The Finch Curse

chapter 18

❝ act as if what you do makes a difference. it does. ❞

Chapter 18 - Facing the Aftermath (and Attempting to Move Forward)

Monday, Afternoon

America

     A gentle nudge woke me up from my nap. "Hey America... it's time for dinner." By the politeness and his voice, I knew it was Canada. "You can go eat, I'll be down in a bit." He glanced at the clock quickly before nodding. "Just so you know, it's already 6 pm." "Thanks." I watched as he quickly left my room, closing it behind himself. Napping definitely helped, but honestly I still feel like shit. Let's just hope they don't ask about school today because I'm definitely not in the mood. The sky was bright shades of red and orange, a surprisingly early and pretty sunset. My head pounded, making it impossible to keep a steady train if thought. Internally, I thanked Canada for keeping the lights off, knowing that the bright light wouldn't help with my headache.

      I took a glance around my room, my focus hardly on the surroundings around me. My eyes saw my room, however internally I took it in as my psychological room. Everything felt dark, dingy, and cramped. It felt crowded with thoughts and stress, and only so little hope streamed through the windows and glowed from a small lamp. Some hope and joy existed of course, but was stifled in my otherwise cold and unwelcoming room. Mirrors in the room seemed to reflect me, but I looked horrible, each showing a horrible aspect of mine. I could hardly look at anything, each reminding me of how bad I was. The room didn't look any different than it did normally, but it felt that way.

Russia

      I stared out the window unsure of what to think. One part of me wanted to throw a tantrum, run back to the cabin and punch the wall. It was the most tempting option, something much easier than actually facing my problems, or talking to someone. Truthfully, I wanted to be able to talk to my siblings about what happened, or at least talk to someone about my emotions. I knew I couldn't do that though, as if one of them would give me a chance. In the end I couldn't blame them though, what I did to them, what I did to her could never be forgiven. Their tolerance of me was much too kind already.

      I wish they would forgive me though.

      I had no right to ask for their kindness, let alone forgiveness, but I wanted to be happy with them. I wanted to be comfortable around them just once, to actually be able to talk to them without worrying that they'd turn their back on me, or I'd turn my back on them. I hated being seen as just the USSR reincarnate, unforgiving for my father's sins. Why could others be forgiven, but I couldn't? People forgave Germany, Japan, Italy, everyone but me. Maybe that's because I just am him though. That's my curse, right? To forever just become my father again.

       The outside seemed so much more peaceful... simple almost. Clouds aimlessly drifted without a care, and squirrels scampered through piles of leaves as through they were frolicking. Likely there was a deer simply grazing the grass in someone's yard, and fall leaves danced through the wind wherever. Sometimes I wondered what my life would be like right now, if father was still around. Would I even know of this calm and peaceful weather? Would I know what it's like to simply be a kid? It was true that I was nearing adulthood, but I still could embrace this childish aspect of myself for a few more years.

      Maybe I would still be living the military life with my father. Isolated from the world, not knowing of comfort or compassion.

      He had been kinder once. A part of me longed for that of him, despite how he was, how he treated us. I thought he could change, just maybe. Maybe I was naïve to think that.

      The more I considered, the more I felt conflicted. It would be so easy if emotions were just a math equation, a simple thing to be solved. I could solve problems, one way another, but not this. There was no solution to my problem. I was alone and helpless, with no one to turn to, other than Ame. But he already had his problems, and if anything I should have apologized to him for getting him wrapped up in this mess. If I just hadn't talked to him, maybe things wouldn't have turned out this way. No blame laid upon him, just me.

      Emotions and thoughts swirled in my head, conflicting feelings clashed with bad and good memories. To put it into words was all to much. My body seemed to know a better answer, and so I followed. It had been a long time since I had properly danced, but idi nahui, why not. Not like I'll find a better time to anyways.

      I began with practicing the basic arm and feet positions, then switched to practicing basic movements. Every once in a while something would pop, reminding me how inflexible and out of shape I was. It wasn't like I was physically fit, in fact I possibly could be described as fitter than the average person, but certain muscles had lacked practice and strained under the constant twisting and bending. Plie, étendre, releve, glisse, saute, élance, tourne. This style wasn't common amongst Russian ballet, more specifically used by the Italian and Royal (English) Ballets, but these steps still were fairly key in any style of ballet, and were a good warm-up as well. I could practice the Vaganova method when I was fully warmed up anyways.

      Ballet would be a sudden and nostalgic turn for the day, but it was fun, so who could judge?

ʚ ɞ

hi im back after,, forever

i havent had good days to write recently, my apologies ^^;i wanna write, and i have ideas, im just not sure how to put them into words, which is why this chapter is so short. i really wasnt sure how to write ame's part, and i only had a spark of inspiration on the buss for russ's part on friday. im sorry if the wait is long, i really just cant seem to get into the mood to write when i have ideas, and im so sorryive just been way more active on disc as well,,,

edit: i decided to rewrite most of, if not all of russia's part bc OUT OF CHAARCTER and overall gross so yeah, ill write more chapter actually later im sorry </3

this is past due, but take haha funny

satan condones my work 👍

have a good day u guys <33 /p

march 28, 2021