The Finch Curse

chapter 20

❝ you are enough just as you are. ❞

Chapter 20 - Oh No, He's Hot (That's the Cue for Crisis)

Monday: Evening

America

      By some miracle, I had managed to keep my cool earlier, but I could tell now that I was completely flustered. My back was on fire, and the tips of my ears almost hurt. There was no need to look in a mirror, I just knew my face was a bright as a tomato, heck, even redder. My body couldn't seem to keep itself contained as I squirmed around, needing to stand up multiple times, only to sit back down again. The whole time I skimmed intensely, shaking my hands and chewing on my shirt collar. Normally my stims weren't this bad, but oh boy were they bad this time. I was restless, standing up again the minute I sat down, and constantly pacing around the room. He's so chiseled, and yet he wears sweaters all the time? He's a literal himbo(/pos), but a smart one too—and he has no idea how fucking hot he is! Fucking perfect boyfriend materiel. Emotions built up and bubble within me, almost desperate now to reveal y feelings to Russia.

      Every time I tried to think, my mind would flash back to his abs—no, just him, and I'd keel over again. It felt like I was melting, as if any second I would be a puddle on the floor. This wasn't like locker room room anymore (wink wink, nudge nudge, chapter 14), where even if you thought someone looked hot, it was purely platonic.

      This wasn't platonic at all.

      I couldn't deny my feelings anymore. I liked him, and I mean like-like liked him. Had I always seen him this way? Looking back though, the signs were clear. It wasn't a coincidence that I followed him, and it wasn't a coincidence that I kept hanging out with him. No one just causally just sings Fly Me to the Moon, which says, and I quote, "I love you," to someone you see as a friend. Especially when you're one on one like that—and not to mention the fact we slept together! And not even as slang for 'we fucked', we literally slept together! Like what, a couple? Maybe I just had thought he was cute or interesting beforehand, but this was past that, and there was no going back. How would I even approach him? Should I even approach him? He's not interested at all though—I couldn't possibly have a chance. Now's not a good time byway, he wouldn't be into a relationship at all right now anyways—I don't even think I should be in one right now! Maybe he even has his eyes on someone already, and what if it's a friend? Wouldn't that make it awkward?

      A pit seemed to grow in my stomach, and it only grew deeper. I couldn't help but let anxiety engulf me, my thoughts being plagued by possible futures and all the ways I could ruin our friendship. How one wrong step could push him away, my closest friend, gone from my life.

      Negative thoughts soon became a dark swirling mess. The silence didn't help block out the thoughts either, and soon I was pitiful mess from thinking about a little negative thing. Just a little disruption could send me spiraling into darkness. I was so, so stupid, for everything. I shouldn't have felt this way, why did I always feel this way? Why couldn't I be fine? I was so desperate to talk about it, but I couldn't bother anyone else with my burden. Everyone was dealing with real issues, while I'm other here crying about dumb shit.

      The front of my head hurt, as if everything was forcing its forward to front my emotions. My throat strained, and I started to sharply inhale and exhale. The tips of my ears hurt, my body straining to contain my emotions. My whole body seemed to heat up from the strain. It was stupid, me crying so easily, the reason for me crying, everything. I hated feeling this way, just being a complete disappointment. I couldn't follow rules, I couldn't contain my emotions, I couldn't do anything. My victories? As if. I never had won anything. I just got lucky, and relied on my allies. 

      Tears kept spilling across my face. The minute I thought I calmed down, another wave came in. Another crash of hurtful thoughts. I could hold back any audible cries, yet my body still gasped for air and everything still ached. To be so shameless, crying here. "Ame?"

      I didn't look up. I didn't want him to see my face, and I couldn't bring myself to see his, too ashamed of what I had done. He sat down on the couch beside me and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Do you wanna talk?" My mouth strained for air to talk, but found none. Instead mustered up the strength to shake my head no. It hurt to even breathe. I felt his presence shift to face me, his eyes staring directly at me. He didn't judge me though, and simply placed a hand on my shoulder. "...If you want, I'll let you cry into my shoulder." My heart swelled and even more tears seemed to force their way out. Immediately I leaned into his chest and wrapped my arms around him. He hugged me close as well, becoming a comforting shield around me. Tears poured down my face, and I probably looked like a mess, but I didn't care. For the first time that I cried, I knew someone would be there to comfort me.

       And that meant more than anything else before now.

Author's Note

haha I totally didn't write some of this while crying ✌️

also I definitely wasn't projecting onto ame and want a shoulder to cry on haha what????

anyways I don't need to bother u w/ my personal problems, but apologies for the somewhat hiatus

it's been like almost a month??? haha I'm sorry it's not even a super long chapter haha 💔 I'll try not to spiral into another pit of bad feelings before I can get out the next chapter at least, but we'll see 

anyways yeah wooo finally he realised his feelings time to wait another 10 chapters for Russia to figure out his /hj

I'll go back and fix this someday bc I don't like a lot of it

May 16, 2021