sarah paulson mental health one shots

strained

diane sherman - strained
content warning : restrictive eating disorder
authors note : basically diane is your mom and your ed has put a lot of strain on your relationship with her which was previously really close, as always diane isn't crazy in this. okay thats all.

-

you missed your mom. you missed all the nights spent laughing with her and watching movies together. and all the times that you ditched school and she took you out for lunch. even though she thought you were still doing better, your relationship was tense and uncomfortable. you had done that.

correction : your eating disorder had done that.

but that was your fault in her eyes.

she tried her hardest to understand, and she usually did a good job at that. but she could never quite grasp the fact that this wasn't a decision you were making. you weren't choosing to starve yourself, or to spend hours crying over a pad of butter, it was just something you were stuck with. it had an inescapable chokehold on you.

"y/n!" the front door closed and she called up the stairs.

"what?" you yelled back.

"come here!"

you stood up from your desk and tramped down the stairs.

"what?" you asked her as you walked into the kitchen.

the tension was already unbearable.

"what have you eaten today?"

time for yet another day of lying to her.

"uh for breakfast i had some cereal, and then for lunch i had a sandwich with an apple and i haven't had dinner yet because it's only four."

you held your breath. was she going to believe you?

she sighed and bit her lip.

"i know you're lying."

you looked around the room, trying to avoid her gaze.

"well?"

"that's not true." you muttered.

"i can tell. you're too skinny again, and you look sick."

no matter how bad it was, you loved hearing that. she sat there staring at you, until you were pulled out of your fixation on her words.

"i don't know what you're talking about."

"i can't do this again y/n. i don't have it in me to fight for you again. you messed this one up."

why didn't she get it? your anger and anxiety were boiling over.

"for gods sake why don't you get it?! you never get it!"

you broke down into sobs in front of her and she immediately came to you.

"oh baby." she pulled your head into her chest.

and she just held you there. she didn't try to say or do anything. she just held you. and it was peaceful for those few minutes. you could hear a few quiet sobs escape diane, but you couldn't bring yourself to say anything, so instead you continued to lay in her arms.

"can we go in my room and talk?" she sniffled and cupped your face in her hands.

you nodded and the two of you walked to her bedroom and sat on the bed.

"what's going on?"

the tension between the two of you was already restored.

"it's not the same as before, i promise."

but it was. you just couldn't stand to disappoint her more.

"how? how is it any different than before y/n?"

"it just... is. i don't know." your voice was quiet.

"i can't do this again, it's too much."

"i'm sorry, i didn't mean for it to be like this."

"i think residential is our only option. i'm going to have to put you back on the waitlist."

residential was her scare factor.

"no, please."

"it's not fair to put this pressure on me, especially for a second time. i can't deal with this."

"i'm sorry." was all you could manage to say.

the feeling of guilt overwhelmed you. all this, because you couldn't just fucking eat like a normal person. what bullshit.

"i need some air, i'll be back in a few minutes."

you sat alone with your thoughts in her bed for a few minutes, and at some point you must have started crying, because your mom came in and pulled you into her arms.

"shhh. it's okay."

"do- do you - hate - me?" you couldn't even form a coherent sentence.

"oh my sweet girl, i could never, ever, hate you. i just get overwhelmed with all of this. i sometimes hate things you do, but it could never make me hate you."

she held you again, and you didn't believe a word she was saying, but you were back in the safety of her arms. no matter how damaged your relationship was, she was always your safe place.

-

authors note : some of this probably seems very ooc, but eds are so damaging to relationships and the people around the person struggling (especially parents) and can make them act all ways that they normally never would