sarah paulson mental health one shots

weak

cordelia goode - weak
content warning : depression, self harm and suicidal thoughts

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you were getting bad again, and cordelia was getting worried. when you weren't sleeping, you were holed up in your room, and she had no idea what you were doing because when she would check on you, you would push her away. you weren't pushing her away to hurt her, but you didn't want to hurt her if you ever did something to yourself.

"hi sweetheart." she came into your room, without knocking.

"ever heard of knocking?"

"sorry," she shut the door behind her. "i just wanted to check on you."

"it's fine." you shut your laptop and turned to face her.

"how are you? i barely see you anymore."

"i'm fine. just busy i guess."

"you can talk to me, y'know."

"delia, i'm fine. i promise."

"okay. i'll leave you alone then."

she left and shut the door and you went to bed.

the next morning you were woken up by someone shaking you lightly and whispering.

"y/n, wake up."

"delia?" you huffed and looked at the clock. "it's six in the morning on a saturday."

"we're going out."

"what the fuck?"

"come on. get dressed."

you knew there was no negotiating, it was cordelia. if she told you to do something, you did it. you climbed out of bed and put on a pair of leggings and a sweatshirt, which took more effort than it should have. you slipped on a pair of white converse and stepped out of your room.

"ready?" cordelia was standing right outside your door.

"i guess."

"aren't you gonna be hot?"

"i'll be fine."

"okay."

the two of you walked outside to her car and got in.

"where are we even going?"

"it's a surprise."

you rolled your eyes and looked out the window as she drove away.

"what's been going on with you lately?"

"nothing."

"we're not getting out of this car until you talk to me."

great.

she had you trapped.

"guess we're gonna be driving for a while then."

she huffed and then took a deep breath.

"y/n, i'm here for you, and i wanna help you, but i can't do that unless you talk to me."

you sighed and looked at her.

"i'm not a child. i can handle my own problems."

"i never said you couldn't, but needing help from people doesn't make you childish or immature."

"i can handle my own issues delia."

"hurting yourself doesn't solve your problems."

she immediately regretted what she said and reached to take your hand, but you pulled it away.

"i want to go home." you said, trying not to reveal that you were crying.

"y/n, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to be so frank. but that doesn't change the fact that you are hurting yourself."

"cordelia stop."

"no, i'm not going to sit back and pretend that i know nothing and live life like normal."

"clearly you don't know anything because i have no clue what you're talking about right now."

"if you don't want to talk to me, i understand. but don't lie to me."

the only way she could know is if she had seen them. and then the realization hit you. the other day, when she came into your room to check on you. you had been wearing shorts, and they must have ridden up, revealing your thighs.

"cordelia, i don't know what you even expect me to say."

"whatever is on your mind. tell me what's wrong so i can help you."

"it just feels like everything's falling apart. i finally felt okay you know? and then it fell apart again. i go from not being able to feel anything, to feeling so much that it's overwhelming. i just want it to stop."

"you want what to stop?" she looked more concerned than before.

you wiped a tear and swallowed.

"life."

you immediately wanted to take it back.

"oh sweetie." she unbuckled her seatbelt.

you hadn't even noticed that she had pulled the car over, and was now in some empty parking lot.

"i'm here for you. and i know that when you want to hurt yourself, it's the only thing that you want to do. but can you try to talk to me when you feel like doing it? i don't care if it's three in the morning or if i'm in a meeting, you can talk to me. and if you can't bring yourself to talk to me before doing it or you slip up, please tell me after. i know it feels embarrassing and all that, but it's important."

she took your hands into hers and then continued.

"i know that it's not gonna be easy, but i'm gonna help you. through all of it. i will be there every step of the way. through the ups and the downs. you'll always have me."

"wouldn't it be easier if i just killed myself?"

with that, she pulled you into her arms and kissed your forehead.

"no, i never ever want you to think that. if you ever weren't here, on this earth, i would miss you. i would miss you so much that it would be unfathomable."

"is it ever gonna get better?"

"yes, sweetie. i know it might not seem like it now but it will."

you leaned your head on her chest and calmed yourself down by focusing on the rise and fall of it.