Trials and Consequences of Love

Chapter 3

Love on the brain – Rihanna.

"Don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do you? It's going to take a miracle to bring me back and you're the one to blame." – Rihanna.

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🦋Valentina-Rosa🦋

Euphoria, such a beautiful thing you can find it in the simplest pleasures of life, and you chase after it no matter how short-lived the moment of pleasure is, simply because it's a feeling you never want to miss out on.

Nothing compares to the euphoric feeling generated from solitude though, as you age there is not a single day that goes by that you don't chase some alone time.

What's even better than euphoric solitude is getting the very same feeling while being intimate with another; like your partner for example. A gentle touch, a small whisper, a kiss on the forehead, a small hug, just to alert someone of your presence whilst giving them their space; letting them know that you are there for them if they ever need anything, sitting comfortably with them, allowing them to enjoy their peace and their waves of pleasure without being a nuisance that is simply top tier.

As he pulls me behind him to his orange 2019 Jeep Wrangler Rubicon, my hand in his. The wind blowing through the thigh-high split of my yellow floor-length dress decorated with white hibiscuses, whilst gently lifting the ends of my freshly washed hair; his black hooded sweatshirt clinging tightly to his toned upper body and the tight black jeans hugging on to his lower half preventing the strong gusts of wind from slapping against his skin. His solid white Nike Airforce 1s crunch on the urban quartz gravel littered on the walkway as he walks at a comfortable pace and my yellow-brown strappy wedge heels grind harshly against the gravel as I try my hardest to keep up with him; I realize that I never had that euphoric feeling with Carson and I don't think I ever will.

Whenever I'm alone with Carson I always feel alone, not alone in the sense that I get that feeling of euphoric solitude; but alone in the sense that silence swallows me whole, and when the silence breaks, I'm haunted by the demons of his past and present along with those demons of mine that crawl to life whenever Carson comes around. 

Today we're having lunch together, it's something we do every week so that we can take pictures to show our mothers that we are still happy and in love though, in reality, it is the opposite. My mother introduced me to Carson about five years ago, she was so excited to introduce us, she said she met him one afternoon when she was having brunch with his mother and knew instantly that he was the one for me. She said the moment she met him she knew that I would like him so she just had to introduce us. I didn't like Carson when I met and he didn't like me either; regardless of this we exchanged numbers, we had a few phone calls, the calls being longer whenever one of our mothers were around; and then eventually, we decided to go on a date, just one hoping that after the date they would leave us alone.

That, if you ask me was probably the biggest mistake of my life.

The date was horrible, he spoke about himself most of the time, stopping only to ask if I agreed with an opinion of his or not; not that he cared if I did, he simply wanted to involve me in the conversation. He didn't like my outfit, "not because it looks bad or anything but because it is showing too much skin", he didn't think that the chicken alfredo pasta I ordered was filling or healthy enough and he also didn't think that the glass of white wine I ordered was good enough only because in his 'humble' opinion red wine is better.

Every little thing bothered him and that bothered me. 

He opened doors, he paid the bill without even suggesting that we split it, he pulled and pushed my chair and he stood firmly on the grounds of that social rule 'women first'. At the time I thought this is the meaning of that phrase that is so common amongst older women 'chivalry isn't dead'; but looking back I now realize he is just a controlling narcissistic bastard.