I Wish I Didn't Exist (Gold x Silver - Pokémon boy x boy ship)

Chapter Twenty Five: Upsetting Moments

How could this happen!? Why did this happen!?'

~Gold~

'How could I do something so stupid!?'

~Gold!~

'Silver is everything to me! I've ruined everything!'

GOLD!

"What! What!" Gold shouts, suddenly opening his eyes. He's at home? What happened? He looks up to see Silver looking down at him.

"You're going to be late!" Silver says.

"Late?" Gold questions.

"For the party, silly!" Silver continues.

He dreamt that? He didn't kiss Niel after all!
He looks up at Silver.

"I don't want to go." He says.

Silver looks surprised. "How come? You were looking forward to it. And what about Crystal? What about patching things up with her?"

"I just don't want to go anymore. I don't think those kinds of parties are things I want to go to now. I'd rather stay here with you. I do want to patch things up with Crystal, but, not there, not at a party, not with people drinking. I'd rather do it in a calmer situation." Gold declares.

Silver smiles. "Only if you're sure. I don't want you not going because of me and I certainly wouldn't want you not going because you feel guilty about leaving me. I'm fine. I've got stuff on TV to keep me entertained."

"No, I'm sure. I definitely don't want to go." Gold insists.

"OK!" Silver responds.

Gold gave a sigh of relief. He didn't know what he would do if it really had happened. But there was also that sense of guilt. The guilt of dreaming that in the first place. Why did he dream that? Why did he dream that whole scenario? Why was it Silver at first and then became Niel?

He doesn't like this. He doesn't like this one bit. It's something that he finds really upsetting.

"What's wrong?" Silver asks, noticing tears forming on Gold's eyes.

"I'm sorry!" Gold blubbers.

"Why you sorry? Why are you crying?" Silver asks looking uncomfortable.

"I love you! I love you so much!" Gold cries clutching onto Silver's chest.

"Uhm... OK!" Silver responds with a confused look on his face. He has no idea what's going on. He just holds Gold as he cries. Rubbing his back.
******************

Gold is lying wide awake in bed. It's 1am, Silver and the Pokémon are sound asleep, but Gold can't help thinking about that dream. That very real dream. He still can't understand it. What did it mean? It's really scaring him. He needs to talk to someone, but, none of his friends would be any help. He doesn't think they would understand. Plus, he doesn't want to risk Crystal and his mum finding out and make a big "to do" about it. Especially since they don't like Silver and him being together. There's only one person he thinks he can talk to...

*********************

"Well hello there gorgeous!" Susanna says seeing Gold approach the counter. "What brings you here?"

"C-can I talk to you...about something?" Gold asks nervously.

"Of course you can, what's wrong?"

"Well..." Gold starts, looking quite ashamed of himself. He explained everything: the invite the Crystal's party at her dorm; Silver not wanting to go; thinking he was on his way to the party and having these doubts; kissing Niel; waking up on the couch to realise it was a dream; breaking down; the guilt he's feeling; everything.

Susanna listened intently. Taking it all in.

"So? What do you think?" Gold asks, desperate for an answer.

Susanna thinks for a moment before giving her answer: "Well, firstly, it seems to me that you are having serious doubts about your relationship for the first time, and that's normal. Your relationship has taken a huge leap forward with Silver moving in with you. Especially since you have only been together for a couple of months. Of course, every couple moves at their own pace, so, never compare yourself to other couples..."

Susanna takes a quick breath.

"Secondly, you already knew that Silver would be a bit aphrehensive when it comes to parties. He has never been a party person. I do think he was right about not going to a party he wasn't invited to, especially when the whole point of you going was to reconcile with your friend who you had an argument with about Silver. So, I kind of think you need to let that one go."

Susanna takes another breath before continuing.

"Thirdly, the fact that the mirage became Niel is just highlighting your doubts. It's obvious that there's something not quite right. Now, the fact that you felt extreme guilt means that you're not an arse hole. However, I do think though that you need to talk to Silver about it, because I think that your doubts and feelings may have caused the dream and none of that will go away until you talk to him about it."

Gold nods, taking note of everything Susanna is telling him. He knows she's right. He does have to talk to Silver about how he feels.

"How did Silver react when you were crying, by the way?"

"Well, it did freak him out a little bit because I don't think he's ever seen me cry like that before, but, when I said 'I love you', he just said 'OK'"

"He just said 'OK'?" Susanna exclaims.

"He sounded confused, which I guess is understandable because I just started crying and didn't explain why when he asked. It was completely out of the blue." Gold responds trying to make excuses.

"Gold...has Silver ever said 'I love you'?"

Gold shakes his head. "I mean, I know it's not easy for Silver to share his feelings. I know he's trying to protect himself by avoiding making himself vulnerable. I totally understand that, but, sometimes I feel like I'm carrying both of us mentally as well as emotionally and it's exhausting. Sometimes I'd like to be the vulnerable one and he steps in and makes me feel better. I want to be to one who needs saved sometimes. It's silly, I know and then, I feel guilty for feeling this way..."

"Gold!" Susanna interrupts. "You're gonna have to talk to Silver. If you don't, you'll just keep ending up in the same place. These feelings will just reoccur until you address them."

Gold nods in agreement. He wants their relationship to move forward, but that won't happen unless they address the issues.

"Thanks Susanna. I really appreciate it!"

"Anytime!" She responds. "Oh wait! Who actually is Niel anyway?"

Gold shrugs his shoulders. "Well, I've seen him around university. I don't know what his real name is though. And I've never properly studied him before so, I'm not even sure if his characteristics in my dream are accurate." He says as he's walking away.

In full honesty, he doesn't feel completely reassured. He knows he needs to speak to Silver. He knows Susanna is right but, it doesn't make him want to have what will surely be a difficult conversation.

Also, he wasn't being completely truthful about Niel. They have met before. Niel asked him out a while back. Gold does remember at the time thinking he was quite attractive, but refused his advancements because he wanted Silver, and only Silver. The weird thing is that in the dream, they hadn't met each other. The other weird thing is that Crystal introduced them again. Gold doesn't quite understand why that is.

But he does remember how real the kiss felt...