sarah paulson mental health one shots

im fine. [continued]

cordelia goode - im fine.
content warning : suicide, self harm, and depression

-

(three weeks later)

cordelia took your bags from your hands.

"cordelia i got it."

she shook her head and continued holding the bags. you were going home. you had spent a week in the hospital after the incident and then two weeks in the psych ward. cordelia had been by your side as much as she could. and now she was bringing you home. she opened the front door for you and you stepped in, hoping that the girls weren't home.

"don't worry. they're all out running errands. it's just me and you." it was like she knew what you were thinking.

when you got to your room it looked the same as it did when you left, except your sheets were changed and your bed was made.

"i'm gonna put your things away, you relax and get settled in."

"cordelia i'm not a baby. i can help."

"y/n just relax."

you knew it would be better to just do what she said. you sat down on the bed. the door handle on the bathroom was changed. there wasn't a lock anymore.

"i didn't want to invade your privacy but i just want you to be safe."

she must have seen you staring at it.

"it's fine."

she returned to putting your things away. suddenly the urge to hurt yourself came back. you didn't want to hurt cordelia again. but if she didn't know, was it really hurting her? on the car ride home she had given you a whole lecture on coming to her when you wanted to hurt yourself and how she was going to help you get better and all that. you appreciated her trying to help but you still felt like shit and you still wanted to die. she had probably ransacked your room while you were gone but you didn't know if she found your blades. they were hidden between the boxspring and mattress on your bed.

"c'mon let's go make dinner for the two of us."

"i'm not really hungry."

"y/n you need to eat."

"cordelia i'm really not hungry."

you weren't lying. you always went between having too big of an appetite and having no appetite. the past month or so you just weren't hungry. she didn't want to push you.

"okay, then you don't have to eat right now but i'm going to make sure you eat before you go to bed."

"okay."

"i'll be just in my room if you need anything."

you nodded and half smiled at her. as soon as she left the room you lifted your mattress and found that your blades were still there.

thank god.

you needed a release. you sat in the corner of the room and slid the blade across your hips a few times, before hearing cordelia's footsteps getting closer. you hurried to put the box of blades back where they were and fix your pants.

"hey. whatcha doing?"

"the same thing i was doing before you left five minutes ago. nothing."

she walked over to you and crouched next to you.

"y/n. give them to me."

"what are you talking about?"

"i went through your entire room and didn't find them. i know you still have them."

god dammit. why was she so smart about everything?

you rolled your eyes and reached under your mattress to grab the box.

"here. happy now?"

she opened the box and looked inside and then took a deep breath.

"come on." she stood up and grabbed your hand, guiding you to the bathroom.

you sat on the toilet seat and she reached into a cabinet, grabbing a first aid kit and crouching next to you again.

"can i look?"

your breath got heavy and you gripped the side of the toilet. no one had ever seen them. after a few moments of silence you nodded and pulled the side of your pants down. you winced out of pain and vulnerability. she grabbed a wet face cloth and dabbed it on the fresh cuts.

"fuck!" it stung like a bitch.

"i know. it's gonna hurt for a minute."

she put a bit of neosporin on and then covered them with bandages.

"there. all better." she put the neosporin and extra bandages back in the first aid kid.

you bit your lip to hold in your cries but it didn't work. you didn't like being vulnerable but you hated disappointing people and that's what it felt like you had done.

"hey. what's wrong?"

you shook your head and wiped the tears from your cheeks, which were quickly replaced with more.

"i- i- i jus-" you were hyperventilating. "feel like i- i disappointed you."

"hey. come here." she pulled you down from the toilet and into her lap. "nothing you could ever do would ever disappoint me."

you buried your head in her chest and continued to hyperventilate.

"we're gonna get through this together. you're strong and i'm always going to be here for you. even through moments like these. you can't expect to be perfect. but you will get through it."

her words made you feel okay for the first time in a long time. you didn't feel cured and you didn't feel good but you were okay with her arms around you and your head in her chest.

"come on, let's go eat."

-

authors note : this was really long jesus christ