The second choice(Hawk)

Chapter 18

I felt Eli's lips crash onto mine. They were soft and my lips fit perfectly with his. You might be thinking I am a bad person but I have loved this boy for a year now so of course, I kissed back. Once reality set in I pushed him away.

"I can't, you're my sisters' boyfriend and I can't do that to her." I ran out.

I got in my car and drove home. I was shocked and I continued to replay all of the events that just happened. I felt so guilty but at the same time, I didn't. What did the kiss mean to him? He is my sister's boyfriend so what in the hell was he doing kissing me, did he like me back, or was it just in the heat in the moment, or did he just feel bad for me. I got home and went straight to my room. I locked my door so no one could get in and I tried calling Robby. I didn't know who to talk to about this and Robby was the only person I had right now that I could trust. I called Robby about 20 times and he ignored each one. I texted him it was an emergency but he just said he was with Sam and couldn't talk. I read the text over and over again. I thought he was supposed to be there for me whenever I needed him. This just goes to show I can't trust anyone anymore. I sat on my bed and cried for hours, I wanted to cut so bad but I resisted and laid in my bed trying to calm down. The boy I have loved since freshman year kissed me but he's dating my sister, my supposed best friend ditched me for a girl that was most likely going to play him just like she did Miguel. I felt like the world was crashing around me and there was nothing that was stopping it. I tried to take a couple of deep breaths but nothing was working. I remembered a couple of tools my therapist told me about. She always said if emotions were too high that I had the power to calm them down. I just needed to focus and be in control. I stood up grabbed a sign I made when I was in therapy which said "Do not disturb, my emotions are too high and I need to calm down." I opened my door and hung the sign on the door with a thumbtack. I then closed my door again and locked it, I sat on my bed and tried to relax. One of the tools was to get a jar mentally and get the emotions I was feeling and put them in the jar. Then label the jar and put it on a shelf, I could open the jar at any time so when I calmed down I could reopen the jar and deal with the emotions. I did exactly what the tool was, I took my emotions and put them in the jar, closed the jar tightly, and labeled it. The next tool was to go into my safe place, my safe place was where I can go mentally whenever I needed and I was supposed to feel safe there until I calmed down. I set myself up to transfer into my safe place. My safe place was the forest, with rain falling, me sitting on a cliff over the beach listening to the waves crash against the shore. The rain made a pitter-patter noise when it hit the ground. There were trees surround me and fog hovered over everything. I closed my eyes placed my hands on the opposite side of my shoulders and began to tap softly and slowly. I replayed the scenario over and over in my head until it felt like I was really there. I had the power to leave and come back whenever I wanted.

For the next two hours, I stayed in my safe place until I was ready to come out. I brought myself back to reality and I was completely calm and at peace. I sat there and enjoyed the state of ok-ness.

After a couple of minutes, I decided I was good enough to open the jar of emotions and deal with them. I got the jar from the shelf mentally, opened it, and the emotions flooded my body once more. They weren't strong like before so I could handle them. I picked them apart so I could label each emotion. I was angry, sad, stressed, shocked, and I felt betrayed. I then picked out each emotion and dealt with it and figured out why I felt like that. I chose betrayed first, I felt like this because my best friend chose a girl who was going to play him over me. I tried to see where he was coming from, I knew that when you like somebody who pushes other people away so you can have that time with that special person. Don't get me wrong I still felt the betrayal but I knew what it was like so I didn't completely hate Robby for blowing me off. Next, I chose stressed, I felt stressed because I was in a state of shock and I had no one to talk to about it. I thought to myself was no one could help me but me so I didn't need anyone but myself. Next was shocked, I felt this because the boy I had loved kissed me when he is dating my sister. Next, was sad, I was sad because I felt bad for kissing Eli back when he is with my sister and I shouldn't have done that but I loved him and of course I was going to take the opportunity and kiss him. Lastly, anger, I was angry because Eli wanted to act like he cared about me but he acted the complete opposite, he chose a girl who bullied and messed with him over a girl who loved every part of him and would do anything for him. I dealt with each emotion and I pinpointed why and I dealt with them with a clear mind and my emotions were now low and I was back in the state of ok-ness.