Trials and Consequences of Love

Chapter 28

Speak – Jhene Aiko

"You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It won't happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, 'I don't care how hard this is, I don't care how disappointed I am, I'm not going to let this get the best of me. I'm moving on with my life." – Joel Osteen.

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🌻Aurora🌻

I did not know that a cemetery could bring me this much peace; it's been almost three months since Carson's death and a lot has changed since but I had to come to see him before I could move on. I realized he was right; I was drowning myself and it's time for me to let go. I found the courage to move out of Alex's house, tonight will be my first night alone in my apartment but I knew I wouldn't be able to get a wink of sleep if I didn't come here first.

"I brought you a flower, call it a thank you," I say resting the lone white rose on top of the headstone.

"You're a disgusting piece of shit even now as you lay six feet under; but thanks to you I'll be an aunt so I guess that's something I can thank you for," I say, stuffing my hands in the back pockets of my jeans.

"I also want to thank you for your letter, you were right. I was holding myself hostage; I was drowning myself and that was unhealthy but that's over now. And though you are the one to blame for me being that way, you're the only one that I can thank for allowing me to see that hiding away from what happened wasn't helping me at all. I've been going to therapy and I got an apartment last week, I'll be sleeping there on my own tonight; sleeping on my own for the first time since my encounter with you. I'm nervous but I think I'm ready" I tell him, kicking the loose rocks off his headstone.

"My therapist says I should try easing my way back into society, she said I should try to speak to men outside of my family and friend circle, not necessarily for dating purposes, just for the sake of coping; but I don't know when I'll be able to do that. Every time I see a man besides Alex, Aston, Carter, Kyle, or my father the only thing I can think of is the way you and Jabari treated me that night but I think, eventually, I'll get over that" I sigh, pursing my lips.

"The therapist also said that I need to forgive you and myself and I think I can forgive you, especially after knowing what you were going through but it'll take a while for me to forgive myself because everyone told me not to go to that party but I did anyway. The doctor told me the same thing you told me in that letter, she said it has already happened and I cannot take it back so I need to move on and in order to do that I have to let you, the hate I have for you and the situation go. That's why I'm here, to let go" I say, pulling the letter and the lighter out of my pocket.

"I don't know if I'm allowed to do this, but I don't care," I say bending down so that I'm facing the headstone.

"Here lies the body of Carson Dean, a beloved brother, cousin, grandson, nephew, son" I read the first line of the epitaph.

"A sadist, a rapist, a narcissist, an abuser, a gaslighter, an alcoholic, a drug addict, a child murder, a manipulator, an antagonist, a harasser, a molester, a sexist, a good for nothing son of a bitch" I add my own lines to the epitaph, flicking the lighter open.

"He will be in our hearts and memories forever, may he rest in peace" I finish reading the original epitaph and light the letter, resting it on the headstone beside the rose.

As the paper turns to ash, a piece of me goes with it; the piece of me that made up the façade I used to put up every day; the piece of me that stopped me from being me. The piece of me that no business being a part of me from the beginning. And for the first time in almost two years, I let it slip away into the flames without putting up a barricade.