I Wish I Didn't Exist (Gold x Silver - Pokémon boy x boy ship)

Chapter Twenty Six: Admitting There's Doubts

A week has passed and Gold still hasn't spoken to Silver about how he's been feeling. He wanted to mull it over to try and figure out how to bring it up. Or hope he can fix the problem himself. He knows Susanna is right. He has to talk to Silver about it all but, he can't bring himself to do it. He has to be the excitable ball of fluff that Silver knows. But he's exhausted. He's exhausted of pretending everything is fine when he's dying inside. And his mood has been deteriorating. Gold has clearly been ignoring his own feelings, so, who knows how long he's actually been feeling this way. A lot of conflicting thoughts. Gold has been waiting to be with Silver for years. This has been a dream since he was 13, but, the Silver he got is not the same Silver that he fell in love with 6 years ago. Life has been cruel. It has beaten and broken Silver, and it makes Gold feel guilty about having these feelings. He can't help it though, he can't control how he feels, and all that makes him feel worse.

Silver doesn't seem to notice that he's in pain. He doesn't seem to put in the effort, emotionally or mentally. Just when he thinks that progress is being made, like moving in together, and the fact that Silver now sleeps in the bed with him, there's still that stumbling block. Silver still hasn't said 'I love you'.

Gold keeps telling himself to be patient and to understand that it's hard for Silver to open up like that, and Gold hates feeling this way, but, it still hurts. It's still painful that Gold is the only one being open and honest about his feelings. Just for once, he would like it if he could be the vulnerable one and Silver step in. He would like it if every once in a while, he could be the one that is babied. It's draining pretending to be happy when you're not.

Gold is finally admitting to himself that he's not happy.

He's waiting for Silver to come back from the supermarket. He has to talk to him. He can't let this go. If he doesn't, things will only get worse.

"I'm back!" Silver announces walking through the door.

"Silver..." Gold starts, standing up suddenly.

Silver just looks at him. "What is it?"

"I...I uhm...feel...I...need to talk to you..." Gold stutters.

"Can it wait? I want to get dinner started." Silver responds brushing him off.

"N-no...I really...I really...forget it!" Gold chickens out walking away into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

"Oh...OK!" Silver responds looking confused.

Tears are streaming down Gold's face. He's annoyed at himself for chickening out but upset that Silver just brushed him off. He was hoping Silver would push him to talk but he didn't. He doesn't know what to do now. The tears continue to fall, Gold is whimpering because he doesn't want Silver to hear him. Sliding down the door, he sits on the floor, emotionally broken. Those doubts now swirling around him.

Was everyone right? Is Silver the wrong person for Gold? Gold has never questioned it before, but, for the first time, he's now thinking about it.

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It's 2am. Everyone is sound asleep. Except Gold of course. He can't stop thinking. His brain won't shut off. Those doubts and fears are really scaring him. He's never had them before. He never could have imagined ever having feelings like these. He thought that if he ever got Silver, then he'd be the happiest person on the planet. But, even though the possible love of his life is sleeping right next to him, he doesn't quite feel he has Silver. It still boils down to the same issue. Silver isn't giving him the emotional reassurance. Silver still hasn't said 'I love you'. He doesn't seem to show that type of emotion. OK, Gold totally accepts that not everyone is like him and not everyone shows their emotions as openly as he does and he also accepts that Silver's upbringing and the general way he's been treated for years is most likely the reason he is as emotionally stunted as he is. But, there's still that wish of Silver actually saying those words. Those 3 words that Gold is so desperate to hear. That would make it all better. Gold knows that that's all it would take to make him feel better, he just wants Silver to say those words.