sarah paulson mental health one shots

drowning

cordelia goode - drowning
content warning : suicidal thoughts, self harm, and depression
authors note : cordelia is yet again, a mother figure who's been really close with y/n since she joined the academy. i also did not proofread so im sorry im just so tired rn but i wanted to publish this alr

-

'october 15 -

everything would be so much easier if i just stopped. stopped everything. i wish everything would just stop.'

until a few weeks ago, you were never one to like to write your feelings down. it made you feel weird and over dramatic, like seeing what you felt would make it less real. but now, it became a way of coping. you weren't good at coping mechanisms.

"y/n?" cordelia interrupted your thoughts.

you scrambled to shut the notebook before she could see what you were writing.

"yeah?"

"just checking on you. i haven't seen you out of your room much lately."

"oh yeah. i guess i've just been busy." you lied.

"with what?"

"uh- school work and stuff." you laughed to lighten the tension. "guess you still get lots of work when you're homeschooled."

"are you okay?"

"why wouldn't i be?"

"just a hunch i guess." she smiled. "i won't keep you though."

you smiled back at her as she left your room. what did she know? why was she acting weird?

-

cordelia's pov

-

'i know she's lying.' she thought to herself. 'what was she writing? she never writes.'

she decided she was going to sneak into your room and check. cordelia hated snoopy people. growing up in the academy herself, she knew what it was like to have people going through your shit all the time, and it was annoying. but if she was doing it to make sure you were okay was it really the same?

"cordelia?" zoe knocked on the frame of the office door.

"zoe. what's up?"

"is y/n alright?" she took a seat in front of her. "i just haven't seen her around much these past few weeks and i know you two are pretty close."

'were pretty close. she doesn't even talk to me anymore.'

"yeah, i checked in on her earlier. i think she's just being a moody teen. we've all been there." cordelia lied to zoe, not wanting to upset her.

"oh, well i'm glad."

and there was no second thought. no 'are you sure?', nothing. she wished she could just not think into things so much.

after she was sure you were asleep, cordelia went into your room and pulled out your journal.

'august 21 -

this is too much, i dont think i can do it. everything is just so heavy.'

this itself was enough to bring cordelia into tears.

'august 29 -

school started today. i hate it. it doesnt even make a difference that i do it from home because i still have to find a way to pull myself out of bed every fucking morning. i hate it.'

'september 3 -

im exhausted.'

'september 21 -

if i wasnt so scared i dont think id be here anymore.'

'october 4 -

i wish i could go back and tell myself to never pick up the stupid blade. im stuck now.'

'oh jesus please don't say that means what i think it means.' cordelia thought to herself.

'october 15 -

everything would be so much easier if i just stopped. stopped everything. i wish everything would just stop.'

she didn't know what to do, so she went to go check you for cuts.

-

y/ns pov

-

'what the fuck? who is touching my arm? my arm.' you opened your eyes and sat up.

"cordelia? what the fuck? what are you doing?" you yelled, not even caring who you woke up.

"what are these?" she held up your arm.

"i think you know what those are cordelia, or else you wouldn't be sitting here looking at my arms." you turned your head to face the wall.

"i shouldn't have done that. i'm sorry."

tears were spilling out of your eyes.

"i want to be here for you y/n, but i don't know what to do."

you shrugged.

"what can i do?"

"i'm fine."

"you aren't."

there was a thick and uncomfortable silence.

"what are we going to do sweetie?" she stroked your cheek.

"i wish i knew." you sighed. "if i knew how to fix this we wouldn't be sitting here right now."

another silence, even more uncomfortable than the last. the silence was broken when you began to uncontrollably sob, all of the tears you'd held back finally coming out.

"oh baby." cordelia pulled you into her arms. "i'm so sorry. you're too young to have to deal with all of this."

you sobbed in her lap for what felt like hours, until no more tears were even coming out, and then you were just jerking your body back and forth while making sobbing noises.

"okay. we need to make a plan or an arrangement, something to keep you safe." she told you while stroking your head.

"i don't know cordelia."

"how does this sound : you give me your blades, that's the first step, second, when you want to hurt yourself, come to me. i don't want you dealing with this on your own. it's not fair."

"so it's fair for me to put the burden on you?" you sniffled.

"hey, you're not a burden. now, do you want to talk to someone other than me, like a professional, or would you rather just me?"

"you."

"okay."

"i love you cordelia."

"i love you too."

-

authors note : urgh kinda hate this and might do a part two bc it ended awkwardly but i got this request so long ago and finally got around to actually doing it