❛ I found all the names of love in your eyes. ❜
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Amongst the most peculiar natures of human mind there's something that we can curse but never cancel, we ourselves are so bound to it.
When you're lonely, secluded, when you feel like a misfit in thi...
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CHAPTER 18 | MECHANICALFUNCTIONING "The sadness that I thought I had left behind resurfaces like a wave, crashing over me and pulling me under once again."
O V E R the past week, I had been a slave to my emotions. I was at the mercy of four distinct and overwhelming feelings -utter passivity; where nothing would get to me. I was a shell of the person I once was, with a heart that had turned to stone. I walked through life with a blank expression, feeling nothing at all.
Utter belligerence; where I wouldn't be able to control my emotions. I was a ticking time bomb, ready to explode at any moment. The slightest provocation was enough to set me off, and I found myself lashing out at those around me. I knew I was hurting them, but I couldn't stop myself.
Utter sadness; where I would be so deep into the pit I dug for myself and nothing could get me out of there except for time itself... I was drowning in a sea of despair, unable to find my way back to the surface. Every breath was a struggle, every moment a torment. I felt like I was trapped in a never-ending nightmare, with no hope of escape.
Intense fear; the fear was a living, breathing thing that wound its way around my heart, squeezing tight until I thought I might collapse. It was a force that begged for attention, demanded to be felt, and I was powerless to resist its pull. I would have done anything to shake it off, to rid myself of its crushing weight. Even if it meant doing something harmful to me, I would have done it. Anything to erase the fear that reoccurred in my chest, day after day, night after night.
Each of these emotions was like a button that I would press to deal with the random moments of my day. But I didn't get to choose which button to push; I just functioned mechanically, like a robot, pushing one button after the other.
The worst thing about these emotions was that I had no control over them. They were like a raging river that swept me away, and I was powerless to stop them.
Today was no different. I pushed all the buttons, one after the other.
When the day began, I found myself sitting in my room, staring at the wall. I couldn't shake the feeling that someone was watching me, following me. It was probably just my imagination, but I couldn't help the fear that crept up on me. It was like a dark cloud that hung over my head, threatening to rain down on me at any moment.
I was slipping deeper and deeper into the pit of despair. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was alone, that nobody understood what I was going through.
But then, out of nowhere, just like any other day -I felt a surge of intense aggression. I started to get angry, to feel like I was going to lose control. I couldn't let that happen. I had to push that button down and try to calm myself.
