NOTE: Currently switching his book from 1st POV to 3rd POV. There'll definitely be some inconsistencies, especially as half of the chapter are edited and the other half not (essentially being my old writing style from late 2020 - early 2021).
The Fi...
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❝ success is not final; failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts. ❞
Chapter 17 - An Attempt at a Rebound Which Falls Painfully Short
Monday, Afternoon
Russia
The room felt claustrophobic, a harsh contrast to the solace that I normally knew from the small room. I sat there staring out the window from my desk. It wasn't an especially good chair or desk, but it worked. A soft glow illuminated the whole room, a present color to be sure, but I couldn't enjoy it. Oddly enough it seemed to urge me to relax and take my mind off of things, but I can't do that can I? That wasn't what I continued to concentrate on anyways, if I could even focus that is.
To be completely truthful, I could barely think. Nothing would process, no matter how hard I tried. Why? It was the only question that lingered within my thoughts. I felt as though I was slipping away from reality, sinking into my thoughts. Out of habit I grabbed a cigarette and opened my window. Lighting the end I took a quick inhale and relaxed a bit, making me feel just better. In the back of my head, I knew I was just avoiding my problems again, but I wouldn't be able to do anything anyways. Everything ate away at me, and for once I truly felt cold. Not the chilly feeling, the cold ache. The kind that slowly ate away at you while your body shivered only ever so slightly yet so relentlessly. As if though you were only briefly comfortable before the cold came creeping back. Taking in another breath I watched as the smoke playfully billowed away into the afternoon sky. Despite so much happening, it was only the afternoon. Grey and white wisps blended into the light blue and yellow.
Quietly my room door creaked open. Ukraine stepped in and closed it behind her, then turned to face me. "Hi." I turned around to face her and took the cigarette away from my mouth. "Hey." Swiveling the chair around, I placed my forearms on the armrests. Almost cautiously she took a seat on my bed and simply look at me with a pained expression. "You know that isn't good for you." Briefly, I smiled before taking a seat next to her, snuffing out the still-lit tobacco on the way. "I know that, it's just a hard habit to break." Gently I bumped her with my elbow. "At least I'm not blackout drunk on the floor right now." She couldn't help but suppress a chuckle. "I guess. Still..." her gaze became dark and she turned to look me in the eyes, "you need to explain what I saw."
Taking a deep breath I tried my best to sum up what had happened. Cautiously I skimmed over why I had an emotional breakdown, knowing she would ask if I hadn't specified why. However, explaining that NK had seen me was the hardest thing to tell. Taking a smoke had helped, but talking to Ukraine about such sensitive things was nerve-wracking nonetheless. Overall she was grounded and knew how to keep her calm, but sometimes she just couldn't stay grounded. I just didn't want to get caught in her wrath. As I finished she softly looked away from me, as though she couldn't face me, or what I said. "I'll talk to you later." She quietly slipped out of the room, as if she had never been there in the first place.
After a moment of consideration, I chose to resume what I had been doing previously, lighting a new cigarette. Maybe I can unwind, just during this last quiet moment I have.
America
I didn't want to get out of bed.
Not in the sense you want more sleep though.
It was the kind where you just couldn't see the point of getting up, a reason to get out of bed. The kind where you just wanted to go back to sleep and dream forever. That way all of your worries would be gone, and you'd be happy. This feeling was all too familiar, and yet now it felt overwhelming. I felt lost, drowning in this hopeless feeling. My passion and effort to do anything vanished, and all I could think about was how hopeless the current situation was. And so, there I laid, listening as the clock ticked. Where my energy went I have no clue, but it would be gone for a while. Of course it wasn't healthy to stay in bed all day, but my mind was already way more of a wreck. Before this, despite my sleep deprived state I still felt fine, but now I could feel it catch up to me, dragging me down. Sinking deeper and deeper.
I looked aside to see my phone still face down on my bed, and turned it on. The screen lit up showing multiple notifications from discord, but I didn't bother. I didn't even consider posting about my state on Twitter. In that moment, I wanted to disappear. To revert to stardust and leave everything behind. Or maybe I could become a wild animal, free and adventurous. Either way, I didn't want to be here, not now. This feeling was never enough to bring me to hurt myself, or even end my own life. That'd be selfish anyways, people have it worse and I'm just complaining for dumb reasons. My life is perfect compared to some people's... what right do I have? To just lay here in bed doing nothing as well... to even have the right to do nothing. I felt selfish. Secretly, my mind craved the attention of people, though not like it was right now. I just craved to have a happy moment and to talk to someone, normally. But there wasn't any chance of that now, I had to accept that. Dragging the covers over my head, I tried to put my mind at ease and go to bed.
ʚ ɞ
hhhhiiiii I totally want projecting onto ame
anyways I feel like shit and wasn't sure how to add but I left y'all for like a week and felt even shittier so here u go <33
I'm aware my mental health has progressively gotten worse as the protags have as well 😎
