the property, buildings and ran the programs. I didn’t even know that places like this existed until I was checked in.  I had my own room and bathroom. My bathtub was a white bowl in the back of the room with a large shower head in the middle. No curtin, hmm. It was kinda like staying in a nice hotel, but with a strict schedule, odd rules and you can’t leave. 

    The most unexpected thing for me was being  watched. By male and female nursing staff. Everything you do is recorded. In fifteen minute interval, someone has their eyes on you.  This is to make sure you don’t die in case you do try to kill yourself. I rubbed the bottom of my nose with a finger in our first “Getting to Know You” meeting. One of the  male nurse came around with hand sanitizer for everyone. “Somebody didn’t wash their hands after picking their nose” Everyone got sanitized. 

    They tried to dress it up in a nice facade but this was just a good ole madhouse. I never dreamed in a million years I’d be here. Or that I’d lose a baby. We had group. You could choose to participate. You could  choose to speak. Spoiler, if you didn’t choose to participate, your were staying. I listened to my fellow patients and cried a lot. One was homeless but a church had paid for them to be here. Their family had kicked them out because of who they chose to love. Another was going through a divorce after taking care of the spouses dying family.  

    I felt so shitty for being there, like I had it so much better than they did. Most of them had really been through it. Several  had been here or other places multiple times. We watched movies together in the evenings and talked the nurses into giving out extra snacks.  I saw my parents with my doctor everyday. My meds were adjusted and a new one was added. About two weeks in visitation was about to start. I was expecting my mom or dad, but someone else came through the door. 

    “Johnny?” I was so confused. My father followed behind. 

    “Look who I found in the courtyard.” I hugged Johnny and he held me tight. It felt good and something inside of me relaxed for the first time since I lost my little one. I wanted to cry but I swallowed it down before pulling away 

    “How did you? Why are..” My mind went to the worst place possible.”Is she?” 

    “No, she is still fighting. But she has been admitted to the ICU here.”  We walked over to the sitting area and Johnny sat next to me. “She’s not doing well. She has stopped responding to treatment, so..” The tears well-up in his eyes and he laid his head on my shoulder. My dad got up and I’m not sure where he went. “I don’t know what's going to happen to me and Ruby. The house isn’t paid for, Mom isn’t coming home…” He broke down and I shifted so I could hold him. 

    “Sshhh, you always have me and my family. I may be crazy now, but it’s the good kind of crazy. Like don’t get me wrong it’s still going to have it’s dark and twisted, pits of hell days, but most of the time it’s not. Most of the time it’s, let’s make a fairy fort in the living room and watch Disney movies. Let’s rent a bounce house for the weekend.” He chuckled and sighed. Good. “ I’m making real progress here. I used to think trauma was like an accident or war. Even with my brother I didn’t think I...” I began to stroke his hair. “We’ve both been traumatized, Johnny.” 

    We were quite for a moment, until my dad came back. Johnny sat up. I squeezed his hand to let him know it was ok. The weight of a parent passing, no one else but a baby to call family. The thoughts that must be racing through his brain.”How is Ruby?”  

    “Your mother is actually watching Ruby right now. Laura is sleeping. Johnny and Ruby are going to stay with us at the rental.” I was surprised. My parents always liked Johnny but taking in a baby? “Can’t have them trying to stay in that awful hospital room.”